Page 6 | Boyfriend wants me to put his car under my car insurance

CrossingBoundaries007 · 2024-06-21T03:52:55+00:00

Sorry for the log post. First for the backstory I have been dating this he's really nice, kind, affectionate, not stingy etc. He has expressed a desire to to marry me. He is divorced with 3 kids. The issue is that when we met he told me about his bad credit. I wasn't really sure why but he had some debt, so hasn't been able to get a mortgage but he is self employed (contractor) earns comfortably so he's been trying to pay it off. The issue now is recently he's found it hard to pay his bills. He works hard but the contacts have not been as consistent and many don't pay as well as before. He's just told me he can't pay his car insurance which was really high and he can't pay his rent and he pays the rent of his ex wife ) (in full) who the children live with and he has a child in a fee private school school fees is around 7k. He never discussed his choice to put his child in private school with me he just told me after the fact and that's a big part of my he has large outgoings. He's now finding it hard to pay that also. The insurance company have cancelled his insurance for not paying and he really needs his car to drive to work which can be very far away sometimes. i want to help him I suggested speaking to citizens advice etc but he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it. He has about 12 points on his licence (speeding) and is at risk of losing his licence which he's going to court for to appeal. I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw.

Crumpleton · 22/06/2024 10:17

He's answered no to all of your suggestions of ways to help himself.

I think the only question he wants to hear from you is "would you like me to pay off all your debts and contribute to your DC school fees"

That's probably the question that will give you a yes answer.

PrueRamsay · 22/06/2024 10:12

Mate.

Are you not going to dump him?

He is taking the piss out of you and you don’t even seem aware of it, let alone care about it.

Original poster

CrossingBoundaries007 · 22/06/2024 10:06

Update: This is more of a rant. So he went quiet on me and then this morning called and asked me what my plans were and that he is at work doing and he just wanted to ask me not to leave him.

he went on to say that I'm the closest person to him etc and he has spoken to 4 of his friends but none of them are able to help.

He said the debt is not an issue is it's cred cards that he's paying off but he's two months late on school fees ( around 3k)

I asked if he spoke to his ex to help out and he said I'm just adding to his anxiety cos he knows she doesn't have it. He talked about the late footballer Jlloyd Samuel ( we watched the documentary together) how this is the cause of the high rate of suicide in men. How I was being unkind to him.

I went on to ask if he had even approached CAB. His answer was no. He said they won't help him cos his minimum income is 5k I asked if he had explored any "breathing space" initiatives again the answer is no.

Interestingly when I asked about if he was still paying her full house rent he said he was paying half (£400)

Hes in a monthly contribution scheme which he puts 2k in money but he's not due to collect his until later on in the year apparently he can't stop this.

He told me I wasn't being helpful and me asking all these questions was not helpful and I was unkind. He said he would never ask me to go and ask my ex for help (even though he has) when my child's laptop broke , thankfully I did ask and a new one was sent to the house shortly afterwards.

He referred to about the expensive holidays we went on together. That pissed me off cos I always discourage this but he insists and offers to pay most of it but I always always contribute either with a few nights at the hotel meals etc... I never leave it all to him even when I broke up with him and he begged me to go to America with him I paid the first 3 nights hotel accommodation.

It just feels like what most of you alluded to, he doesn't want to face facts and wants to emotionally blackmail me in the process while only giving me half of the story.

like My resolve is strong though... Like one of the previous posters said, he's not intentionally malicious but has a whole lot of growing up to do.

OP posts:

Littleorangeflowers · 22/06/2024 08:41

Don't do it. Been there, ex made my insurance more expensive because of a (small) accident he had on joint insurance.

luckylavender · 22/06/2024 08:30

Don't do it & run

NasiDagang · 22/06/2024 08:21

CrossingBoundaries007 · 22/06/2024 03:17

"...devote your time to enjoying your child while they are young. "

Yes of course! I kicked that of with a fun movie night with said child.

Needless to say, I've heard everyone loud and clear and most of all, my conscience is at peace knowing that I am not unreasonable to refuse the request, if anything I should be upset he even asked despite the fact that he knows what the consequences would be for me and my child.

In all, I've learnt to trust my instincts and the value of seeking out good, sensible advice, even if it's from faceless strangers on the internet with odd usernames 😀 Tbh when I opened the thread I thought hardly anyone would respond.

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If you stay with him, you will need very clear boundaries. Don't link finances with him and learn to say no all the time.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 22/06/2024 06:38

Yeah, but are you going to dump this useless twat?

Original poster

CrossingBoundaries007 · 22/06/2024 03:17

GoneFishingToday · 21/06/2024 20:28

So, now that you've had so much good advice, and you say that it has only confirmed what you already felt, are you still going to continue seeing this sponger OP? Personally, I really hope that what people have told you, and what you've said about having to chase him for money that you had leant him previously, and his response to you telling him to go to CAB, you have now decided to dump this waste of space, and devote your time to enjoying your child while they are young. There are so many better blokes out there than this one!

"...devote your time to enjoying your child while they are young. "

Yes of course! I kicked that of with a fun movie night with said child.

Needless to say, I've heard everyone loud and clear and most of all, my conscience is at peace knowing that I am not unreasonable to refuse the request, if anything I should be upset he even asked despite the fact that he knows what the consequences would be for me and my child.

In all, I've learnt to trust my instincts and the value of seeking out good, sensible advice, even if it's from faceless strangers on the internet with odd usernames 😀 Tbh when I opened the thread I thought hardly anyone would respond.

OP posts:

Thevelvelletes · 22/06/2024 00:41

Are his eyes brown by any chance?
HE'S Full of Shit.

DreamTheMoors · 22/06/2024 00:06

AlistairAppletonssexyscarf · 21/06/2024 06:33

Far better to be alone than with someone who is going to drag into stressful financial chaos. Don’t feel like you need to be with anyone for the sake of being in a relationship! You will be all the readier when the right person appears for knowing you don’t need to be with a partner to be happy.

This guy sounds like a walking red flag. And 7k for a private school doesn’t add up either annually or monthly. Is he being truthful with you?

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You took the words out of my mouth, @AlistairAppletonssexyscarf—
@CrossingBoundaries007 you don’t need to be with somebody just because you think you need to be with somebody.
There’s no better feeling than standing on your own two feet, as a woman, individually, strong and independent.
Being with someone - just any ‘ol person - so you don’t have to be alone - is selling yourself far too short.
”You is kind. You is Smart. You is Important.”
(—The Help)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/06/2024 23:29

FarmGirl78 · 21/06/2024 20:56

Don't you see that he's turning it round so it's YOU who's the issue? Not him. Not his debt. But you. He's manipulating the language around the situation so its YOU who's at fault. He's an arse.

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Exactly this!

You were trying to be helpful, thinking of places who would give advice on how to start reducing his debt and managing his money... but he's not interested in that. He's looking for the easy way out and basically saying "if you want to help me bring cash Stupid"

Not only that, the patronising way he said it too.

If you do nothing else, dont make helpful suggestions to him ever again, if your kind advice is received like that. How rude.

victoriapauncefootjones · 21/06/2024 23:06

"If you really want to offer practical help, you should add my car to your insurance rather than telling me to contact CAB or any other agency that can't do anything"

WTF!!! What a charmer. Please bin him Op.

FarmGirl78 · 21/06/2024 20:56

CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 17:05

Absolutely! I'm saying no, I just realised that these were the reasons I wanted to end it because I can't tell him the truth about my thoughts around some of his decisions. I have all these things in my head I can't say cos I don't want to hurt him.

BTW When he mentioned it the insurance thing I just went silent. Perhaps I was in shock at the way he put it to me.

"If you really want to offer practical help, you should add my car to your insurance rather than telling me to contact CAB or any other agency that can't do anything"

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Don't you see that he's turning it round so it's YOU who's the issue? Not him. Not his debt. But you. He's manipulating the language around the situation so its YOU who's at fault. He's an arse.

FarmGirl78 · 21/06/2024 20:35

I'm too trusting and always want to see the best in people and I'd be a soft touch with some of this...

But fuck no!! You can do better than this carcrash of a man surely? Trust me, your life will be so much better without all this faff in it. Don't go in for this, and better still just get shut!!

Plantheads5 · 21/06/2024 20:32

OP, you are just another naive kind woman sucked into the mess of a loser and his ex.
He wants to marry you?
I bet he does!🙄
I really hope you fully wake up and see that you are nothing but a complete mug to him to be used.
God help your poor child if you don't!

GoneFishingToday · 21/06/2024 20:28

So, now that you've had so much good advice, and you say that it has only confirmed what you already felt, are you still going to continue seeing this sponger OP? Personally, I really hope that what people have told you, and what you've said about having to chase him for money that you had leant him previously, and his response to you telling him to go to CAB, you have now decided to dump this waste of space, and devote your time to enjoying your child while they are young. There are so many better blokes out there than this one!

moderndilemma · 21/06/2024 20:19

@CrossingBoundaries007 You've had lots of good advice, and it is all pretty solid in saying NO.

NO to anything about transferring car insurance
NO to lending him any more money
NO to letting him move in with you (however sad and difficult his circumstances are)
NO to prioritising him above anything to do with the financial security and stability of you and your dc

Your posts sound like you're hearing this loud and clear.

It's OK to like someone who is financially imcompetent, it's OK to be attracted to their other qualities. It's OK to feel the romance of them wanting to be with you long term. But it's never OK to link finances or property, or to get married to someone like this. See him as a friend, enjoy sex together. That's it.

As a single parent I met a great guy. Fireworks City! But it became evident that despite being in a high paying medical job he could not manage his money. If he got an overtime bonus of £1K he'd spend it - £600 on paying down his debt, plus £600 on buing a new bike, plus £600 on meals out, new clothes, a generous present for a friends wedding. It's not difficult to guess that the bike got bought, the meals, clothes, present got bought. He was another £200 in debt. Not a penny paid towards it.

OP, your boyfriend had a good paying job (or did he?). But he's spent beyond his means. He has been financially generous in the wrong ways. His income has reduced and he's not found a way to reduce his outgoings. That is a disastrous scenario. Plus his approach to risk taking is abysmal. I read once that having 3 points on your licence is acceptable - you possibly take a few well judged risks (doing 80 on a clear motoway in good weather, or ocassionaly run an amber light). More than that is a concern. It's someone who can't control their impulses to speed, or cut corners or to drive recklessly. Or to spend money.

Pleas back away from rescuing this man. He cannot be rescued.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 21/06/2024 19:58

EatTheGnome · 21/06/2024 19:56

There's no way he is funding the ex. Its codswallop.

Edited

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I agree. Bet you any money if you spoke to her she'd have a thing or two to tell you! If he's self employed as well he's probably only putting 12k through the books so he can get away with paying her a pittance

EatTheGnome · 21/06/2024 19:56

Ejvd · 21/06/2024 17:07

Why should you work to pay his insurance while his ex wife doesn't have to work? If you pay this, then you are funding her "lady of leisure" lifestyle (its certainly leisurely compared to a working single mum).

There's no way he is funding the ex. Its codswallop.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/06/2024 19:44

His bills are not your problem op.

You are not married, he is not living with you, he is not your child, he is a grown adult who is responsible for his own financial affairs and that's it.

You owe him fuck all, good luck getting rid 👍

ScottBakula · 21/06/2024 19:08

YeahWhateverGoAway · 21/06/2024 05:28

Alllll of the above.

If he's had insurance cancelled it's going to be a bloody nightmare anyway. They always ask if you have had, and lots refuse to insure if that's the case. The ones that do charge hugely for it. If he couldn't afford it before, he can't afford it now, no matter how much he promises you it.

Is your child/children in private school? His are, he's picking financially to do that. If you loan him money/put him on your insurance/buy food/pay his rent, you're also paying for that choice, when you're not making it for your own children. Every penny he takes (there will be lots of them coming up as well!) will be taking money direct from you and your own kids to fund his.
Honestly. Next will be the not paying rent, can I just stay with you/I'll pay towards food/it's just a few weeks. Do not under any circumstances say yes, he will drain you and never ever move out again. Your financial stability will go to shit and you and your own kids will suffer, you'll feel bad throwing him out as he will have nowhere to go, and you'll end up with a blended family where his kids get their own space paid for by him, but your kids don't.
if you don't want to ditch him fine, but keep it casual, with zero plans of living together/marriage until he's sorted his shit out. And don't believe the promises of he will once he's in your house. He needs to do it all before that.

All of this !
Don't get sucked into helping him out with money , loans , place to live etc.
Advice him again to go to cab , speak to his ex about payments for dcs ( not that his dcs should suffer because he is no good with money ) go to a credit union .
As soon as he starts to lean on you he will hold you down .

Ejvd · 21/06/2024 18:48

NotAgainWilson · 21/06/2024 18:36

I very much doubt the kept woman was a lady of leisure, I bet she spent her time turning herself backwards trying to keep the family with their heads above the water while he was experimenting in business and wasting the family money.

Many women are not able to keep a job when they do have children with selfish irresponsible men. Simply put, the guy is a loose cannon tripping them right left and centre so they cannot plan, focus on the job or give the job the priority it needs, while the father is letting the family down constantly and not doing his fair share of childcare or house chores (I know you say he is helpful but… do you think she would have married him if he wasn’t in the first place? It is when the relationship progresses that you start seeing their true colours).

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Yeah, being a SAHM of small kids isn't a leisurely life. I meant leisurely compared to a working single mum.

But it turns out the ex isn't a SAHM mum anymore anyway.

Pikapikapikachu11 · 21/06/2024 18:43

Whey do you think you will do op?

NotAgainWilson · 21/06/2024 18:36

CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 17:22

She's started working now, she started working after they split up. It was while they were together she was a "kept woman" most the time anyway.

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I very much doubt the kept woman was a lady of leisure, I bet she spent her time turning herself backwards trying to keep the family with their heads above the water while he was experimenting in business and wasting the family money.

Many women are not able to keep a job when they do have children with selfish irresponsible men. Simply put, the guy is a loose cannon tripping them right left and centre so they cannot plan, focus on the job or give the job the priority it needs, while the father is letting the family down constantly and not doing his fair share of childcare or house chores (I know you say he is helpful but… do you think she would have married him if he wasn’t in the first place? It is when the relationship progresses that you start seeing their true colours).

gardenmusic · 21/06/2024 18:02

Crossing boundaries,
Even if you decide not to get rid of him, please, do not get in a car with him!