So unbelievably bored

It sounds like some sort of hobby or club outside the house will benefit you. What about adding some kind of craft, too? Something you can do when you're watching TV (or other free bits of time) that will make that time something to look forward to.

I started knitting when I was 10, and added other stitching crafts during my teen years. I did counted cross-stitch for years, then quilted for many years. When my kids were small I looked forward to the minutes here and there I could spend on it, gradually the time increased. My kids are now grown (I'm carer for one) and my husband is about to retire. I have a of time and my current pastimes are knitting, quilting, printed cross-stitch, and diamond painting. My son and his fiancee just bought me a paint-by-number kit for my birthday so I'll try my hand at that. I like to read as well.

My husband and I binge-watch shows or watch sports when we're home in the evenings, I enjoy both but am not good at just sitting. Between reading Mumsnet on my laptop and the craft of the moment, I love my evenings.

Mon-thurs for me is nothing special. We literally go to bed about an hour after kids so usually watch tv or read

Dh exercises in a morning as too tired on an evening. I exercise on my days off plus we both walk the dog.

Friday Saturday night we will watch a film or comedy show or play board game or listen to music. And have a few drinks

Weekends we usually see family or go park/ out with kids

Dh is also not social but if we can get childcare we go for a meal or a band etc.

I have a monthly book club, a couple old friends I meet up with every month for lunch or tea or and two close friends I do stuff with regularly - coffee , concerts, theatre etc so I'm usually out a couple times a month

I learnt that I can't make dh be more social so I had to find my own stuff

On the plus side in a few more years you will have a babysitter.

First tho I'd try lifting your mood. Yoga, meditation, counselling could help. Then look at building your social life

When the eldest is at his dad's EOW do something once the little one is in bed. Date night with DH stick some candles on have a takeaway or meal sat on a rug. Or have a games night with your glass of wine with some cards or a new board game. Even when you are stuck at home you can mix it up. We don't get much childcare either but have done things like making cocktails on our wedding anniversary and competitive games nights. There are ways.

I understand how you feel, OP. My life felt like it was stuck in a rut for years, mostly because I was single-parenting two SN kids. I was exhausted from all the work and responsibility - too tired to go out or exercise. Finally, in desperation, I went back to school (one day a week) and it broke the monotony.

Otherwise, are you getting enough sleep? Is your marriage okay?

You don't need to be a Debbie Downer! It's not all bad.

OP ditch the glasses of wine, get into exercise even if it's just buying a second hand bike and get out and about.

I love getting out cycling 🚲

Getting a subscription to audiobook service might be worth a shot?

I get it op. Stuck in a rut is the best way to describe it and it's hard to break out of. And it pisses you off because you know only you can do something about it and people will tell you that and it pisses you off further... 😩

I assume finances are reasonable? One thing I've tried to do is always have 'something' booked, preferably a few things. If I see an event/show/whatever that looks interesting, I'll take a pic of the poster or check it out immediately and keep a running list of interesting stuff. If at all possible I'll book it and not talk myself out of it unless it is impractical or unaffordable. Either individual stuff or family trips. For example we've got a family Legoland trip (clubcard vouchers, booked to a specific day), concert (me and DH), show (local theatre, me and DC1), long awaited meet up with friends requiring travel, 1 afternoon crafty workshop (with my mum), volunteering at a couple events for DC's club, etc. Nothing to set the world alight, but you get the idea. Obviously I'm sure you do 'stuff', but a shift towards actually booking/fixing stuff helps me avoid the rut or 'cant be bothered now' feeling. Evenings are hard, you've had some good suggestions here which I'm taking note of!

He has literally no interest in going out. I could count on one hand the amount of times he's been out with friends in the last few years. He's just rubbish and making arrangements and doesn't seem bothered about doing stuff.
He's fine with me going out though and will always look after the kids.

A major factor is that your husband is really boring. I don’t he’s unusual. Most middle aged men want to retreat into hibernation and torpor, just as the women’s lives are opening up. It’s so draining and depressing.

Could this be a DH problem and would you be happier in your own? I don’t think I could respect someone who never wanted to go out.

Join some sort of evening class or club. The vomit ent to the time will make it easier to muster up the energy to go out.

I do pilates every Wednesday evening,.sound bath once a month on a Sunday evening and DH puts kids to bed. Join peanut to meet other mums so you can meet up with them with your kids. Good luck

but in reality I get home at 5, sort tea for the kids, then have about an hour to do all the household stuff, then it's the little ones bedtime. After that I suppose I could go the gym or something but I feel obliged to sit with the older one

I just reread this. Why is all this on you OP? This makes it sound like all the daily drudge is on you whilst DP ‘potters about’ At home. No wonder you are exhausted.
You go out, leave him to it.
You really need to find your passion and interest in life. It make take you a while, trying different hobbies and activities till you find your ‘thing’ but you will find it.

Putting it bluntly, you need to find your own passion in life as you will never find it with your DH. You have very different notions of what creates an ideal life, and he is already living his. You aren’t.

It’s not about waiting for the kids to grow up. your H will still be happy at home and you still won’t. Use his happy-at-homeness to your advantage so he looks after the kids and you get out.

When the bright evenings come we never turn on the TV. I have only watched it for important sporting events since April. We don't plan this but it happens every year as soon as we have long evenings. Then we potter in the garden until late, go for a walk, read etc. I genuinely am never bored. I find for me the greatest antidote to boredom is exercise. Do something ..on your own..it will lift your mood immediately and lead to other things. It will also stop the wine as you will be too busy to even think about it. Join a local pilates class or circuit training. Don't overthink it just do it and gradually this will lead to more. At least your dh being a home bird means you have more freedom. Your toddler won't be 2 for ever and this phase will pass.

Your H likes staying at home, so that means you have a permanent ‘childcare’.

Now’s your time to find your own hobbies and interests. You don’t even need to pick things that fit around his hobbies and activities, as he has none. So you have total freedom there- that’s such a gift.

Your posts are filled with the mentality of constraints, but you have some real opportunities there, ones that many other people do not have. You need to grasp them.

It’s time to get out and build your own life.

Btw, you’ll find that you feel tired and like you can’t be bothered BEFORE you go out, but you’ll pick up once you actually are out.

@Dazedandconfusedma I can't say, it would be too outing 😅

Myself and dh made a pact that 3 nights a week we wouldn’t watch tv, if we weren’t working we’d read, sit in the kitchen and chat or play a game of cards/ chess or scrabble. I’ve also started just reading and going to bed before ten. I’ll be honest we stick to it for a while then fall back then do it again etc but When you literally have seen nearly everything on Netflix it’s time to stop.

My mil and sil do online art classes once a week, they pick something off YouTube and follow it through, my other friend has gotten into crafting and I know tons of people who do jigsaws. I agree with the night out, see if you can find anyone you trust to help for one night and go to a comedy club or gig in a pub or something. Best of luck op, it’s so hard!

I agree with the pp that going back to toddler wrangling is very hard after such a long gap.

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but nothing is going to change unless you put the effort in op; something which feels virtually impossible for you atm; so is this really a question of you being in a rut, or, is the real question that you feel too depressed to change things? Maybe you need to talk to the gp?

From what you have written above, you have EOW when you “just” have the toddler, and although toddlers can be relentless, surely it would be possible for your dh to look after them one regular morning, afternoon or evening during that we, so that you could pursue an interest?

And I think you should go out with your dh once a fortnight too. You say you have no childcare help, but why not employ a baby-sitter? An energetic grandmother type who lives nearby? Ask for recommendations from everyone you know. Get talking to other parents at the school gate, at the local playground, ask on class WhatsApp etc. And just go for a drive or a walk or meal with your dh , maybe try exercising together, learn a new hobby together, and try and revitalise your relationship a bit?

Or is your relationship what lies at the bottom of all of this do you think? Is your dh’s passivity getting you down? If so, would counselling help?

Good luck with getting to grips with what is wrong precisely op and in taking some action dependent on your conclusions.

So you know you're stuck in a rut, and the only one that can change that is you

DH puts toddler to bed, say 3 nights a week. You could do 2 nights going for a walk, cycle or playing a board game with your eldest. The third night is for you to go to a yoga class, the gym, a swim, a walk, a run, a book club...whatever, just something that isnt shit tv

Batch cook at a weekend so you dont have to cook every night, or utilise a slow cooker

What are you doing at weekends? Time block it out so you all get to do a bit of what you like at the weekend, but also spend time together

I'm run 2 businesses, have 2 kids, 2 dogs, a horse and I run, and while its a constant juggle, you can have a full life and be a good mum

What is the new hobby?!

One issue is that you were probably getting a bit of your life back as your first child got older and then started everything again with a new baby.

Are you and your DH compatible? If he is happy to stay at home with the kids you need to get out, get a hobby etc

I think it's very easy to drift away from previous friends when everyone's busy with their lives. Have you tried making new friends through your kids? Toddler groups with your younger one could be a way to socialise a bit while looking after them. And if you invest in some friendships, in a year or two you might be at the stage where you can trade off sleepovers with the friends and have some free evenings (we've just reached this stage with my 4yo and it's great).

And in fact through some new parent friends I met in my DCs music class I now have a very wacky, niche and fun new hobby that I would never have imagined a year ago! People can enrich your life unexpectedly.

Maybe instead of feeling like you need to change your everyday routine (hard to do) you could talk to some of your friends who are in the same boat, and book in a few fun things over a few months?

I have a friend who occasionally goes "Aaaargh I'm so bored with my life! Who's coming shark wrestling/cheese rolling/to New York with me?" It kind of wakes the rest of us up a bit.

It sounds as if maybe you should talk to your GP about your mental health. It sounds a bit like depression.

Having said that, it's very common for parents of toddlers to struggle and maybe just remembering that toddlerhood doesn't last for long might help you get through the days.

Same, I keep having this feeling like I want to start a new career. It then feels stupid but it keeps coming back to me and i'm just wasting my life anyway if I don't do something

You need to take it in turns to go out.

Not necessarily. Things often get better once you no longer have child care responsibilities. However that is not going to help the OP now. I agree with others . Can your OH look after the children one night a week whilst you go out ? X