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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

318 replies

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:11

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

OP posts:
Tiredtiredtired100 · 20/06/2024 21:43

CassandraWebb · 20/06/2024 21:10

I got a promotion and was working flat out (like op husband ) and I am so grateful to my husband (my kids step dad) who not only did all the washing out also did almost all the cooking and school runs too for a stretch. Now my work has settled in and he has a promotion and the house work balance has swung back the other way for a bit. We are a team, and getting petty about which child's t shirt we wash and which we don't would be silly.

Show quote history

When things are temporary I do the same. I have done school runs, cook meals and do lots for my step-kids but I am not going to spend my entire maternity leave washing and folding laundry for them just because I’m at home more. Their dad did it before we lived together so he still can.

Original poster
Lri · 20/06/2024 21:43

Satanzlilhelpa · 20/06/2024 21:34

They are more than old enough to learn the vital life skill of laundry.

I didn’t say it was embarrassing, I said I found it embarrassing as a young teenager and that I find it strange to be washing it as a (step)parent as I was so conscious of everything as a teenager. It also doesn’t seem appropriate as they get older, especially as the 17 year old has a boyfriend and has started buying fancier underwear if you get my drift!

Also, period blood isn’t just ‘blood’, it’s menstruation and tissue, and whilst there is nothing gross or embarrassing about your own, I do think someone else handling it, especially as you approach adulthood is a little gross. If we were talking about skid marks or pee, people would be horrified.

OP posts:
Pritas · 20/06/2024 21:43

PercyPigInAWig · 20/06/2024 21:21

I think you’re being OTT about ‘touching dirty clothes’ and doing your own washing as a teenager so your parents didn’t touch your underwear. It’s all just clothes so with the exception of the period underwear you mentioned the teen should be given guidance to do that. You’re not their mum but they might prefer to have that advice from a woman and as they live with you I’m assuming you have some kind of relationship.

They’re not too young to operate a washing machine but I would do their washing in exchange for other chores as everyone’s laundry gets done quicker with one person doing it so you have a white/dark/towel wash or whatever instead of running a half empty washing machine.

This.
This is mumsnet so no parent should do anything for a teenager.
I don't get the attitude that " I had to do it so my children should".
My parents made me do all my washing at 11 as well as hoovering and cooking. I swore I wouldn't do the same to my own DC. I made sure they knew know how to do it but thats all. It doesn't make sense for 4 people in a house to do separate lots of washing (or cooking for that matter), all the more so when you are at home full time while they are at school. If your partner was the stay at home parent I would expect him to do it.

Satanzlilhelpa · 20/06/2024 21:42

For the period blood, aldi's version of vanish for colours is brill as is aldi almat. She ought to be washing her own smalls at that age. It's doing her no favours babying her.

countcalculia · 20/06/2024 21:40

Littleorangeflowers · 20/06/2024 20:40

I think it's quite sad. I don't know how often they are with you but I'm the mum with daughter that will one day no doubt have a step mum, or a number of them by the way things are going with ex. I very much hope the step mum looks after her or somehow she can stay with me so I can but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case. I worry about things like daughter getting period at her dad's house :/

Or you and your dd’s dad could teach your dd independence and teach her how to use a washing machine when she’s 11/12.

You can also teach her about periods so she can take care of herself.

Quittingwifework · 20/06/2024 21:40

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:47

I do look after my stepchildren well and we have a very open, good and close relationship. They often mention how I’ve helped them with so and so, how they value my advice and our time together, so there’s no issues there.

I think they should be doing their own washing full stop. But an added point I was making that, when I was their age (and younger) the thought of my own parents washing soiled underwear in particular made me recoil! That’s why I was questioning the appropriateness of it. And yes periods are normal etc but touching someone else’s soiled underwear is a little gross let’s be honest. I don’t wash my DH’s underwear either by the way!

You don’t wash your husband’s underwear?! Do you separate it?! You’re a SAHM surely you do the bulk of washing etc as he’s at work.

I don’t understand any of this tbh. Yes they could do it; and you/he should teach them how. But they are at school all day and on what planet when you’re doing washing wouldn’t you just throw everything in together?

I just don’t understand people on here. Who begrudges someone doing their washing if they are already putting a load on?

ScabbyHorse · 20/06/2024 21:40

I would be vague and say you keep forgetting, leave the washing machine instructions out in the kitchen or wherever the washing machine is

Frangipanyoul8r · 20/06/2024 21:40

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This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Never seen a skid mark on a penis, seen plenty on pants.

Frogmarch89 · 20/06/2024 21:39

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🤣🤣🤣🤣

fruitbrewhaha · 20/06/2024 21:39

Of course they can do it themselves. If they are cooperative they could do it together.

Hayliebells · 20/06/2024 21:38

Your DH has been doing them a disservice by doing their washing for then, especially the 17 year old. Part of parenting is teaching your children to be independent, he hasn't been doing that, but now is as good a time as any to start. Of course YANBU, they're plenty old enough to do their own washing, and they should be doing it.

JanefromLondon1 · 20/06/2024 21:36

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This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Frangipanyoul8r · 20/06/2024 21:36

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it

If your DH wants to baby his teenagers then that’s on him. That’s nothing to do with you. I was doing all of my washing from age 14 onwards, it’s hardly rocket science.

JanefromLondon1 · 20/06/2024 21:35

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This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Satanzlilhelpa · 20/06/2024 21:34

They are more than old enough to learn the vital life skill of laundry.

GrumpyPanda · 20/06/2024 21:34

Littleorangeflowers · 20/06/2024 20:40

I think it's quite sad. I don't know how often they are with you but I'm the mum with daughter that will one day no doubt have a step mum, or a number of them by the way things are going with ex. I very much hope the step mum looks after her or somehow she can stay with me so I can but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case. I worry about things like daughter getting period at her dad's house :/

You hope that by age 17, your daughter will have a skivy stepmum to do her washing for her? I've heard it all now. Maybe you ought to send her over to dad's with her ladies' maid in attendance.

TeaGinandFags · 20/06/2024 21:34

Combine the laundry and teach the stepchildren how to do it.

Problem solved.

Laundry, like cooking, cleaning and reading the meter is a life skill. Then they can practice until they leave. They'll moan like hell then, once their independent, realise the favour you did them. And uou will have a bit more time to give their father a kick up the bum.

PinkTonic · 20/06/2024 21:33

I think it’s odd to make teenagers do their own washing separately, and can’t be very efficient. I think it’s ridiculous to be squeamish about underwear. Having said that, they are old enough to operate the machine, so if they want something washed by a deadline they should do it themselves, and ask if anyone else has anything to add to the load. No moaning someone hasn’t done it for them, that’s unacceptable.

Chestnuttrees · 20/06/2024 21:33

Surely if he was single he would find time to wash their clothes? How can anyone be so busy at work that they can’t wash clothes? He can pop the load in before bed. Hang first thing in the morning? Or tumble dry first thing? Put away in the evening? Unless he is using a scrubbing board and mangle he has time.

Next time he spends 20 mins on the loo. Or cleaning his bike chain.

He can’t be fucked and sees it as wife work. It’s a slippery slope to a pit of resentment.

Satanzlilhelpa · 20/06/2024 21:30

there's tutorials on YouTube on how to.

Satanzlilhelpa · 20/06/2024 21:29

They need to learn to fluff and fold.

countcalculia · 20/06/2024 21:28

PercyPigInAWig · 20/06/2024 21:21

I think you’re being OTT about ‘touching dirty clothes’ and doing your own washing as a teenager so your parents didn’t touch your underwear. It’s all just clothes so with the exception of the period underwear you mentioned the teen should be given guidance to do that. You’re not their mum but they might prefer to have that advice from a woman and as they live with you I’m assuming you have some kind of relationship.

They’re not too young to operate a washing machine but I would do their washing in exchange for other chores as everyone’s laundry gets done quicker with one person doing it so you have a white/dark/towel wash or whatever instead of running a half empty washing machine.

They don’t want her advice, they want her to do their washing.

The brats can do it themselves.

countcalculia · 20/06/2024 21:27

ilovepixie · 20/06/2024 21:26

Would you do the washing if they were your biological children?

She’s already answered this. She said no.

ilovepixie · 20/06/2024 21:26

Would you do the washing if they were your biological children?

AloeVerity · 20/06/2024 21:26

DH can do it.