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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

318 replies

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:11

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

OP posts:
slummymummy24 · 21/06/2024 09:07

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:24

@TinyYellow If his children were younger then I would have no issue. But washing teenager’s clothing, including underwear, that sometimes has period blood etc leaked onto them, doesn’t seem like a task I should be taking on. Especially as they aren’t my biological children, it seems inappropriate?!

Why not try a half way house - my DSD is 14 and I do her laundry when it is here - mainly to ensure load is full etc. however I expect them ( and my own teen) to bring washing to the machine and help to hang it up/ sort sometimes. The period blood thing is a difficult one - my DSD has been so embarrassed about leaks that she was bundling it all in the wardrobe - I haven't said anything as do not want to embarrass her so I just search for it, wash it clean (rinse it myself and vanish) and just return. I also hand wash her period swim things as she shares a bathroom with my DS. I am a nursery assistant though so I get worse jobs to do at work sometimes😂

Sahara123 · 21/06/2024 09:04

Hmm good point. Is knickers essentially a feminine term, I guess so.
He would definitely say pants , as would I usually, I think in this instance I said knickers in a slightly jovial light hearted manner as l hoped to convey this wasn’t a terribly serious comment!

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 21/06/2024 08:46

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it.

Mmm, too young to face the crippling responsibility of washing their own dirty clothes/plates. And yet one will be old enough to live independently in a year…

YellowAsteroid · 21/06/2024 08:42

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it.

Goodness me, he has no idea! At 14 I was responsible for my own washing & ironing if I wanted anything specific for a particular day and so on. I was certainly expected to take my washing into the laundry and sort it into the washing baskets there.

By 17 I was living away from home at university, so totally responsible (I used to make my own clothes as well).

YANBU to refuse to do their washing.

CassandraWebb · 21/06/2024 08:35

C152 · 20/06/2024 21:26

I think it's a bit unusual to have such an aversion to chucking another close family member's laundry in with your own when you're doing a load. But the issue is your DH - you said you don't wash his pants, so unless he's constantly buying new underwear or going commando, he must have time to do some laundry. Therefore, he can wash his kids laundry when he does his own. (Although, really, wouldn't it be easier to work as a team? You do a load one day and he does the next load? No matter how busy and important women are, we still manage to do the laundry...)

I also agree that both kids (especially the 17 year old) are old enough to be doing household chores like laundry. Their dad isn't doing them any favours by failing to teach them how to be independent.

This is a good point. Surely a separate basket for DH's and the DSCs underwear is all that is needed.

Utterly bizarre though

CassandraWebb · 21/06/2024 08:30

Icanttakethisanymore · 20/06/2024 22:43

Wait, what? Your DH does his own pant wash? Or he does all his clothes? Men’s pants really are just the same as any other item of clothing surely? Women’s underwear is slightly different i suppose in that there is typically some discharge (not something I’d personally get upset about but can at least see a distinction), men’s pants are not ‘soiled’ unless your DH can’t wipe his bum… which surely he can?!

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Quite. And presumably the op has sex with her DH on occasion so she can't find his nether reasons all that disgusting!

Arewealljustloosingtheplot · 21/06/2024 08:26

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:32

@Longdueachange It happens and they know it’s fine, periods happen, no shame here. But I still feel it’s a point of pride to wash your own soiled underwear?

I can’t even tell you how sick I am of puttin my hand int he washing basket to sort a load and picking up a blood covered thong. I tell husband EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s disgusting.

my Step kids are really here enough to warrant separate loads and I wouldn’t like the wasted water , my DH would never remeber to do it so I don’t mind chucking the odd thing in but I can’t believe they don’t rinse out the soiled underwear or at least leave it in the sink - I hate that it’s in with my things ( dirty or not!)

this is one of those situations where you can’t really win!

Rewis · 21/06/2024 08:23

I live by myself and therefore wash only my clothes. Very rarely I have a non-full load.

That being said, even if you did was the laundry it seems like they have a bit of an attitude. They need to initiate If they want something done for them and not expect someone coming to their rooms and taking their hampers.

TangerinePlate · 21/06/2024 08:21

I wonder what’s the age that they are not too young to wash their clothes or run the hoover round the house 🤔

Is that at 18? Magic happens when they open their eyes on their 18th birthday morning and their brain suddenly clicks into “chores” mode?

Or is it at 21? 25?

sashh · 21/06/2024 08:16

Do they actually know how to use the washing machine? That should be part of the plan for the weekend, your DH teaching them.

Chocolateorange22 · 21/06/2024 08:12

Luxell934 · 21/06/2024 08:01

People mention about the washing machine being half empty when on. It's not hard for them to ask if anyone has any whites/darks etc to add to the load.

Works both ways then surely? Why can she ask the children if they have any whites/darks to wash when she’s going everyone else’s washing.

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Oh definitely no dispute from me there

spriots · 21/06/2024 08:10

MuddlingMackem · 20/06/2024 21:59

How many changes of clothes do some people have to justify separate washes?

We have four adults in our household and excluding bedding have 3 - 5 loads per week (9kg machine).

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We do everyone's separately and it really isn't a big deal to wait for a full load.

It varies but roughly once a week for a load each. Our washing machine is smaller than yours, 6kg but we all have considerably more than a week's worth of clothing.

I never understand why people overcomplicate the laundry by mixing up everyone's clothing and having to separate it out again into piles, seems a colossal waste of time.

As opposed to having a basket each, when full, wash, return to bedroom and put all away

CherryBlossom321 · 21/06/2024 08:10

Laundry is one of my responsibilities in our house, I do everyone’s as I have more time to commit to it. Your DH is also old enough to do his own - do you do his washing?

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2024 08:05

Don't get the mortification over dirty laundry. Its laundry and it gets dirty

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2024 08:04

I wouldn't expect a 14 yr old to do washing

Everything gets washed together on our house. Teens bring laundry baskets down sat morning and sort their clothes into piles on kitchen floor - light, dark, white, hand-wash, bedding then I shove the washes on and dry them. Dh usually sorts everything I to piles when dry then teems put everything away

Strictlymad · 21/06/2024 08:02

Do they help generally round the house, I think that’s the big question. If they have their chores and get on well with them then you should do the whole household laundry. If they don’t lift a finger then they could take on the whole household laundry as their task to wash dry and fold. My 6 year olds job is to put the washing in and take out and hang on airer

Luxell934 · 21/06/2024 08:01

Chocolateorange22 · 20/06/2024 20:14

Seriously? One of them is old enough to be off to university in a few months. DH needs a shake, when did his mother stop washing his dirty pants? I was doing my own washing from about 11 as my mum couldn't stand washing my football kit. I was ironing from 13 and cooking dinner for when my parents got home from work at a similar age. I find it very bizarre a 17 year old wants you touching their dirty clothes, aren't they mortified?

People mention about the washing machine being half empty when on. It's not hard for them to ask if anyone has any whites/darks etc to add to the load.

Edited

People mention about the washing machine being half empty when on. It's not hard for them to ask if anyone has any whites/darks etc to add to the load.

Works both ways then surely? Why can she ask the children if they have any whites/darks to wash when she’s going everyone else’s washing.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/06/2024 07:58

Teens can crack on and do their own washing. Show them once or twice and then leave them to it. You DH could do it if he thinks they shouldn’t, but ultimately do not do their washing.

Does DH expect you to pick up slack for other aspects of his children’s lives?

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2024 07:52

Show them how to use the machine. See if they actually do it.

CupboardTV · 21/06/2024 07:49

CandiedPrincess · 21/06/2024 07:11

I didn't have to do my own washing, and I didn't got to uni but guess what? I can still use a washing machine. What an achievement Grin Like you're entire life's success depends on whether your parents made you wash your own pants when you were 14.

Maybe your parents felt you weren't ready to take responsibility for your own washing at 14, it's great that you can manage it now!

NuttyNuthatch · 21/06/2024 07:45

I doubt you will want your bio children to wash their own clothes when they are 14. I would just wash whatever is in the basket esp seeing that you age just a sahm. Sounds like you are deliberately difficult tbh.

Sartre · 21/06/2024 07:43

I know I’m an anomaly but I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself so I have no sympathy for teenagers who won’t do their own washing. The machine does everything for you, it’s the easiest and most straightforward chore.

cyclamenqueen · 21/06/2024 07:42

Valeriekat · 21/06/2024 07:06

That's actually quite gross and shows that you don't have enough respect for your cleaner.

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do you think that about people who work in laundries. Plenty of people use service washes and laundries in care homes etc they wash everyone’s clothes regardless of what part of their body they cover .

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/06/2024 07:37

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/06/2024 22:47

@Icanttakethisanymore pants/knickers/undies = universal for 'underwear' in my house, not gender specific. I'll refer to DP's underpants as knickers if the mood takes me. I know lots of people who do same (and equally, lots who do not).

In our house everyone wears pants but I might switch to everyone wearing knickers from now on, sounds much better

CandiedPrincess · 21/06/2024 07:11

I didn't have to do my own washing, and I didn't got to uni but guess what? I can still use a washing machine. What an achievement Grin Like you're entire life's success depends on whether your parents made you wash your own pants when you were 14.