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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

318 replies

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:11

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 20/06/2024 20:58

Show them how do to do it themselves. DS was doing his own washing and ironing at 14. Its absurd that he thinks they are too young.

Gillypie23 · 20/06/2024 20:55

They are old enough to do their own.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 20/06/2024 20:52

Ask your husband what exactly he thinks is his role as a parent. Is it

A, to send his children out into the world unable to wash their clothes, cook a meal, manage a budget, open a bank account?

B, to send his children out into the world with the basic skills they need?

He’s doing them a great disservice by babying them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:51

You're welcome @Littleorangeflowers I don't know who told me to do that so I won't take credit. Grin

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/06/2024 20:50

Either he does it or they do. You have very valid reasons for not taking on their laundry and you've offered to show them how. A 17 year old could be driving and a car is a much more complicated piece of machinery. Talk about it as a way of showing confidence in their capability and independence.

Needmorelego · 20/06/2024 20:50

@MrsTerryPratchett either me or my husband hang it out - whichever one of us realises the machine has finished.
When it's dry - mostly it's me that sorts it into piles to put away because it usually dries over night (clothes horse drying system because we live in a flat) and in the daytime I am home and he is at work. Plus the clothes horses get in my way. It takes about 5 minutes.
We don't iron.
I lovingly organise my autistic teens clothes and hang up etc - but she prefers them to be in a heap on the floor 😂

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:48

Robbing them of their independence? Pmsl.

Chores are correlated with adult success. So yes, piss yourself all you like, but it's true.

Littleorangeflowers · 20/06/2024 20:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:45

Make her a little 'period kit' (pads, spare knickers, wipes etc.)and explain everything. She'll be prepared and equipped. DD even gave hers to a friend at school who came on and no one had explained anything to. She was proud to socialise another young women into the club Smile

Show quote history

Aw thanks 🙂that's a good idea 💕

Original poster
Lri · 20/06/2024 20:47

I do look after my stepchildren well and we have a very open, good and close relationship. They often mention how I’ve helped them with so and so, how they value my advice and our time together, so there’s no issues there.

I think they should be doing their own washing full stop. But an added point I was making that, when I was their age (and younger) the thought of my own parents washing soiled underwear in particular made me recoil! That’s why I was questioning the appropriateness of it. And yes periods are normal etc but touching someone else’s soiled underwear is a little gross let’s be honest. I don’t wash my DH’s underwear either by the way!

OP posts:
Longdueachange · 20/06/2024 20:46

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:32

@Longdueachange It happens and they know it’s fine, periods happen, no shame here. But I still feel it’s a point of pride to wash your own soiled underwear?

I get it, but would you really want them to set the washing machine up on a 60 degree hygiene wash for a pair of knickers.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/06/2024 20:46

Scarletttulips · 20/06/2024 20:40

doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to

What, and rob them of their independence?

Yes because shoving some washing in a machine with your own will make them a failure in life. However will they cope.

Robbing them of their independence? Pmsl.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:45

Littleorangeflowers · 20/06/2024 20:40

I think it's quite sad. I don't know how often they are with you but I'm the mum with daughter that will one day no doubt have a step mum, or a number of them by the way things are going with ex. I very much hope the step mum looks after her or somehow she can stay with me so I can but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case. I worry about things like daughter getting period at her dad's house :/

Make her a little 'period kit' (pads, spare knickers, wipes etc.)and explain everything. She'll be prepared and equipped. DD even gave hers to a friend at school who came on and no one had explained anything to. She was proud to socialise another young women into the club Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:42

Needmorelego · 20/06/2024 20:39

I never understand these posts about different family members doing their washing at different times.
My family method of washing is when an item of clothes needs washing it goes straight in the machine. When the machine is full - on it goes.
We don't separate colours (except for if it's a brand new pair of jeans or new bright pink towel or something).
Clothes in, washing gel in, machine on....done.
All this "my washing, his washing, the teenagers washing" sounds a faff.

Putting things in the washing machine is the obvious, easy part.

Who gets it out, hangs or separates for drying, folds and/or irons, hangs in wardrobes and/or puts away?

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 20/06/2024 20:42

CassandraWebb · 20/06/2024 20:39

My rule is either they pop it in the laundry basket and it gets washed when DH or I get round to it, or if they wanted it washed by a specific time /in a specific way then they do it themselves

I have 2 of my own and 2 sc and DH and I just keep bunging washes on whenever we get a chance, but the teens know they also have the option to do their own washes

Pretty much what happens here.....

But I know I can message the family chat at ask either of them to put a dark/colours/whites on and they know how to do it, as well as hang it for drying.

TooLateForRoses · 20/06/2024 20:42

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/06/2024 20:36

I'm going against the grain here but if you're a SAHM and doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to.

Yes they are old enough but from both an economic and environmental perspective it makes far more sense to do everything together.

It doesn't as long as the load is full it doesn't matter who's it is

CassandraWebb · 20/06/2024 20:40

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:32

@Longdueachange It happens and they know it’s fine, periods happen, no shame here. But I still feel it’s a point of pride to wash your own soiled underwear?

Really? This is just a weird attitude. We all have periods, nothing to be ashamed of or have to wash secretly.

Scarletttulips · 20/06/2024 20:40

doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to

What, and rob them of their independence?

Littleorangeflowers · 20/06/2024 20:40

I think it's quite sad. I don't know how often they are with you but I'm the mum with daughter that will one day no doubt have a step mum, or a number of them by the way things are going with ex. I very much hope the step mum looks after her or somehow she can stay with me so I can but unfortunately I don't think this will be the case. I worry about things like daughter getting period at her dad's house :/

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 20/06/2024 20:40

Eldest started at 12/13 but will put leggings and hoodies in main baskets. Youngest is 12 and started at Easter off her own back. again stuff that "can't be ruined by dad putting a mixed wash on and not checking if it's hand-wash etc" still goes in main baskets.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2024 20:40

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:37

He - in my opinion - babies them in quite a few ways. This is just one of many, but they are his children ultimately so it’s up to him. But when he starts asking me to do tasks like their washing, that’s why I get involved with my opinion.

And you’re right to do so. If he’s so worried they can’t safely press the right buttons he can do it himself. He has no right at all to delegate this to you. Cheeky sod.

dammit88 · 20/06/2024 20:40

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/06/2024 20:36

I'm going against the grain here but if you're a SAHM and doing the washing for another child anyway then I think it's a bit petty not to.

Yes they are old enough but from both an economic and environmental perspective it makes far more sense to do everything together.

I agree. I think its quite normal for washing to go on as a family wash and don't know any family where individuals in the household do their own washing separately

CassandraWebb · 20/06/2024 20:39

My rule is either they pop it in the laundry basket and it gets washed when DH or I get round to it, or if they wanted it washed by a specific time /in a specific way then they do it themselves

I have 2 of my own and 2 sc and DH and I just keep bunging washes on whenever we get a chance, but the teens know they also have the option to do their own washes

BodenCardiganNot · 20/06/2024 20:39

@Lri
Why do you keep referring to dirty underwear?

Needmorelego · 20/06/2024 20:39

I never understand these posts about different family members doing their washing at different times.
My family method of washing is when an item of clothes needs washing it goes straight in the machine. When the machine is full - on it goes.
We don't separate colours (except for if it's a brand new pair of jeans or new bright pink towel or something).
Clothes in, washing gel in, machine on....done.
All this "my washing, his washing, the teenagers washing" sounds a faff.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2024 20:39

Lri · 20/06/2024 20:37

He - in my opinion - babies them in quite a few ways. This is just one of many, but they are his children ultimately so it’s up to him. But when he starts asking me to do tasks like their washing, that’s why I get involved with my opinion.

One argument that worked with DH (who wants to be good cop in my house) is "do you want DD to be that roommate, who everyone hates and won't live with next year?" If they plan to go to university or move out ever, they will need these skills.