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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my working from home to be respected

337 replies

footballinthepub · 20/06/2024 18:58

I work from home a couple of days per week. I am mid-twenties and living in my parent's house at the moment however I am actively making offers on flats. There isn't much on the market in my area and I keep getting outbid so it's been a longer process than I'd like. I also contribute money each month to the house.

I am in my first line management position. When I work from home I use the office upstairs and shut the door. My dad doesn't work and so is in and out of the house during the day. About 11am this morning, he opened the door to the office with no warning and said, "bye!" I was on a call at the time but thankfully not one where I needed to have my camera on or participate.

Later this afternoon when he came home, he walked in again unexpectedly. I asked him if he would mind not just coming in to the office when I'm working as I had literally just finished a call speaking to someone in my team about wellbeing issues they're having; given that I'm a manager my work can be about sensitive confidential topics. My dad's response was, "don't you dare. I can go where I like in my own house". I pointed out that until I can get a flat, it is my house too as I don't have anywhere else to go. He then left without shutting the door properly behind him. I got up to close it.

About 15 minutes later he burst in again to get something from the office. I protested again and he said, "it's my house. I need to be able to come in and out when I want. All I can speak for is me and what I need". I suggested that we at least discuss and come to an agreement that considers what we both need, such as him knocking the door first to check if it's ok to come in. His response was, "oh wise up!" said with derision, as though I was being ridiculous. I asked where he suggested I go to work where I won't be disturbed and he said, "I don't know, that's your lookout and for you to work out".

He is now acting as though nothing has happened and that I'm the bad one for being annoyed with him. This is always the pattern when we have a disagreement and nothing gets resolved.

AIBU to expect not to be unexpectedly disturbed when working from home?

OP posts:
Bignanna · 21/06/2024 18:59

Dizzybet74 · 21/06/2024 18:50

Could you put a sign in the door when you are in a meeting? (My husband does this). Then the understanding is he doesn't come in when the sign is up, but acceptable at other times (though a knock appreciated)

Doesn’t sound as if he is the type to respect that, it will most likely make him worse.

Charm24 · 21/06/2024 18:57

This sounds exactly like my dad was. Never a compromise and always throwing authority around over reasonable requests. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but it does get better when you move out and have that distance and can get on with your own life. He will probably always be that way but when you’re not surrounded by it all the time it’s slightly easier to deal with.

best of the luck with the flat Hunting, although it can take a while it will be amazing once you find the right place!

Dizzybet74 · 21/06/2024 18:50

Could you put a sign in the door when you are in a meeting? (My husband does this). Then the understanding is he doesn't come in when the sign is up, but acceptable at other times (though a knock appreciated)

Pres11 · 21/06/2024 18:40

He should respect that you are working. Whether he has the attitude of ‘my house’ or not! It’s disrespectful to interrupt somebody working. My husband works from home, and I would never disturb him.

CupboardTV · 21/06/2024 18:29

HFJ · 21/06/2024 12:13

Actually, companies can stipulate quite a lot (although it’s good that your employer doesn’t assume young workers have additional office space at home).

My employer requires me to have a separate, private and quiet place in order to work from home (and working from home is a requirement). We are not allowed to be looking after children or elderly relatives at the same time. Barking, interrupting dogs would be frowned upon. I think retired people do not understand this about working from home. The father could potentially affect his daughter’s employment if his disturbance affects her ability to line manage or if he caused a break in client confidentiality.

Is your contract wfh or hybrid?

pinkyspromises · 21/06/2024 18:28

waterfallsa · 21/06/2024 14:55

You're question was " AIBU to expect my working from home to be respected"

YABU to expect.

I would be very grateful to be living at home and saving money in my mid 20s and given another room just for^ work.
You're very lucky and hopefully you show appreciation to your dad that you moan about.^

Wouldn’t have been grateful at all

living with the paaarants in your 20s is problematic for all concerned

pinkyspromises · 21/06/2024 18:26

Is he retired or unemployed? How old is he?

sounds like he’s a bit jealous of your career hurry up and find a flat and get your own space

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 21/06/2024 15:40

If you can work from your room this is a non problem. I assume "the office" means his office, or your mums.

RawBloomers · 21/06/2024 15:14

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/06/2024 14:22

Why are you so determined to think bad of the OP, why can't her father be a belligerent little tit of a man without your little PA remarks about the OP being the same?

I’m not determined to see either of them a particular way, though do agree the father’s behaviour is rude and childish. I’ve just been pointing out that there may be more depth to this.

OP asks if she is being unreasonable to expect her use of this room the way she wants it to be respected. And that depends on whether or not she has been clear and up front on what she needs and how that will impact her parents and whether her parents have happily granted her request.

waterfallsa · 21/06/2024 14:55

You're question was " AIBU to expect my working from home to be respected"

YABU to expect.

I would be very grateful to be living at home and saving money in my mid 20s and given another room just for^ work.
You're very lucky and hopefully you show appreciation to your dad that you moan about.^

cestlavielife · 21/06/2024 14:36

Op's parent is unreasonable
However op cannot control that
She has asked
It does not work
Solution is to move out which she plans to do anyway

GingerPirate · 21/06/2024 14:25

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 21/06/2024 14:09

I'm from a different generation too but I'm aware how life has changed in the workplace/for younger people.

Are you saying WFH per se isn't ideal, or that it isn't ideal in OP's situation, btw?

Not ideal in this OP's situation.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 21/06/2024 14:22

RawBloomers · 21/06/2024 14:19

Yes. That doesn’t tell us whether OP is similar to her father or not, though.

Why are you so determined to think bad of the OP, why can't her father be a belligerent little tit of a man without your little PA remarks about the OP being the same?

RawBloomers · 21/06/2024 14:19

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/06/2024 09:46

We do know from the OP though, that after having the problem explained, the father deliberately barged in a third time just to make a point. Then refused the OP's request to discuss it properly and see if they could come to a compromise they'd both be happy with.

So right or wrong, the father's a belligerent little tit of a man. We know that for sure.

Yes. That doesn’t tell us whether OP is similar to her father or not, though.

MsJacksonIfYoureNasty · 21/06/2024 14:11

HFJ · 21/06/2024 12:13

Actually, companies can stipulate quite a lot (although it’s good that your employer doesn’t assume young workers have additional office space at home).

My employer requires me to have a separate, private and quiet place in order to work from home (and working from home is a requirement). We are not allowed to be looking after children or elderly relatives at the same time. Barking, interrupting dogs would be frowned upon. I think retired people do not understand this about working from home. The father could potentially affect his daughter’s employment if his disturbance affects her ability to line manage or if he caused a break in client confidentiality.

How can an employer insist on anything if the employee is living in someone else’s house? It’s surely up to the homeowner to decide what they are prepared to tolerate in their property in terms of someone WFH?

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 21/06/2024 14:09

GingerPirate · 20/06/2024 22:27

Yes, possibly.
On the other hand, living at home with your parents at "mid twenties" isn't ideal, neither
is "working from home".
However, I'm a different generation.

I'm from a different generation too but I'm aware how life has changed in the workplace/for younger people.

Are you saying WFH per se isn't ideal, or that it isn't ideal in OP's situation, btw?

FinallyHere · 21/06/2024 14:04

LettuceTruss · 20/06/2024 19:01

Get one of those rubber door wedges. Cheap as chips. Block door with it so that he can’t push it open and come in. Wear headphones so you can’t hear him shouting. My DH does the same. This works.

This.

HFJ · 21/06/2024 12:58

Someone here mentioned brewing mental health issues. My first thought, based in experience, is that the father had early signs of dementia: unreasonable anger, no understanding of personal boundaries, wanting things all his way and getting in the way, intolerance of others’ needs, needing to be around someone all the time to check said person was aware of them and their needs.

HFJ · 21/06/2024 12:13

CupboardTV · 21/06/2024 09:44

Then companies have to make allowances for their employees not working from a professional environment. You can’t have it both ways. We have space for our junior colleagues because they usually only have their bedrooms to work from - it’s not healthy to be stuck in one room.

Actually, companies can stipulate quite a lot (although it’s good that your employer doesn’t assume young workers have additional office space at home).

My employer requires me to have a separate, private and quiet place in order to work from home (and working from home is a requirement). We are not allowed to be looking after children or elderly relatives at the same time. Barking, interrupting dogs would be frowned upon. I think retired people do not understand this about working from home. The father could potentially affect his daughter’s employment if his disturbance affects her ability to line manage or if he caused a break in client confidentiality.

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:59

That's appalling, but why don't you tell him to leave?

Because like op he can't afford to move out and I'm not going to see my son on the streets.

Ottervision · 21/06/2024 11:55

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:53

@Ottervision

How do you get "sweeping generalisations"
I opened by saying it depends and the sentence about the 90s said most parents not all.

Maybe it's you that shouldn't make sweeping generalisations when your situation or experience clearly isn't the same as everyone's.

Most? Based on...... what?

I never said it was? I was simply saying don't tar us all with the same brush because your son hasn't moved out.

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:53

@Ottervision

How do you get "sweeping generalisations"
I opened by saying it depends and the sentence about the 90s said most parents not all.

Maybe it's you that shouldn't make sweeping generalisations when your situation or experience clearly isn't the same as everyone's.

rainingsnoring · 21/06/2024 11:52

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:31

I think it depends how well you get on with your parents.
My son acts like an entitled brat in his mid 20s shows no respect, is a misogynist, rude, doesn't do anything asked of him or anything around the house and leaves a mess every time he's in, he's lippy, moody and resents living here and we resent he's still here. He's is a royal pain in the bum.

I can't wait for him to move out and the only thing that makes it bearable is that he's out at work all day, I think I'd have break down if he announced he would be home all day and going to be taking over my office.
By the time I was his age he was 9 I was married and had a left my parents house over 10 years, many parents had children in the late 90s expecting them to be long gone by now but instead they are they stuck with these grown men/woman who seem to think they can call all the shots and make all the boundaries while mum and dad to the line.
No wonder this generation aren't having children they don't fancy what's in store.

You seem to be projecting. Just because your son is unpleasant for whatever reason, it doesn't follow that everyone else born in the 1990s is the same.

Sossijiz · 21/06/2024 11:50

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:31

I think it depends how well you get on with your parents.
My son acts like an entitled brat in his mid 20s shows no respect, is a misogynist, rude, doesn't do anything asked of him or anything around the house and leaves a mess every time he's in, he's lippy, moody and resents living here and we resent he's still here. He's is a royal pain in the bum.

I can't wait for him to move out and the only thing that makes it bearable is that he's out at work all day, I think I'd have break down if he announced he would be home all day and going to be taking over my office.
By the time I was his age he was 9 I was married and had a left my parents house over 10 years, many parents had children in the late 90s expecting them to be long gone by now but instead they are they stuck with these grown men/woman who seem to think they can call all the shots and make all the boundaries while mum and dad to the line.
No wonder this generation aren't having children they don't fancy what's in store.

That's appalling, but why don't you tell him to leave?

Ottervision · 21/06/2024 11:42

sunspree · 21/06/2024 11:31

I think it depends how well you get on with your parents.
My son acts like an entitled brat in his mid 20s shows no respect, is a misogynist, rude, doesn't do anything asked of him or anything around the house and leaves a mess every time he's in, he's lippy, moody and resents living here and we resent he's still here. He's is a royal pain in the bum.

I can't wait for him to move out and the only thing that makes it bearable is that he's out at work all day, I think I'd have break down if he announced he would be home all day and going to be taking over my office.
By the time I was his age he was 9 I was married and had a left my parents house over 10 years, many parents had children in the late 90s expecting them to be long gone by now but instead they are they stuck with these grown men/woman who seem to think they can call all the shots and make all the boundaries while mum and dad to the line.
No wonder this generation aren't having children they don't fancy what's in store.

I was born in the 90s and moved out when I was 19! Let's not make sweeping generalisations based on your own child.

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