Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really upset with my 5 year old

84 replies

Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 18:43

I know he's only 5, but honestly I could cry this evening. In fact I have and I feel so pathetic.

DS has been hassling me for weeks about putting him in this sports club. He did a trial a few weeks ago and loved it, so really wanted to go back. I was reluctant, because I didn't want to spend more money and it's a right pain to get to after school, particularly when working full time. But, he loved it, so after checking constantly over the past 2 weeks, I booked him on it. I've paid for the rest of the month (along with an extra £20 for some t-shirt...), and he left today going "actually, I don't want to go anymore. I've changed my mind." This is after I've paid. Fuming.

Anyways, that isn't what's really upset me. Apparently the reason he doesn't want to go is because at the end, they do a fun "race to your parent for a hug". He didn't want to hug me. I then asked "well if Daddy took you would you want to go", and he said "I like hugging daddy he's my best friend." He couldn't explain why he didn't want to hug me. He wasn't emotional about it, actually quite cold!

I have a great relationship with my DS, at least I thought he did, but he never wants to hug me anymore or give me a kiss or show me any sort of affection. Yesterday he told me Daddy is awesome and so much fun and I'm boring.

What's also really infuriating is when I asked "why don't you want to hug me?" and "are there other reasons you don't want to go back"... he just said "erm, ermmmm, erm, I don't know", followed by "I forgot." He always says this when I try and get him to explain how he feels. I know he's only, 5 but I want to understand what he's feeling and he can never tell me. Is this normal?

I think I'm particularly emotional about this because I try so hard. We have an 8 month old baby, I work full time but really long days just to make sure I can take him to the activities he wants to go to, and be there with him to play after school and sort dinner etc. I'm exhausted just trying to fit it all in. I know this sounds so stupid but, I just want my son to enjoy spending time with me. Or at the very least, be able to say more than "I don't know" when I ask him about his feelings 🥺

OP posts:
IAlwaysTellTheTruthEvenWhenILie · 20/06/2024 19:59

Ah op I was really feeling for you and then read about your little baby, it's definitely the baby. I went through a phase of this with my son. He was younger than yours but we had some distance for a while and it really upset me (he was 2.5 when his brother came along and suddenly his dad was doing so much more with him). He absolutely adored and still adores his brother but I could feel distance with us. I just kept reiterating I loved him, tried to spend that one on one time with him, when he said things like I want daddy ( which had never happened before), I just said ok darling, I'll get daddy, I love you. Even though I felt so sad inside. I'd make baby "wait" so I could attend to ds1, I just kept persevering.
Little brother is 17 months old now and my bond with my first is back to how it was! He's a mummy's boy again :) hang in there ,op. It takes them a while to adjust and as baby gets older, it'll change again.

MalarkeyBollocks · 20/06/2024 19:49

I had a close, snuggly and giggly relationship with my DS, but he definitely migrated more to my DH when his little sister arrived. I felt incredibly sad that I’d lost the bond we had, but they honestly do come back to you. I now have the most fabulous and close relationship with him … even though he’s a teenager! I remember reading at the time that it’s quite usual for boys to favour male role models at that age. But it’ll change. Hang in there!

whereistheplot · 20/06/2024 19:48

My 4yo went through the exact same thing when my now 15 month old was around 8 months old, apparently it's quite common at the 8 month mark because that's when it hits most children that the new baby is actually a permanent fixture after all. Don't stress about it too much op, shower him with love as much as you possibly can, he'll come out the other side soon

jennywren08 · 20/06/2024 19:43

Op we had a new baby recently and my nearly 4 yo told me she loves her key worker at nursery more than me the other day 🤣 you are not alone! They don't mean it

LakesideInn · 20/06/2024 19:42

Agree it will be about the baby no matter how much he loves his sibling. And that he should continue with the club.

But could you offer a high five or fist bump instead of a hug?

ThisNaiceLemonSloth · 20/06/2024 19:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Original poster
Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:36

Goldbar · 20/06/2024 19:21

You're overthinking this. Take a few smarties with you for him afterwards and tell him they're for your special boy, because he's doing so well at the club and he gives the best hugs, even if he doesn't want to hug you just at that moment.

Someone told me that when they love us less, we have to love them more. Corny imo, but there's some truth in it.

That's actually really sweet. And I like the smarties idea. Thanks @Goldbar 🙂

OP posts:
Lammveg · 20/06/2024 19:35

I agree with PP he still needs to go to the activity as you've signed him up now but he doesn't need to hug you at the end.

Really hard OP, even when you understand that they're only 5 and are adjusting to a newish baby.

Tell me why these kids know how to break you down with one sentence lol

mathanxiety · 20/06/2024 19:27

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/06/2024 18:55

Surely just tell him he doesn't have to hug you at the end? I get it's upsetting but you can't put that onto him. He's too young to understand or articulate why he feels that way so you just need to take the pressure off. It's just a phase.

Yes to this.

coxesorangepippin · 20/06/2024 19:26

He's 5.

He doesn't have the capacity to explain why.

Give him a break. It's not about you, it's about him

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/06/2024 19:26

I would tell him he doesn't have to hug you but he does have to attend the class he bugged you to sign him up for, until the end of term.

TheTartfulLodger · 20/06/2024 19:25

I agree this is almost certainly about the change in dynamics with the baby. I also think you need to tell him he has to continue going for the time you've paid for. You don't want to set up a habit of him always wanting to start these things then dropping out as soon as you pay.

Goldbar · 20/06/2024 19:21

You're overthinking this. Take a few smarties with you for him afterwards and tell him they're for your special boy, because he's doing so well at the club and he gives the best hugs, even if he doesn't want to hug you just at that moment.

Someone told me that when they love us less, we have to love them more. Corny imo, but there's some truth in it.

Merrow · 20/06/2024 19:14

Urgh, five year olds. So adept at finding the phrasing that really gets to the heart of your own worries. It sounds completely normal based on DS1, but I find it incredibly tough, so solidarity.

Original poster
Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:09

@meltedchocolateandstrawberries yeah his dad is spending a lot more time with him and doing his bedtime more often, which I think is also why I'm reacting this way. I feel like I'm losing him, because so much of my time is being spent with the baby.

I didn't really think the baby was the reason because he absolutely adores him and I've tried really hard to keep a normal routine going for him, so he's never seemed at all jealous or upset. But maybe?!

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 20/06/2024 19:06

He’s 5. He’s very unlikely to be able to casually tell you how he’s feeling - a lot of adults couldn’t do that!

The crux of your post was sort of dropped in like an afterthought - you’ve got an 8 month old. They changed his life. I’m sure he’ll love them completely and they’ll be the best of friends soon enough but right now, it’s absolutely normal that he’s a bit on edge and jealous, and that he’s finding it strange to “share” you.

The club… if he doesn’t want to go and it’s inconvenient for you to take him, I’d probably write it off.

damebarbaracartlandsbiggestfan · 20/06/2024 19:05

Sympathies, my daughter gave up on Brownies a day after I'd bought the full get up... 🙄

My son used to tell me quite often he 'loved daddy a bit more than mummy now' when he was around that age, I think it's probably pretty normal. From 7 I started winning again😆

Comedycook · 20/06/2024 19:05

Tell him you've paid now so he has to go for the time you have paid for. Afterwards he can stop if he wants. He'll probably end up loving it.

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/06/2024 19:04

@Dumbleydork sounds like you've done and said all the right things then. I'm sure it's just because of the baby and it'll pass. Does his dad spend more time with him than you because you're busy with the baby? It's just natural that this will happen. He'll adjust to the new normal soon I'm sure :)

Original poster
Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Oh I really wasn't trying to do that. I was trying to keep it really casual when I asked, with zero emotion in it (I've saved all that for here!), but I think I got that wrong then. I'm just still holding on to when he showered with me with affection and struggling a bit to accept he doesn't do that now

OP posts:
CheeseyOnionPie · 20/06/2024 19:03

He sounds totally normal. He’s probably on some level feeling a degree of irrational resentment at you probably having spent so much time with the new baby lately. All super normal, he loves you.

Notreat · 20/06/2024 19:02

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/06/2024 18:55

Surely just tell him he doesn't have to hug you at the end? I get it's upsetting but you can't put that onto him. He's too young to understand or articulate why he feels that way so you just need to take the pressure off. It's just a phase.

A child should never be told he has to hug someone.
Also it's not unusual for young children to say I don't know when asked.why they don't like something. It's hard to explain feelings at that age. I think you are expecting too much from him and taking what he is saying much too personally.

Original poster
Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:02

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/06/2024 18:55

Surely just tell him he doesn't have to hug you at the end? I get it's upsetting but you can't put that onto him. He's too young to understand or articulate why he feels that way so you just need to take the pressure off. It's just a phase.

Oh I did don't worry, I didn't act the same emotional mess with him that I am here! I reassured him he didn't have to hug me, and I've always said to him he never has to hug people if he doesn't want to (applies to family members when we see them). I just never thought it would apply to me! I did then ask "why don't you want to hug me?", but in a really casual way... but perhaps that wasn't the right thing to do! I just thought maybe there was a feeling he wanted to express and I was trying to give him an opportunity to. I don't know, but I definitely didn't put any pressure on.

OP posts:
jellyfish2210 · 20/06/2024 19:01

My 5 year old DD changes her mind constantly about her clubs. We ended up taking her every week because we have paid for it and she loved it, trying to teach her that when you make a commitment, you follow it though. And she ends up loving it and doesn't stop talking about it. But for a long time we went through the same thing, she would say she didn't want to go but when we got there she was happy to go in and loved it.

As for not hugging, dd constantly tells me she misses daddy and wants daddy more than me. One day she even said "I don't even really like you" but then when she is with DH she gets fed up and says she wants mummy. Kids a fickle. Try not to let it bother you.

IWantToBeASleepingCat · 20/06/2024 19:00

They should not say to anyone .. race to your parents for an hug.
You should never make a child hug anyone..
A child should be asked.
Not all children like hugging.
But I'm sure this is a phase.. kids swap and change like the weather.