To feel really upset with my 5 year old

I think 5 is old enough that maybe he might just have felt a bit self conscious/ put on the spot by the whole running for a hug thing and was covering up his embarrassment? I don’t know but it sounds like fairly typical five yo behaviour to me, they can really push your buttons sometimes.

I'm not Notreat, but I have a view on this too. It's about body autonomy, personal space, and safeguarding. Children should not be physically touched when they don't want to be. It is dangerous to teach children that if an adult tells them to touch them they must do it. I think a lot of us remember as children kissing relatives and hating it but having no choice because we were raised to obey adults. And some of us had worse things happen because of this same reason.

Ask yourself if your DCs want to touch, or be touched, by their grandmother, or are they only doing it because it is expected of them? And how would they react if another adult asked for a hug?

@Dumbleydork if it helps, when she was around that age DD told me she knows magic isn't real when we were doing a silly wish on a dandelion/eyelash thing. I asked what made her say that. She promptly replied with "Because I wished another time for a better mummy and it hasn't come true. So magic isn't real.". My heart fucking broke ,but I kept it breezy and smiley while asking a few more questions so she didn't feel put on the spot. I also told her I'm sorry she feels that way , since she is the best daughter anyone could wish for and we'll see what we can do about it. She wasn't totally wrong tbh as what she disliked was how stressed and rushed I was all the time .

She's 13 now and cringes every time i tell her that story as apparently I'm the best mum ever. I even have a mug that says that.

Its a weird age and the baby prob has something to do with it. We are a 1 child family and DD always talked about wanting a sibling... 5 years old and she kept seeking reassurance we wouldn't be having a second. Kids are fickle, hang in there.

Awwwww I’m sure he loves you loads! It’s a phase, I’d feel the same as you but just ignore for now. For what it’s worth our ds, 22, gave very ‘lukewarm’ hugs for more than 10 years (never made him) and now he’s graduated from University gives me hugs that take my breath away (literally!)

Just asking why he didn’t want to hug you is a loaded question with pressure in it. Don’t make him responsible for your emotional wellbeing. He obviously feels secure enough to verbalise how he’s feeling towards you. Try not to take it personally.

Because it is putting pressure on a child to show physical intimacy when they may not want to do that. Children should never be made to feel responsible for the feelings of an adult. By respecting your child’s boundaries and not placing such expectations on them, they will grow up better equipped not to accept abuse in relationships or anywhere else.

Tell him he can race to ' high five ' you at the end. Doesn't have to be a hug

I’m sorry you’re upset OP, of course he loves you and will want to hug you again one day soon. I gave a 3 yr old snd s 7 month old DS3 seems to have really taken to DS7mth but he still really acts out sometimes and can even be aggressive towards him. Emotions aren’t easy for them and he may well be struggling with the transition to life as a family if 4.

It’ll get better, you’re doing a great job.

You told your 5 year old that you would invoice her? Really? At this age it’s normal for them to suddenly decide they don’t like ballet. It’s not your daughter’s fault that you had paid for a full term.

Keep going with love. It all sorts itself out, honestly x

Hi @Notreat I'm just wondering, sorry if this is a daft question, but what is the reasoning behind that suggestion? That a child should never be told to hug? I've never thought about that question properly before you said that, and have suddenly realised that my MIL asks both my DCs to give her a hug all the time! I've never given that a moments thought before. They oblige, but should I say something?
I think she would be angry and hurt if I asked her not to say that, so it might cause an argument if I do. So much so that even if I don't mention this, I'd like to understand the psychology behind why asking for a hug is bad. Genuine question, no tone or cheekiness behind this, I promise. I just want to know, thanks!

At this age, he won’t understand things from an adult perspective and it’s therefore unreasonable of you to expect him to appreciate things like money you already spent etc.

Why are you taking this personally? You cannot make your child responsible for how you feel - he didn’t ask to be born and it’s your job to nurture him, not the other way around. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you must try your hardest not to give him emotional baggage which stunts his development and causes him problems later on.

Change things up re your routine with baby in the evening. If your partner is home then get him to take over so you can do your bedtime routine with your son. Cuddle up in bed and read to him. If you work full time then maybe do this 3 or 4 times a week. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's often just a phase. My 2 year old dd often tells me she loves daddy best , I don't take it to heart. Anytime she's ill or wakes up in the night it's mummy she wants then (mores the pity).

I don’t allow mine to just give up clubs I’ve paid for. I tell them well I’ve paid now so you have to go until the money runs out.
Usually by then they actually realise they do enjoy it and want to continue.

The hugging thing is normal. Probably because of the baby or because he doesn’t see daddy as often as he sees you so he’s more on a pedestal. He’ll change

Would "race to your parent for a hug" mean running to you and the baby? His behaviour does sound quite typical for a young child trying to adjust to the changes a new sibling brings to his life. He just doesn't understand that it is necessary, and not just a choice, to spend less time with him.

While you shouldn’t tell them off for things like that, I very much dislike the ‘don’t put your emotional baggage on your kids’ line.

Actually, sometimes they should learn that their words can hurt and begin to think about what words may hurt others.

Anyway, this is very normal, OP. My 6yr old twins much prefer daddy to me! It does sting when you’re sacrificing so much.

Oh, and absolutely insist he is doing the sports club for the period you paid for. They have to learn to take responsibility for this too. Your effort and your money aren’t to his whims.

My five year old regularly tells me I'm the worst mummy in the world, that she hates me, but then she says it to her dad too. I know she doesn't mean it and I don't take it personally, she's just acting out how she's feeling at the time. It will be a phase and yes linked to the baby.

for what it's worth, I have a 5yo and no baby to divert attention from her, and she still thinks the sun shines out of her dad's arse.
It is hard to cope with when they favour one parent over another, especially when you are working so hard for them, but I try to console myself that my daughter feels totally secure in my constancy - if I am a boring, reliable presence for her then I'm probably getting something right, as demoralising as it feels in the moment. I'm certain that you are too. The wheel will turn and there will be a time at some point when your son thinks that you're the bees knees and his dad will be the one left out in the cold. So it goes.

Also, re paying for clubs I FEEL YOU. Daughter decided she didn't want to do ballet any more (previously loved it) after I shelled out for a full term. She relented and has been going in happily for most of the term but recently remembered she doesn't want to go so I've told her that I'll be invoicing her for the remaining 5 lessons if she refuses to attend. Not really seriously but she quite likes money and what it can buy, and is shocked that the £30+ she is proposing to waste could have bought her quite a lot of other things she likes.

Tell him to run and shake your hand, no need to hug if he doesn't want to, kids get funny about these things.

If this was my ds he would definitely be going to that club if I'd paid for it! If at the end of the course he didn't want to go back then fair enough but he'd be going to the classes I'd paid for.

5yos are fickle, I wouldn't worry about the cuddle comment.

Just tell him he has to go to the club because you’ve paid for it now. And that he never has to hug anyone he doesn’t want to. And that you’ll love him just as much whether he wants to hug you or not.

And yes I agree it’s the baby… your ds will get used to it x

@ThisNaiceLemonSloth what?

@Dumbleydork hope you have ignored this ridiculous comment. Obviously you are not putting emotional baggage on your child by asking him why he doesn’t want to hug you. It is good for him to be encouraged to talk about his feelings.