To feel really upset with my 5 year old

You've just brought back a memory of me doing this kind of thing to my own poor mum as a child. I'm trying to now articulate as an adult why I was doing it.

I knew my mum loved me but I craved my dads attention and always felt like he preferred my brothers. My mum was always there and did everything for us. My dad wasn't exactly NOT there - he just worked full time.

I think part of me thought that by saying mean things about my mum and saying nice things about my dad, my dad and I would become better "friends" and he would do more things with me and be around more. (again he wasn't an absent father by any means but I didn't feel quite as sure if his unconditional love).

I remember being about 6 and I was an awful sleeper. I used to want my mum to lie there while I fell asleep. When she tried to leave I'd cry (sobbing my heart out) and call for her every night which (rightly or wrongly) she responded to and she'd lie next to me while I fell asleep each night.

I remember one night telling her I didn't want her and I just wanted Daddy. I then hear him coming up the stairs and I look at my bedroom door, eyes wide, grin on my face, so happy my dad is about to do the delightful nighttime routine of lying there for hours. Of course instead he was just angry I wasn't behaving and going to sleep and instantly had no patience for me. He'd basically just come up to tell me off.

I was genuinely surprised by this. It hadn't actually occurred to me yet that my mum might not enjoy lying next to me for hours while I went to sleep. It hadn't occurred to me that she'd rather be doing something else. I was so sure of her and how much she loved me that I had somehow assumed she enjoyed it too. That she enjoyed everything with me. It hadn't even really occurred to me that she'd be sad when I was mean to her.

That's not intended to be a sob story. Of course I should have been able to go to sleep on my own at that age and of course its fine that it was expected of me. I know the majority would think my mum was being too soft with me and perhaps she was.

But at that age I was suddenly really becoming aware of and testing out what my parents love for me meant and how it differed to other relationships like friendships at school. I was only just realising that when they played with me with my toys it was for my benefit and that adults didn't enjoy toys like kids did.

Back to being mean, there was also a sense of wanting to experiment with my mums love. She was always there so unconditionally and I sort of wanted to see, in a curious way, what would happen if I was mean and whether she would still be my "friend".

Obviously I'm trying to put adult words to child feelings that I'm remembering through the filter of many years later.

I am incredibly close to my mum as an adult. I'm constantly telling her how wonderful she is. I see her all the time and I terribly dread having to live without her one day. She is absolutely the most positive influence in my life.

Not saying that it's anything to do with your DH or even the same reasoning as I had. Just saying that it could be lots of things and kid logic often doesn't make sense! I'd bank on the reason he's comfortable doing this is because he knows how unconditionally you love him.

Sorry you're getting a hammering here. I think it's fine to feel sad privately. Yes maybe ideally you'd have said this instead of that or whatever but you're human! All parents make mistakes. It sounds like you've dealt with it well and been kind.

@Dumbleydork

Oh parenting is bloody hard isn't it. I'd not make a big deal about him saying he doesn't want to go, don't mention it and then next week just take him again. They have short memories at that age and will forget if you dont remind them.

OP, don't take it personally. It'll be because of the baby.
When DD2 came along, DD1 suddenly when cold on me and only wanted her dad. She was horrific to me and constantly hitting, kicking and screaming at me and would tell me that she doesn't love me, only daddy.

I found it hard to be around her and felt so rejected and upset but understood that she had big emotions about having a new sibling and didn't have the maturity to handle those emotions.

It took about 18 months to go back to normal and now we're 5 years on and she's an angel again.

Hang in there xx

I was going to say this too. Don't take it personally. He now has to share you and isn't sure about it. He'll come around and as baby gets older you'll be able to spend more time with him 121

@Dumbleydork you sound like a good mum and I didn't mean to come across as harsh as I said. Those of us who respond a bit emotively are probably reacting to our own childhoods.

I think that your son gravitates more towards his dad atm because your dh works away. Things will change in time.

None of us are perfect it's true.

He's 5.
You don't give him the option of wether he wants to continue. You tell him you've paid for it now so he will be going until the term you've paid for is done at least
You also don't pit emotional pressure on him to hug you or ask him about how he feels about you. It's confusing for a child. They sometimes favour one parent over the other at points in early childhood and that's natural. It's not something you need to feel bad about or try to sort out. He doesn't have the insight at his age to understand why he feels that way. Trying to discuss it will only frighten and confuse him. Just don't react to it. If he doesn't want to hug you just say that's fine and move on. You are creating an issue.
He's your eldest so I guess you wouldn't have experience of this at this age before. Anyone who has had multiple children will tell you it's really common. You don't need to worry. Just don't make a big deal out of it. He takes his lead from you.. so if you emotionally react he will start getting stressed. This is maybe why he says daddy is 'fun' it's maybe that he feels less pressure and guilt regarding hugging daddy.
I think you've fallen into treating your son like he's older than he is.

He is five, and at that age they can be a bit brutal with their comments.

Glad you him excited about the high five. I have a sixteen year old and have had a few years of high fives to eye rolls back to amazing hugs 🤗.

He just caught you in a low moment. Now you didn't ask but do try and take a tiny amount of me time. You can't pour from an empty cup. It really helps us keep all the balls juggling.💐

Just tell him he can race to high five you instead of hugging if he likes.

I'd try not to worry about the hugging thing. He's probably struggling with his feelings about the baby. Give it time.

That is good that you are prioritising that time just you and him (so many mothers don't and just expect their kid to be fine with being palmed off while they deal with the baby). Good for you for not taking that approach! He sounds very normal and he will come round. He has had huge changes in a year. New sibling, starting school.
TBF not sure I like this activity of running to hug a parent. It sounds a bit like teaching a puppy recall.

OP I feel for you.

two kids, working full time, harassed - I am
the same (kids are 6 and 10 though).

the juggle is endless, the kids can be ungrateful and hurtful at times without realising it. Your feelings are your feelings and children know how to push your buttons!

sending a big hug

You are allowed to get things wrong sometimes - all parents do. We all reconsider something we have done and wish we could have done better - it goes with the territory!

I am so pleased you have found a middle way that he is happy with and that he will keep on going - well done.

Poor little boy. You are projecting your insecurity and guilt onto him. No way should he have to explain who he gives hugs to. At 5, children do this, or don't instinctively.
You may think he 'adores' his new sibling but his world has been turned upside down. Do you do anything 1 on 1 with him without the baby there? If you don't now is time to start.

It's more than likely a phase op. Dad's are usually seen as more fun and their dcs "buddy". Mum makes you eat healthy, take baths, go to bed on time, etc. I wouldn't worry so much about it. I have a 6 month dd and 5 year old ds as well. Its tough. I always ask first if I'd like a hug or kiss from ds, if he refuses "Well that's ok! Maybe later you'll feel like a cuddle." It's more important to me to teach him he's allowed to say no to people about invading his private space than me getting a hug. No worries op he'll grow out of it.

A normal little boy. Do not comment if he says he does not want to hug you - just laugh and say "Well, I'll have to have a hug with Dad then!"

As to the activity - children often want to do something then go off it (applies to music lessons a lot!). They do not grasp the financial aspect or the concept of commitment at that age,

Treat it casually - don't make a big deal of any of it. He is dealing with the world as a 5 year old does.

He could be a little jealous that you're giving the baby a lot of attention or it could just be a phase.
I remember when I was about 5, telling my mum I loved my dad more than her and that he was really funny and nice. It was definitely a phase and I've always been really close to my mum. I couldn't love her anymore than I do.

This place is wild.
No, I clearly didn't invoice my 5yo. I literally said not seriously. Where is she going to acquire money from???

But I discussed it with her before paying and she said yes she wanted to do another term of ballet, and that she knew she couldn't bail once I'd paid. She is a total mercenary and really likes having some coins to spend in charity shops, car boot sales etc so yes, money is meaningful to her. My point was that 5yos change their minds like the breeze - OP's kid doesn't want to go to sports club BC he didn't feel like hugging his mum; mine doesn't like to go to ballet because the teacher has banned sweets beforehand since it makes the kids crazy. They are old enough to be introduced to the concept of sticking it out.

I dont even think it's due to new baby, kids are so flippant, my 5 year old daughter has said twice today she wants to go and live with her dad (who she normally cries about going to sleepover with) because I've told her no to something. I remember all of mine doing similar at this age. It's just something they say in the moment and don't mean when they can't explain their feeling so try not to take it personally!

He's only 5. When he says "I forgot" he basically means "I don't have the vocabulary to express it or the ability to analyse my own feelings".

Do the high five thing. Everything will work out in time.

And 5 year olds don't really understand money either, so the fact that you've paid a month in advance will be a bit much to grasp.