Living donor dilemma

The OP should tell the coordinator because it's potentially unlawful behaviour that puts her children's lives at risk.

So no I don't think it's out of the OPs control or remit.

The adult children are now in a position where donation should not even be considered by ethical coordinators.

Right.

It was a very odd choice of post to tack yours onto then, given my contributions throughout the thread. There was nothing whatsoever in my post about offers of money being ok, so that was invention on your part.

The poster I replied to was focusing on the not telling the DC part, and clearly hadn't seen that the DC now know anyway. Which is what I was talking about. The time to argue over whether OP ought to make the decision for them has been and gone.

Yes I damn well did.

The adult children are now no longer able to make a free decision to donate.

It is irrelevant what they may respond.

The fact money have been brought into the equation means that the transplant coordinator can not authorise the adult children being donors because they can not rule out undue pressure.

I'm not sure if this is the case. When I was looking on the nhs site they said apart from a slight higher risk of high blood pressure and preeclampsia in pregnancy it's ok to donate a kidney.

Did you mean to quote me there? Looks like it may have been aimed at the poster I replied to.

Which part of undue pressure and the offer of money do you think is ok?

The adult childrens' thoughts become secondary to the offer of money because the transplant coordinators can no longer be sure that they are making up their own minds.

If the OP knows money has been offered then really she should be reporting it as it is a) a legal matter b) she's otherwise potentially complicit in unethical practice.

They don't usually let women of childbearing age donate. Which may be why you weren't considered.

This puts out you and any female children. You haven't indicated your DCs assigned genders but I would say that they are far too young to make a life-altering decision like that for themselves anyway. Especially if there's been an attempt at bribery! I'd use your medical history or similar and say that you've been told it's not worth them submitting to testing. Allude to them not not being suitable for consideration. Mention you contacted them and were told for medical reasons you were not suitable. Just allude that "you" means all of you, not just you in the singular!

Really? You wouldn’t want to give your 18-year-old, or even offspring a couple of years older, your opinion on something as serious and potentially life-changing for them as that? How odd.

It's very relevant to what you said, because the issue of the DC making up their own minds only applied when OP was in control of whether they knew or not. She isn't now. They already do, and so that part is settled. They're now the ones deciding. You evidently didn't read the update, as I said.

The DGP shouldn’t have brought money into it, clearly they are desperate (not an excuse) but not relevant to what I said.

The DC are adults and should be free to make up their own minds, free from influence of OP. No point addressing the DGP as they are not posting.

Think you've missed OPs update. Grandparents have contacted OPs DC directly and offered to buy their kidneys.

As your DC are adults they should be free to make up their own minds.

I would want to help if I was a match as this is life saving or life changing at the very least, but you are not me, but don’t block DC from doing so.

Would you do it to save their life? Or to stop them having to spend several days a week in hospital having invasive treatment (edited to say every week for the rest of their life)? If not, be honest and say no as soon as possible.

And, yes, buying organs is illegal in this country. We are at least that civilised.

@newyorksnow i suspect that there are a few bad actors on this thread. You are not hard- hearted. I’m not an advocate of cutting people off, but your parents don’t deserve your compassion.

There’s obviously a long back story and I’m sorry for what I imagine is a lifetime of these sorts of dynamics. I hope you can find peace with your thoroughly moral decision.

Your parents (and presumably your sister) are utterly awful. That bribe to your DC would surely be evidence of coercion which should automatically rule out any further steps towards donation.

Some of the emotional blackmail on this thread is also disturbing.

And makes me even more adamant that we should absolutely oppose assisted dying and baby surrogacy.

Similar situation re family dynamics. When family are vile they also make the choice of not being able to ask for help. I tried so much over the years to resolve the issues with my siblings. Often joking ...what if any of us need a kidney?. Never resolved. Mum died earlier this year and that's the end of it. Currently ill and have realised how fabulous and kind my friends have been supporting me through it. They are my family. My blood family have no call on me including my kidneys. Choices and behaviour have consequences. Say no. X

Tbh I would talk to the transplant coordinator about their offering bribes. It’s better it’s tackled at this stage than it come out later.

Your parents are responsible for their own actions, that isn’t on you.

I’m guessing your sister is very much like your parents? Just a guess, but I’m getting that impression. Personally I would be blowing up hard at the lot of them, but that’s my personality type, yours may be different and you’d just prefer to keep the lot of them at arms length and stay out of it as much as you can.

I don’t know if they’ve instilled in you a fear of conflict with them, but if that’s the case I would examine that. Why should you be mindful of their feelings when they have no regard for yours or your family’s? They have no power over you that you don’t give them, just the illusion of it.

Exactly. It would just be wasting the time and resources of the transplant team. The only reason people might want someone to "take the first steps" would be because they hoped that if that person proved to be a suitable match they would feel obliged to go through with the transplant.

What’s the point of testing if you’ve already decided you will not be donating and plan to back out anyway?

And she is entitled not to want to donate especially given the relationship she has with her sibling.

I understand completely. I would want to be able to donate but I wouldn't. I have care of a disabled child who needs me here. Donating involves all the risks of surgery and anesthesia, the risks of only having one kidney to rely on myself. That's not the kind of donation I would make outside my immediate family for the sake of my own children who need me to be alive and healthy for them.

Having a family member that has received a transplant, this would have been my first thought. Why on earth wouldn't someone donate, if they could?

A post on here changed my mind. Someone said what if they donated to a random because they were a match from a register, but in the future their child needed that kidney?

I'll be keeping my spare parts in case my actual family ever need them.

Once I'm gone, my organs are fairly game.

Your parents are VILE.

I just wanted to add another vote that you tell the donation team about your parent's offer. This will protect your kids.

Your sister absolutely can offer her own kidney and get her daughter bumped up the list. Or one of your parents. If I were in your position I'd probably make the suggestion to my parents regardless of the fallout. They would put your children at risk to save their own skin.

You are absolutely 100% ok to not offer your kidney to anyone - not even your husband or child if they needed it. It's your body. And as many have said, it's a huge deal and some people are never the same again.

So you will allow your parents to try and monetarily coerce someone, like your children, to sell an organ. Nice. 🙄
You won't call them out on their manipulation and will, again, let them get away with it.
smdh

How awful, I'm so sorry OP.

I'd have to tell the transplant coordinator about the bribe offer, to protect my kids by ensuring they're blocked from donating in this case. Mine are also in the 18-20 bracket and while in theory I'd love to say I support and trust their decisions about their own bodies etc etc.... nope, I just couldn't take the risk. Who knows how high that bribe will go, I'd want to make sure they're ruled out at the source so there's absolutely no chance of swaying their decision.