How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

I had therapy about my childhood when I was pregnant and my therapist says it’s very very common for people to feel the need to draw a line in abusive relationships with family when they become parents due to the protective instincts.

I also realised that I’d always had a little bit of “maybe I’ll understand them more when I’m a parent and I know what that feels like” in me, and then when I was pregnant I understood them even less than ever!

Interesting quote, and totally my mum!

@sashh - made things up - awful things, cruel, hurtful, downright nasty
after years of no contact, me with my own dc in their teens, she died, we
attended the funeral, their (very weird) ndn said, Its very brave of you to
show your face and with those children

Some people are just wicked and it isn’t our fault. Sadly for many of us
they were our mothers.

I didn’t feel anything when she died

I’m sorry for all of us who have suffered because of our ‘mothers’ and with
fathers who do not protect, you know, the ones who ‘don‘t remember’

Good luck with the baby OP, rest and tranquil music for you, hoping
you will return with a happy baby update.

Thanks to the late Queen there is the perfect response to liars, Recollections differ! Call her a liar without calling her a liar.

Yalta, @Yalta I could have written most of that. I think I have adhd and I think my mother has asperger syndrome, I was sociable or I had social needs, I was bilingual, I cared about people and cared what they thought so I did wonder if I was on the spectrum occasionally but decided that I was too friendly and had too much empathy. But of course, I am either up all night tidying or I leave the mess for months, I am impulsive, I overshare I'm sensitive, I can't be a jack of most trades, no, I'm a disaster at most things and exceptional at things that don't serve me 8n the job market. I never forget faces or names or where I met somebody. If I'm watching a show I'm the one who recognises the actor from another show ten years ago. If I see a word written down, I never forget, but now we have auto correct so big deal.
My mother just doesn't like me. I'm too sensitive, too connected to what I feel, too flawed. She wanted a robot gor a daughter.

Interestingly, imo, even though she hates the emotion of a my visible reaction to her labelling me, excluding me or manipulating me, she doesn't see her own disapproving cold shoulder as an "emotion".

Her pain proves I'm the villain and she's the victim.
My pain proves I'm crazy and I need help.

I went NC with my mother many many years ago.

The relief at not having her in my life made me so happy and so much lighter.
I wasn’t carrying the weight of her expectations to be someone I am not around with me

Looking back I think my first primary school teacher spotted something in me.
I could read, write and do maths before I went to school. I also had some understanding of a couple of languages (multi lingual household) However I had a few things that probably looked like ADHD/Autism
My mother I know was called into school to discuss some of my traits. (Not sitting down in class, walking home a couple of times, always distracted and day dreaming etc)
I struggled through my childhood and adulthood before my own dd gave me the list of symptoms that indicated ADHD.

I wonder if I had a mother who actually knew me, and didn’t have a set view of me, how different my life would have been if I had gotten the help and meds i needed. Also what her own life would have been like as without a doubt she has ADHD, along with all of my family
And for that one thing I can’t speak to her again. Even going no contact, she ruined my life for decades.

My mother was like this - self-centered and 'didn't do emotions'. Then the self-centredness, inappropriateness and mood swings got worst for about 10-15 years post-menopause and now she has full-on dementia. Seems like a pathway for lots of these narcissistic types. She may genuinely not remember the things you're telling her OP.

But her lying is not in the past, it is very much in the present.

I think you need to tell your dad to stop lying to himself and look around and listen to what is going on because at this rate you won’t be in contact with her or him if he continues to rewrite history.

These people don't have an emotional or empathetic bone in their body @allatseawiththis.

When I was splitting with EXDP, found I was pregnant with my (much wanted) third DC and then had a miscarriage, my relative actually said "Good job that baby didn't make it, probably for the best given your relationship has failed."

And then wondered why I went even lower contact than I already was!

This could be my mother, except mine has been dead a while.

I was scared of her and the unpredictable tantrums.

I just stopped telling her anything. She made things up so I left it to her.

I had the one about not telling her when I moved house, even though my dad and her helped me move.

Agree with this.
You are an adult about to become a mother.
Your sister will carve her own path.
You cannot allow her to dictate what yours is. You can tell her you love her but your new family is coming first.
Disordered women like your mother will undoubtedly want/demand her right to be in the middle of your life so she can be "granny". She will lie about you, how you are coping, all to suit her narrative.
You and how her drama sours your life, will mean nothing to her.
You and your mental health could be fragile after the baby, stress is a huge contributor to PND. You 100% need to mind and protect yourself after the baby is born.
Best way to do that is pull away now and enforce huge boundaries.
Forget about your father, just another enabler who put the easy life ahead of his children.
You don't have to get on with her, or forget anything she has done. Once more he wants an easy life.

Jesus Christ. Do NOT let this woman anywhere near your kids.

Sometimes it's not a lie - they remember things differently. My mum has always believed that one of my brothers is much more intelligent than me and my other sibling. She often mentions that he's some sort of genius and that me and my other sibling are of average intelligence. It's so weird as I think we're all equally clever!
But there's no reasoning with her. No matter what I say, she believes what she believes.
Let it wash over you. She night remember a couple of things from your time at school that you don't remember and be fixated on them.

Your sister isn’t quite on the same page as you yet but at least she gets it & you too were trying to follow the path of keeping the peace until recently. It’s the easiest path to follow in the short term but you have realised it’s not good for your mental health longer term.

Your sister may reach agreement with you eventually but she’s not there yet. Try not to judge her having a different approach and maintain a good relationship with her. But be honest that you personally can no longer accept being lied about by your mum just to keep the peace.

I agree with others that your mother has some kind of personality disorder which your father is choosing to ignore & has done for many years. It’s a tactic he may have developed for self preservation reasons but hardly fair to his children.

Have you talked to your sibling about this? It may help your mental health to openly discuss it with them and hopefully get them to acknowledge the truth of it too.

Time to go low contact. And correct every untruth she makes but in a way that is as emotionless as possible. She probably thrives off drama which is sad for her but you don’t have to engage with it.

She's personally disordered OP. My mother is the same. Go LC/NC.

I'd go very LC or NC... if LC.. just send information in texts/letters/cards... no in person, no phone chats.

My mum was like this and I really wish I'd just gone NC when I realised what a lying and manipulative cow she was... in the end I stuck it until she died (of alcohol related seizure... but of course she was teetotal you know, fell over a cat (it wasn't the first time and she'd been told another would kill her!)...).

The relief I felt when she was gone, no longer re-writing history, changing goalposts, playing the fucking martyr, toying with me like a cat tortures a mouse... wow!

Your Dad is every bit as bad, he's plumped for 'live the easy-life and fuck anyone else' there. I bet he NEVER remembers or notices or backs you up. There will always be some sort of reason why he can't do so, or why you should let it go, ignore it, etc etc.

The greatest gift you can give your child now... is not to have contact with people like this.

I have a "relative" like this; they do it for the drama and excitement it brings them.

Drop the rope OP.

As an adult, I no longer rise to it, and have mastered poker face or answering "that's nice" anytime relative says anything outlandish or pretends not to know what they actually have actually been told. It works a treat.

Also, tell the relative's flying monkeys that you don't want to know. Perhaps if they stopped this behaviour you'd increase contact, but until then, LC it is (they're lucky you're not NC).

Yup!

There is a saying I've heard somewhere & it rings true. "If someone can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you". This was my mother to a tea! When she could no longer control me, she started telling lies about me... doesn't she seemed stressed? Don't you think she's depressed? She's unhinged. She's unstable..

You name it. She tried to paint me in whatever way served her narrative when I no longer played her game

Sounds a very familiar story, @allatseawiththis. I swear exhaustion is an actual emotion not just a state of being and my mum can trigger it just by calling me. My DH is my touchpoint - the one who keeps me sane by validating my memory when she does a rewrite. Having to sleep and shit with the door open until I moved out was, likewise, bloody weird.

You won’t win, you’ll never win. Your dad’s just enabling her and will never protect you or your child. This is your time now, though! You’re building a family and, by god, you’ve got the manual on how not to do it! Low contact, practically ignore them and focus on your DH and soon to be DC! Congrats - you’re going to be amazing 😊

OP my mother shares a lot of unfortunate traits with your mother and I wished I'd had that advice when I needed it.