Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

158 replies

allatseawiththis · 20/06/2024 14:50

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
allatseawiththis · 23/06/2024 09:39

Skyrainlight · 22/06/2024 18:48

Do you really want that energy around your child? Get her out of your life and if you don't never allow her to be with your child without you there. She will also relish in trying to turn your child against you. I would go very low contact immediately and up it to NC if her bad behaviour continues.

Show quote history

No, I don’t. I think the way forward is going to be LC like you say, with NC as a back-up if she continues to escalate her behaviour. And I’m going to have to be completely honest with her, my dad, my sister and my gran, because I am not having my child subjected to the same drama, manipulation and frankly abuse that I was. I’m not putting up with this in my pregnancy and nor should I - for once, this is part of my life where I should come first and people need to think about me, rather than the other way around.

OP posts:
Skyrainlight · 22/06/2024 18:48

allatseawiththis · 20/06/2024 16:54

I am @Pantaloons99, thank you 🙏🏼

@AmoungUs I agree it’s all a bit much. She seems to feel entitled to know about or somehow control my body, which I find very uncomfortable.

I went travelling when I was about 22 and had travel injections - she went crazy when she found this out (about the injections, not the travelling) from my gran rather than from me, but I’d just mentioned it in passing to my gran and didn’t think it mattered enough to specifically mention to my mum. Surely getting a couple of jabs is not a big deal? She stopped talking to me over that.

She also blew up when I started wearing contact lenses at about age 19-20.

She was always incredibly difficult and enmeshed when my sibling and I were young and going through puberty. We had to have the bathroom door wedged open when we had a bath, even when we were in our teens. I remember the relief when I realised (?!) that I could just lock the door and she couldn’t stop me. She would comment on our bodies, walk into our rooms unannounced etc. I remember my sister being 6-7 years old and wearing shorts because it was summer, and mum chasing her shouting ‘sexy legs’ at her.

Do you really want that energy around your child? Get her out of your life and if you don't never allow her to be with your child without you there. She will also relish in trying to turn your child against you. I would go very low contact immediately and up it to NC if her bad behaviour continues.

Skyrainlight · 22/06/2024 18:41

Reduce contact. If she is threatening to walk in front of a lorry she is using emotional blackmail on you and that is even more reason to take a very large step back and get some space. She needs to know she can't control you.

Plantheads5 · 22/06/2024 18:05

OP, unfortunately you are waist deep in FOG. That is fog, obligation and guilt.
Read up on it.
It makes you so vulnerable to criticism and flying monkeys who try and gaslight/manipulate you.

You are bending yourself out of shape to understand this awful woman.
To what end?
To change her?
You can't change her. Not going to happen in any shape or form.
She is consumed by controlling you and if she can't do that because you wish to be independent, she will control the narrative about you.
You read as terrified of her and her anger.
Sadly if you don't step away from this woman, in time bitter regret will be greater than your fear.
She will ruin your experience of motherhood. She will ruthlessly poison it for you and not think twice about it.
Believe me when I say you will feel a greater pain that what you feel now, if you allow her to spoil those precious first months.
You are scared of the fuss she will cause?
There is no avoiding it.
The decision is do you do it now before she has the chance to ruin your post partum experience, or when things get so stressful and you are so upset and you do it.
Your choice.

Original poster
allatseawiththis · 22/06/2024 17:48

That said, my granny also said she is under no illusions as to what my mum is like, and she has borne the brunt of her difficult behaviour as well. She said that mum would always have a dig at her at any opportunity, about her career etc, and mum completely cut her off for a while before I was born for leaving my grandad (he was an alcoholic and I gather that their marriage was not happy).

To the PPs who’ve mentioned personality disorders, thank you. I’ve been reading this morning and I think borderline PD might fit? Does that sound like the sort of behaviour I’ve described?

How do personality disorders get diagnosed and treated? Presumably she needs to recognise in herself that she needs help and be honest with a GP about it, which seems very unlikely to happen - she never admits fault or accountability for anything. She’s never ever apologised for any of her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
allatseawiththis · 22/06/2024 17:44

Something my granny said yesterday about my wedding last year has really hurt, to be honest. She said that it was very difficult to be there as one of 10-ish family members from my side, with 50 strangers - but the strangers were my in-laws (DH’s parents, siblings and their partners, mainly) and mine and DH’s joint friends.

Nobody at my wedding was a stranger to me - we invited people who are important to us, and it wasn’t a huge wedding by any means.

I don’t have any other family I could have invited other than cousins who I never speak to. And DH only had one out of his seven cousins there in any case.

It wasn’t really the point of our conversation, but it feeds into that narrative that I’m abandoning my family in favour of DH’s. Granny said mum is worried that DH’s mum is taking me away from her - again, I’m a passive/inactive element of that sentence, having the taking away done to me, because I couldn’t possibly choose to spend time with MIL over my own mother.

She has no awareness that it’s 30+ years of her own behaviour that has led me to detach from her. We were never, ever close - whenever I tried to share things with her (aged 18, going on the contraceptive pill, or aged 20, alone at uni in a foreign country and upset/lonely), my emotions or decisions were met with absolute rage. Why would I keep subjecting myself to that? Of course I decided to move away.

OP posts:
Original poster
allatseawiththis · 22/06/2024 17:38

coldcallerbaiter · 21/06/2024 21:10

These are women who were used to being the matriarch and making decisions for the family. When you have moved away, she cannot let go of the power and thinks she knows best or it will fall apart for you if you do not consult her about everything.

Stay in touch, and be firm. Let her have her say but she gets to say it once, not insist - that is how I try to handle my mum ( who I am turning in to myself).

Yes, she always had to be in control when we were younger. She has got noticeably worse since I went to uni and properly left home, because she can no longer control what I do.

I think she thinks I’m incapable of making my own decisions. She’s said before that I’m ‘under the thumb’ of my DH and his family - no, I’ve decided as an adult to spend time with them because I enjoy it and they’re nice, supportive, fun people to be with. Really, what she means is that I’m not under her thumb any more and she really really resents it.

OP posts:
Genuineweddingone · 21/06/2024 22:17

Look into the 'We took you to stately homes' threads. So many of us dealing with this horrible people but not as easy as just saying cut contact. I finally have but the backlash...

coldcallerbaiter · 21/06/2024 21:10

These are women who were used to being the matriarch and making decisions for the family. When you have moved away, she cannot let go of the power and thinks she knows best or it will fall apart for you if you do not consult her about everything.

Stay in touch, and be firm. Let her have her say but she gets to say it once, not insist - that is how I try to handle my mum ( who I am turning in to myself).

Pikapikapikachu11 · 21/06/2024 21:08

Look up daughters of narcissistic mothers... you'll have your eyes opened.

EnglishBluebell · 21/06/2024 21:04

@allatseawiththis Just block her! Send a text explaining that you no longer wish to remain in contact with her and then block her. Also block your Dad and have your DH do the same. If they turn up, don't answer the door.

Job done

EnglishBluebell · 21/06/2024 20:54

@Yalta You don't sound like a very nice person Confused

EnglishBluebell · 21/06/2024 20:53

Yalta · 20/06/2024 17:42

My mother had a certain view of me that was nothing at all like me.

Apparently I chain smoked because that was what everyone did and I needed to follow the crowd because I wanted people to like me. I was incredibly shy. I was also going to be a nurse because I liked to help people.

I have never smoked a day in my life. It doesn’t bother me if people like me or not
I don’t think I have ever followed the crowd unless it interested me. If it doesn’t suit me or I find it boring it wouldn’t matter how many people are doing something I won’t be there. Definitely not shy
I also dislike ill people and a nurse is precisely the opposite of what I would ever do as a career (told exh that I wouldn’t look after him in sickness or in health, before our marriage. Told him if he got ill he was on his own)

When people only heard her version of me, then they met me, I usually got the comment that I wasn’t anything like my mother had described me.

I think that this is a form of narcissism and control. It’s almost like if they repeat the lie over and over it will become true

You "dislike ill people?" WTH? I know ableism is rife but I can't believe there's people that think like this and openly admit it...Wow

Biscuit
wellington77 · 21/06/2024 19:35

allatseawiththis · 21/06/2024 17:15

Thank you all so much for all of your posts, I’ve been reading them all 🙏🏼 so so much to think about and I’m really sorry to all those of you who’ve had similar experiences.

I totally agree with this, I used to give mum (and dad) the benefit of the doubt and say well they’d never been parents before so they didn’t know what to do with me. When I first had counselling at uni aged about 19, I told the counsellor that and she said I seemed very emotionally mature about it, but I’m not sure that’s right at all - emotionally, I was totally cut off from myself because I’d been too scared to feel, I think?

But anyway, now I’m past thinking that, because there’s making mistakes, which everyone does, and there’s the rupture and repair thing where you apologise for whatever it is that you’ve done wrong - and then there’s emotional and psychological manipulation and neglect and abuse, which is not the same thing at all.

I actually spoke to my gran today (mum’s mum) who knows what she’s like and understands more than a lot of other people IRL do. Mum cut her off before we were born for quite a time, and we didn’t see a huge amount of her when we were growing up, but she knows how mum can be and has been on the receiving end of her behaviour just as much as I have, really. So it was quite reassuring in a way, although it’s still very sad.

Show quote history

What did you nan say? Does she think your mum has personality disorder and what did she advise contact wise?

DrunkenKoala · 21/06/2024 19:08

Another one with a similar mother. She got worse after DC1 was born. Looking back I'm pretty sure she resented him being my priority and putting his needs first. She did an absolute number on me guilt tripping me about how I didn't care about her and I'm afraid there were times I did put her wants ahead of DS's needs. Luckily after a while I did start to see what was going on and stand up to her more and she did back off a bit.

About 3 weeks DC2 was born I had an almighty row with her as she bullshitting guilt tripping had escalated again and I saw red and I realised I didn't want anything to do with her, backed right away and then went no contact. Being able to get on and do what I needed to do for myself, and both DCs without her interfering and trying to turn everything on its head for me has been such a relief. My mum ticks a lot of the boxes of a covert narcissist, it might be worth having a read up on that.

Been no contact now for 8yrs. I saw her recently but didn't speak and I realised that now I no longer care - it wasn't that I didn't care to start off with but her behaviour made me not care if that makes sense?

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 21/06/2024 17:54

allatseawiththis · 20/06/2024 16:31

Thank you @Beautifulbythebay. I really don’t want my baby exposed to this drama, but my dad told me (when I asked why he hadn’t corrected my mum about the scan) that she’s really looking forward to being a granny. But I don’t want her ‘being a granny’ if she’s happy to lie about me, her own daughter and her GC’s mum.

Oh god learn from my mistakes. Go NC now. My biggest regret is not, because I thought the baby might change her and didn’t want to deprive her of being a grandma.

Learn from me, and don’t ruin your memories of the first year like I did, only to go NC anyway.

Withdraw slowly, expect fireworks; ignore them all. It does end, I promise.

StopInhalingRevels · 21/06/2024 17:47

Can someone please link to the narcissist mother thread?

Original poster
allatseawiththis · 21/06/2024 17:40

ChampagneLassie · 21/06/2024 17:37

Reading all your updates why do you want this woman in your life at all? She sounds really toxic.

Honestly, I’m at the stage where I don’t any more. But she will never ever let me go quietly, it will be an utterly toxic drama as soon as I start lowering contact. Which I know I need to do for my/our small family’s wellbeing. But it will be hideous when it happens.

She’s spent 30 years emotionally neglecting and abusing me, but is genuinely convinced that she is utterly entitled to have a starring role in my life in spite of the fact she was never interested in me or my feelings/needs as a child. It’s a very confusing, toxic situation.

The more I try to quietly pull away, she more drama she will create.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 21/06/2024 17:37

Reading all your updates why do you want this woman in your life at all? She sounds really toxic.

Genuineweddingone · 21/06/2024 17:32

She won't change. You either have to accept her or go no contact with her. Mine is the same but the lies shes told are beyond reason at this point. I neglect my child, I have adrug and alcohol problem, I have been involved with police, I have had affairs with married men... the list goes on. Not one thing is true. It is incredible the things they will lie about to get others to not like us so therefore we are drawn back to them again and again feeling they are the only ones in support of us when they are the ones that have caused the isolation to begin with.

I would rather die totally alone than ever have contact with my mother again.

Original poster
allatseawiththis · 21/06/2024 17:15

ARichtGoodDram · 21/06/2024 11:34

I had therapy about my childhood when I was pregnant and my therapist says it’s very very common for people to feel the need to draw a line in abusive relationships with family when they become parents due to the protective instincts.

I also realised that I’d always had a little bit of “maybe I’ll understand them more when I’m a parent and I know what that feels like” in me, and then when I was pregnant I understood them even less than ever!

Thank you all so much for all of your posts, I’ve been reading them all 🙏🏼 so so much to think about and I’m really sorry to all those of you who’ve had similar experiences.

I totally agree with this, I used to give mum (and dad) the benefit of the doubt and say well they’d never been parents before so they didn’t know what to do with me. When I first had counselling at uni aged about 19, I told the counsellor that and she said I seemed very emotionally mature about it, but I’m not sure that’s right at all - emotionally, I was totally cut off from myself because I’d been too scared to feel, I think?

But anyway, now I’m past thinking that, because there’s making mistakes, which everyone does, and there’s the rupture and repair thing where you apologise for whatever it is that you’ve done wrong - and then there’s emotional and psychological manipulation and neglect and abuse, which is not the same thing at all.

I actually spoke to my gran today (mum’s mum) who knows what she’s like and understands more than a lot of other people IRL do. Mum cut her off before we were born for quite a time, and we didn’t see a huge amount of her when we were growing up, but she knows how mum can be and has been on the receiving end of her behaviour just as much as I have, really. So it was quite reassuring in a way, although it’s still very sad.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/06/2024 12:52

I agree with the therapist: having a baby, being connected to your own child, will throw her terrible parenting into relief. Secretly abused children believe they deserve the ill treatment they get. They spend so much time under the control of their parents that they partially avcept the blame and responsibility for how they are treated. “Even if I didn’t mean to make her angry I must have brought it on somehow.”

When you hold that baby in your arms it is going to be so terribly, wonderfully, obvious that your baby is innocent and does not deserve this kind of treatment. And you will realize how innocent and loving you were at that age. You will be aghast at the way you were treated.

It is a revelation and will bring about a lot of healing (I hope).

SOxon · 21/06/2024 12:16

Jealousy as reason and weapon, the ‘mirror mirror on the wall’ scenario,
doesn’t have to be a wicked step mother, sometimes the antagonist who
would do you harm is more home grown.

OriginalUsername2 · 21/06/2024 11:53

It sounds like you still feel under her power a little bit (leftover programming from childhood) but you’ve actually grown up into a woman who is more intelligent and mature than her own mother. It’s time to adjust and be more confident in yourself.

I’ve been NC with my mum for a long time but growing up she always told embarrassing, embellished stories about me doing something embarrassing in front of people. I would just politely laugh along and die inside.

As an adult when she tried to do it to me one time, I found my confidence and said to the group “No, it didn’t happen like that, Mum.” and briefly explained the mundane that did actually happen. I rolled my eyes and smiled at them in a lighthearted way that said “I get this all the time”. I got understanding smiles back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread