To think surprises are much more about the organiser than the recipient

What @Phineyj said.

When dh didn't organise anything for his birthday, I asked him what he would like to do. I didn't impose a party, because I wanted a party.

Couldn't one organise something in consultation with the recipient though? Why's it have to be a surprise?! Unless I suppose you're really sure that's what the person would like. But such a risk of then thinking till the day that everyone's forgotten, which is not very kind.

It seems like it’s getting more and more difficult for people to show spontaneous kindness and friendship. There are probably a few people reading this thread who would now be too nervous to plan a nice surprise for their friend and then a bunch of friends who will be quietly disappointed that no one organised anything for them. Please if you’re reading this, dont let random threads on mumsnet make you nervous about doing nice things for your family and friends.

YANBU.
It is very much about the person who imposes upon the person an event they didn't want.

Oh I agree. I have made it crystal clear to all my family that if ever someone suggests a surprise party for me they are to veto it with all of their souls.

It's difficult though. My mum has a strange personality where she hates to put herself first and would never arrange a party for herself, but also would really like a birthday party. So now we're in the awkward position where she wants (and expects) a surprise party. But if we ask her about it, like who to invite, we get loads of ohhhh nooooo not for me, how silly to have a party for me. But then she's annoyed when other people get one!

I had some surprise me with a visit mid week, and because I had no notice, I also had no time off, so they had to entertain themselves. I would have preferred a conversation first so I could make sure I was free, or if there was a reason I couldn’t get time off we could have discussed other days. Family didn’t use common sense!

Hmmm no, not really in my recent experience.

I organised it...but now I have this nagging doubt that I'm not going to benefit from it...

Even Mother Teresa had her own agenda (she was human after all).

I’d love a birthday surprise. I’ve wanted a surprise party since I was a child and I’m still waiting at 41! 🥹

my idea of hell i rather people have done absolutely nothhing than a surprise party

YABU. The fun of planning an outfit? Doesn't exist.

What if it's something shit though?!

Is it then reasonable to say you don't want to go actually?

This is outing but whatever.

I intended to propose to my partner and wanted to make it special, but not public.

We have a lovely friend who lives in Malta who I visit often. Travel to Malta is much easier if you fly to Venice first (the airport is obviously some distance away from actual Venice).

I told my partner that we had a few hours to kill and instead of just staying at the airport we could go walk around Venice.

When we got there I handed him an envelope while we were sharing a pizza and he was panicking about about getting back to the airport in time. It had a letter inside saying that I loved him and that he could relax now because we were actually staying in Venice in a beautiful hotel for 3 days. I'd sat us at a pizza restaurant just next to the hotel so I could point to it and we could drop our bags off as soon as the surprise was revealed.

It's worth mentioning that Venice is his favourite place, but he had only visited once before while backpacking and didn't get to stay there.

I am notoriously terrible at keeping secret so they were very very surprised. I was quite proud of myself getting all the way there without causing any suspicion at all or blowing it. And managing to organise it all in the background. I even managed to say I'd get tickets for the vaporetto and buy the 3 day ones without him noticing.

He was very excited and very happy, cried a little bit then called his mum to tell her and send a few pictures.

I didn't actually find a moment to propose, and our follow on plan to go to Malta didn't work out, as my friend became unwell and tested positive for COVID, we didn't fancy risking it so decided to fly home after the 3 days instead and visited my friend later in the year.

I did get a lot of enjoyment and fun out of it myself, but as I didn't actually find the perfect moment to propose, and now I'm not exactly sure how I top myself!

So yeah, managed to get him to book time off and fly to a different country and not realise until we were there!

I'm going to a surprise party for a friend soon which has been organised by her brother. That family throw surprise parties for every birthday, I am under absolutely no illusion that she doesn't know anything about it. Of course she does. Yet still we are tip toeing round acting like nothing's going to happen. It's so cringey. I think it would be more of a surprise if they didn't throw a party, to be honest.

YANBU. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. Anyone who knows me knows I don't like surprises, so if ever a friend told me they've organised a surprise, I'd just say something like "I really appreciate the thought, but I don't like surprises. I'd feel more comfortable and be able to look forward to it more if I knew the details".

The thing is that some people do like surprises. I think it's usually the kind of people who are very extraverted and enjoy being the centre of attention, and so they assume others love it as well. You have to just be honest and direct with people.

Yes.

Most people appreciate a surprise gift, especially one that can be exchanged if not completely right.

A surprise party is an ordeal that has to be endured, or not enjoyed as much as it should be if you haven't had any input into it's organisation. It can't be exchanged for something more suitable, either.

@GerbilsForever24 you win the thread.

I wish you were my relative.

Both my BILs have form for poorly thought out surprises! I did screw one up myself once but at least I learnt from my error!!

YANBU

My boyfriend organised a surprise 18th birthday party for me in a remote pub in January.

I'm a raging introvert in a family full of raging introverts. He was the opposite, as was his family. We glared at each other across the pub all night. He even invited my colleagues. Mortifying. He'd organised a curry buffet and a chocolate cake - i hate both. It was all about him.

He was baffled that i didnt want to get legless and dance on tables on a Monday night in the Peak District.

It's like performance generosity, absent thought.

I totally agree. Surprises are a bit selfish really but you have to act like they've done the most altruistic thing.

I hate surprises. Well no, I hate planned surprises, I hate being tricked, even in a good naturedly kind of way. See also: magic

I love surprises. But I totally agree in this context - a massive surprise birthday party is almost never great for the person being surprised for all the reasons articulated.

So someone offering to do all the work to organise my birthday party - on a date, time and at a venue that I approve, with my input into guest list = WIN. Me turning up for dinner with Friend A expecting a good gossip and a catch up to discover a random 30 people yelling SURPRISE - not a win.

The kind of surprises I would like are more subsidiary. I organisd my 40th at a restaurant, with food etc etc. I didn't organise a cake for lots of reasons and I was not upset that there was no cake as I had not organised a cake. But if DH had spontaneously surprised me with a cake, I probalby would have liked that.

I have been to birthday parties where one guest has secretly organised for a few guests to club together to buy the birthday person the kind of gift they would never usually expect because it's too expensive. Lovely.

Similarly, a lovely surprise might be if you've planned the party but you know your BFF/Brother/Child can't make it because they're too far away but they surprise you by making it after all.

Obviousy, if someone wants to "surprise" me by somehow getting Daniel Craig or Henry Cavill to attend, I'd be thrilled (to a party - where I've dressed at my best to start with. Not to breakfast at 7am! )

I'll take a surprise brunch on the day of my birthday.

YOu get the idea. So OP, I don't blame you at all. I would express your concerns to your friend and ask her if you can have a few more details.

Depends how well the organiser knows you.

my Dh organised a surprise birthday present for me. Without my knowledge took a pic of my beloved cat (my 3rd child) and got it made into a painting.

I opened it on my birthday and wept with joy as totally unexpected - total surprise and he did it because he knows that my girl is my baby . He likes her - but doesn’t adore her like me and so that surprise was 100% for me and not him.

had he organised a surprise birthday party for 50 people - I would have been dying and that would totally been about him as he likes social events and I don’t cope well with crowds.

so it depends what it is and who organises it.

surprises done well (targeted to the person) are wonderful but badly thought out things are a nightmare!

I agree OP, I wouldn't want a surprise thing. I think they're well-intentioned but the surprisees don't always enjoy them because they haven't got into the mindset for doing that particular thing.
Having said that - hope yours is lovely, and happy birthday!