House guests when I'm stressed

Just say no. No sorry not at the moment.

Do you think that having a house full of another family and their kids as well as her own kids sounds like a stress free atmosphere in which @Twix42 can complete an important 4000 word assignment, @CurlewKate? Especially as the other family will expect to be entertained and won’t contribute a bean.

The OP’s plate is already over-full and she doesn’t have the bandwidth to cope with the organising she would have to do - even if that is just doing the shopping.

id book into a nice hotel and leave them to it

I wonder what the responses would be if it was a DH rather than a DW as the OP.

Or posted from the other pov "My DP has an intensive year, they are studying for a post graduate in one year as well as working ft. In order that the DCs can have a holiday and DP has some solo studying time I'm taking the DCs camping with my sibling and their cousins.

The cousins love spending time together and Dsib has asked if they can come to ours for a couple of nights at the end. I'd love them to come but DP says it's too stressful as an essay needs to be completed, even though I'm happy to do all the preparation for their visit."

"Next year's project for you - work on saying no without guilt."

Or work on having a family member to say for the weekend without making a big deal out of it? Presumably because they've been camping you have to shop anyway? Shop- then dp cooks and entertains. Having them there will mean your kids leave you alone.

I'm working all through the summer too, plus plenty of reading and revision for a postgrad degree that starts in September. No way will I be hosting any uninvited houseguests! Although in your case, I expect DH invited them, knowing you'd have to do the hosting. Definitely put your foot down.

I'm still quite concerned for your wellbeing OP.

I am a training manager, I regularly support staff doing very stressful jobs and HE study including Bachelors, Masters, PGCEs, and Doctorates.

You are describing a level of stress, and a workload (full weeks AND weekends, no time with kids in holidays etc) that would significantly concern me in terms of wellbeing. The demands seem unacceptable and I'm amazed any organisation is allowing such levels of pressure. With really heavy courses we opt for two year provision because such a volume isn't sustainable or healthy for you, or your family.

What would your work say if you requested a two year programme?

You don't need to do any prep. If your DH wants to bring his family member and their DC, he can take charge. He could clean the house and get provisions in before he goes if he is so inclined.

I would check into a an aparthotel, go to a friends or house sit and get in with your essay.

If they want to prolong the holiday then why don’t they actually prolong the holiday and extend the camping booking into the weekend.

YANBU.

Your DH is also not kind - he's a people pleaser for everyone except his wife. Anybody with half a brain cell would know that you don't invite house guests with DC the weekend before a massive assignment is due.

Those saying oh just get DH to organise everything. I couldn't deal with extra DC in the house, a lazy entitled family member who won't lift a finger, while also trying to do an assignment. Also, you shouldn't have to leave the comfort of your own home and stay elsewhere just because your DH is too weak and pathetic to say no to his relative. Why can't he prioritise you?

It would be a firm no, relative will not be visiting.

Good luck on the assignment, OP. It's a lot of sacrifice for a short while but you'll get through it,

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say

No, I'm sorry but that really doesn't work for me. I have a HUGE assignment due the following week and will be working all weekend. I really can't have guests. It's bad timing I know but just need to get through this year and it will all be over [bright smile, firm tone of voice].

Then suggest to DH they extend the camping or go to his family [until September]

When I read that a husband is kind, lovely, laid back etc on MN I have come to believe it is code for selfish lazy arsehole who suits himself.
Usually married to passive worn out women who carry the load on their own.
Consistent with the type of arsehole who would have family visiting and doing nothing for the third time this year.

These are not good men.
They are just married to passive women with low self-esteem who tolerate their bullshit selfishness.

If your husband is kind then he can be kind to you and tell his family they can't come on this occasion. I would die on this hill.

I would arrange to be away- or go to the library or a friends to study - I would not under any circumstances do food etc - let Dh get a chippy each night. Just explain you are too busy.

This thread just shows how still in 2024 the woman is expected to own all the household tasks, done if these replies are depressing.

Why are people saying - bulk cook and freeze in the week they are away, delegate tasks to DH?

It's simple, if DH wants this person back for the weekend he makes sure he is prepped before he goes and has a plan for food. He should only be asking the OP if it's okay due to noise/disruption etc NOT because he expects her to do everything (which it sounds like he does).

I was going to say that I'd give the OK if the DH was doing everything, however given he's already sulking I'd say no because he's clearly just be pestering the OP all the time.

The OP works full time, is studying abs had 2 children fgs!

Honestly I'd nip this in the bud utterly by sending a being breezy text saying.
Gang are really looking forward to break etc dh mentioned you were hoping to prolong your holiday by staying with us for weekend following but unfortunately we can't associate this time as that is house lockdown weekend for me as I have deadlines for loads of work. Another time when this is behind me .
Sorry to me missing the hol. Am sure yell have a great time .

Couldn't your DH extent the camping by a couple of days, that way you get peace the whole weekend. No matter how busy you are the DC will want to see you when they get home and I can't see you getting much peace for studying when everyone's home, visitors or not

I’m 😒 by all these posters who suggest on threads like these: “just decamp to an AirBnB / hotel / Premier Inn for the week”

I save hard all year to afford 7 nights camping for me & kids. That’s our holiday. Not everyone has the money to fling at the problem of an unwanted houseguest by “just taking themselves off to a local AirBnB”

MN really makes me feel like I live on a different planet sometimes 😞

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, was one of my mother's favourite sayings. So do make time to do something other than work and study and you'll find it helps both work & study.

I suggest, having taken advantage of no kids no DH to really get up-to-date with your studies, that you prioritise getting a freezer full of ready cooked portion meals for one for the week they're all off. Simply cook an extra portion of a meal you're doing in the weeks beforehand, label and freeze it. Then you'll save yourself masses of time with no cooking as such while they're away.

Make sure you timetable a proper plan of what you're going to do for your studying, and for research and planning as well as at least some writing of your essay, also plan in time out for a walk or two.

Take 24 hours off when they come back, allow relative to stay on the understanding DH is responsible for holiday laundry and bedding laundry from the stay over.
Go out for a couple of meals or get a takeaway, and that just leaves 1 x breakfast for your guest which you can delegate to DH.

Perfectly do-able, speak to any student who is in 40hrs plus work around uni studies.

I said YANBU, because I would say the same! However, I think the third option is that you say yes, but state very clearly to the family member that you won’t be able to play host at all because of your work commitments, so they will need to sort themselves out for food and activities and the house won’t be clean when they arrive. Set the expectations really, really low and then follow through on that. If your DH has a sense of shame about the state of the house or the shopping, he’ll go out and do it himself! If not, so be it.

Your DH is not kind, he's weak and is volunteering your time and headspace so that HE can seem nice.

Two options:

1. Say no.
2. Say yes but you book yourself into a Holiday Inn so you can study in peace.

My DH is doing a masters while working full time right now. People really underestimate the amount of effort involved in doing this at the same time as working full time. I would not dream of doing this to DH, especially around a time he has big deadlines. He needs the weekend to study but also have some downtime.

It's such a short amount of time in the scheme of things.

Easy text
“Hi Xxxx, so sorry, any other weekend would be fine but this weekend is when it’s all happening for my course/exam and stress levels will be at a maximum. I’ll need a quiet house to get through it so I’m sorry, but we’ll have you over another time when it’s all done and I won’t be so stressed”

Just say no. The studying is the perfect reason.

If they want to prolong their holiday, they can all spend another two days camping and leave you in peace.

I also get stressed by hosting, and am learning to set my boundaries. I do enjoy it for short times with the right guests, when I have time to prepare the house. But not after a busy work week when everything's chaos, or with a guest who is picky about things.

As much as I'd like to be a "sure, anyone can stay whenever" person, there's no point pretending to be and then being grumpy with my guests!

Either say no, perfectly reasonable in the circumstances.
Or say yes and go elsewhere while they are there so you can concentrate on your study, which might not be a bad idea anyway.

Why do none of you think about the fact that a week of alone time this near an exam should be ample, organise yourself get the work finished and then welcome your children home.