House guests when I'm stressed

“he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.”

Perhaps tell him to extend this kindness to you on this occassion

Sounds like your husband likes to be 'kind' to everyone but you. Leaving the decision to you is a dick move, not to mention expecting you to do all the heavy lifting as well. Please don't agree to any of it. You may be made to feel guilty (completely undeservedly) by your 'kind' husband, but it's better than being horribly stressed and resentful.

I suspect this is more a case of you don't really like them (it sounds reasonable too if they don't contribute, and you have to organise fun and meals for them). I did a post grad and worked full time, it really wasn't that bad and a 4000 word essay when you have a week to yourself and have a long lead in is very do-able. If you just don't want them there then that's fine, own it and just tell them its not ok that weekend! If it genuinely is purely the study that you're worried about you can go to a friends/parents/library for the weekend. If they're camping he can still go to the shops for food for the weekend or order online for when they're home, he doesn't need you to do it (but I suspect this isn't the really reason you don't want them visiting, you just don't want them there and you're looking forward to having your family back to yourself after 5 days away). Either that, or your husbands a bit incompetent and needs you to host but that's a whole other issue!

Just say to DH ‘you know I love your family but the thought of visitors that weekend is making me feel really stressed so I’m going to have to say no. I really just need to concentrate on my studies, it’s only for another 3 months so I’d appreciate your back up here’

He’s not kind; he’s very selfish. It’s one year and he should have just said “no” to them. The only way that I would have considered it when was in your position was if he promised to do everything and I knew I could trust him to keep that promise.

Stay somewhere else for the weekend. Family, friends, even a cheap hotel.
Whilst I get people saying you need a break from study, spend time with the kids it won't be like that when they've all appeared after a week's camping. It will be ridiculous amounts of laundry, on top of the usual household stuff and be expected to be pleasant to guests who you didn't invite.

No. The guests either don't come or you go off for a couple of nights until they're gone.

Why can't they all go to their house anyway?

If he wants them to stay and won't say no, I'd say, fine. I'll book myself into a hotel for the weekend to focus on my assignment. You can get on with it.
If he gets annoyed then he recognizes what work it will entail to have them there and I'd ask why he thinks its reasonable for you to take that on when he knows you have other commitments that weekend?

Azandme
I say this as someone who works full time and is also doing my second 1 year post grad and is also a senior training lead.

You will burn yourself out if you don't take a break.

Taking a weekend in the summer for fun and activities with your kids and family is healthy. What you are describing isn't.

They will have just been away for a week - get the assignment done then.

I have a 4000 word essay due 3 days after we fly to Spain so will submit early. The weekend before I'm taking DD to an event in Edinburgh.

You really shouldn't need to be doing so much study that you can't spare a weekend. It's not healthy or sustainable. And for a postgrad it seems far too intense.

Definitely this- you say ‘only a year’- you can’t go full throttle for a year!! Also the kids will have been away- they’ll appreciate you being in on some summer fun as opposed to them coming home and you still being holed up. You need some form of a summer, to have fun and the kids need to enjoy the summer with their mum (I’d say the same with a dad working by the way before anyone hops on me!!).

If your DH wants them over he can sort it. He can clean and sort out before he goes, you wont mess it up on your own and out at work. He can Make up beds, washing after, set the online food shop to arrive for when they get back. Cook. Clean up. It's only 2 days. I do see that you'd look rude to not join them when they are back.

Yep!
Go to the library or some other space for peace and quiet. Can you go into your office?
Your future is very important. Just clear off.

I read it that she’s working rather than studying.

Weirdly, I'm not in the position I usually am on this one. If my DH took the kids away for a whole week so I could study/be on my own, I'd be incredibly grateful and happy to have a couple of busier days in return afterwards.

However if you know you will still need this additional time you just have to say it's for this year only and you won't be able to do it.

Definitely just say no and don't feel any guilt about it. At times you have to put your self first and this is one

Just say, "sorry not this year because of my post grad. We can do something next year for sure."

You really don’t need to feel guilty. Say no and each time you get that niggling guilty feeling, think back to how relieved you felt when you realised they wouldn’t definitely not be coming because you’d said no. Think about how much easier the weekend is going to be because they won’t be there. think about how pleased you’re going to be when you get your qualification.

Practice this - the thinking about the benefits of saying no instead of the guilt people try and push on you - and it will get easier and make it easier for you to be less of a push over in other aspects of your life too.

DH is not being very kind to his wife. He's seeing his family for a week; surely that's enough, this time!

I'd refuse to be made to feel guilty.

Yeah sure they can come but I'm going to a BNB for the weekend. Good luck and enjoy yourself. That's what I would do

You have a DH problem.
Why are you with this prince among men who doesn't work to full capacity or defend you?
My MIL knows full well that my husband's family is his business. Also that if she opens her mouth to complain about me, she'll get short shrift from her son.

Also I can't believe all the nice polite messages being suggested by the wet wipes on here. Life's too short to be nice to CFs

Id tell them to F off and not visit OP. And I'm from a culture that honours guests!
Expected to be entertained for free is selfish. You're not their servant. Or Centreparcs.
Unless this person saved one of your lives or something they can piss off.

There is rightly a clear gendered difference.

Wrongly, it is women who are blamed for performing hosting and other social niceties poorly, not the men.

Whenever my MIL doesn't like her gift- she moans about how awful I am. When our house is untidy, the same. When we don't have the type of soda they like in, how thoughtless - of ME.

Never mind her son lives here as well, works far fewer hours and they are his family not mine.

You have two choices. You either live with guilt or you live with resentment. The guilt will dissipate pretty quickly and no one will remember you saying no. The resentment will reside in you for a long time and no one else will be effected.

Saying no isn’t selfish. It’s selfist. You matter too. Your needs matter too.

You are not on this planet to serve others.

Send then a text (and this is the text I wish I’d sent in a similar situation;

Dear friend,

Im sorry I won’t get to see you on the camping trip. I’m working full time and doing a postgrad course this year so I have no time off at all. It would be lovely to see you and the kids the weekend after but I just can’t have visitors at the moment. I’m pretty stressed out as I’ve got so much to do. I’ve got an assignment due in that I’ll need to be working on. So sad not to see you but hopefully it won’t be too long.

Or just ‘Sorry I can’t host you all after the camping trip but hope to see you soon.’

Either say a point blank no, or book yourself into a hotel for the weekend (or try universityrooms.com or similar).

Honestly, you are making this hard on yourself.

Just tell him he can do what he likes but you won't be hosting or engaging with guests. If you have to, shut yourself in your room and let them get on with it.

He doesn't feel guilty, his family doesn't feel guilty, no-one needs to feel guilty.

Just say no and ignore any guilt tripping. Your husband is not kind if he guilt trips and would expect you to shop, prepare, cook, etc for guests when he knows you don’t want to. So say no and stick to it.