House guests when I'm stressed

*DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says it's up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.*

Passing the decision to you then laying on the guilt trip if you say no is not kind. I have a DP like this. He likes to make the big gestures, but doesn't always consider how they might affect me, which they almost always do. And sometimes when I explain my position and he agrees that it's not fair on me, he changes the plan, but then complains about it later, making me feel terrible. It has caused a lot of problems between us over the years.

They can go to the shop on the way back. Or get takeaway the first night and go to the shops on Saturday. Tell your OH you are too busy, if he wants them he can organise. Grow a spine.

We see my in-laws once a year due to distance. It’s fine. Not everyone has regular contact with extended family. Sometimes the relationships are toxic and less or no contact is better. I don’t think we can make a judgement on that.

partner duties? Personal gain? WTF? It’s her partner’s duty to support her studies, it’s not her duty to cook and clean for him and entertain his guests. Her career advancement will help them all. Woukd you say that to a man? Are you from the 1950s sent to us from the past?

Stay out of the arrangements altogether.

To get yourself peace and quiet book yourself a hotel/ Airbnb, stay with an understanding friend/relative, spend all day in the library while lazy family members are at your place.

I know you'd rather be in your own home.

Your not being unreasonable, but if he wants then to stay, he has to be prepared to do all the entertaining, and if he it's prepared to do that and still insists on them coming I would find myself alternative quarters for working that weekend either a hotel for the night or two or find somewhere you can go during the day, granted you shouldn't have to buy your removing yourself from getting dressing into cooking etc. Maybe when you tell DH you will be elsewhere if they come to get work done he will realise it's not a good time

I absolutely am not saying she has to because she is a woman. Though I am pretty certain that the majority of women in this predicament would end up getting involved. Nor am I saying that we should take her side because she is a woman.

I am saying it's nonsense that women are constantly told to put their needs and wants secondary to others and it's bullshit. If a man was asking a group of men this, he absolutely would get very different responses.

OP is very clear in that she wants to say no but feels the consequence will just be a guilt trip she shouldn't have to feel that way.

But just because OP is a woman doesn't mean she needs to do anything and also doesn't mean that we should all support her.

It sounds like the DH and the DCs would enjoy spending more time with this relative and her DCs who presumably has travelled some distance to spend time together.

I still say if the OP was a man the responses would be very different.

I would make it absolutely clear now that you cannot host or help with the visit in any way, that is on DH. Then I’d book myself a hotel for 2 nights and work and study from there while they have full reign of the house.
Having said that, it sounds very intense not being able to spare a weekend for a whole year, and I really hope you feel it’s going to be worth it.

I'm quite shocked by how many people are saying OP should get a hotel or an Airbnb or just got to the library.

I'd say no. You won't enjoy it, you a absolutely will have to help/organize cos let's face women always do, it will be stressful at a time you want to focus and you are not wrong for prioritising yourself.

When did you start this year? Was it Sept or Jan?

I'd be finding a study space out of the house if DH pushes this and taking yourself away.

But really if he just wants to blame you rather than say no himself I'd let him, though I'd think less of him for it - it still achieves the same aim.

Just say you’re very sorry but you’ve an essay to complete that week so don’t have the time to coordinate a visit.

No, no just no. You set your stall out that you would be busy. You aren’t even getting a holiday this year

"You're very welcome to have them stay dear. I'll make sure to keep the house as tidy as you left it while you're away, and I'll book myself a weekend in the Travelodge. In fact I think that will be better than them not coming as they can help you entertaining the kids and I'll have complete peace and quiet to finish my assignment"

@Poddledoddle OP says she hasn't seen her family- which presumably includes the DCs seeing their DGPs - since Christmas. That feels very much like putting their life on hold. It's been six months which is a long time for a young DC or an elderly person not to see each other.

On the staying at their house. We had one set of DHs relatives stay in April, another one a couple of weekends ago - we were actually away so it was more a place to stay - and another set coming in July. They know they are always welcome at our house so I don't think it's rude that they ask to come. I do very little other than change the bedding.

Their whole life isn't on hold, its one weekend. And they've been on holiday...

Having relatives to stay after theyve already been on holiday is not normal life

Doing all the donkey work for extended family is not taking a break.

Naw you are being totally unreasonable. You have a whole week off from mom and wife duties. Use that to catch up, get that assignment finished early. Then enjoy your family for two days.

or use that week to catch up. Then feed your family pizza and tacos. Drop them off at a local Rec center and continue studying.

if it’s his family then make sure the house is clean, and he can either order groceries online or give you a list /meal plan. Let them cook, you don’t have to entertain. Maybe enjoy your kids a bit.

it sounds like you decided to overload yourself and are neglecting partner/parent/child duties. If this masters is related you should’ve had some conversations with work about support! They often pay for it or give you time. And/or dragged it out over two years to balance better.
And it’s a masters and you already have a job - this is pass fail. And how many times has someone been asked for their university transcripts? 0 among my friends- and that’s engineering/science.

so anyway. You’re taking out your stress on the wrong aspect of your life. And it sounds like your husband is being really good about it. I hope it’s worth it in the end, but know you’re taking advantage of your family for personal gain. This could’ve been done and planned better on your end.

and freaking have your (that you haven’t seen since Christmas) family over!

The a answer is NO.
I have an extremely busy schedule that weekend with strict deadlines and unfortunately need to lock myself in the study to study to pass my exams to further my career to feed my family and pay the mortgage. Having anyone else around will be distracting with noise and bussle let alone stressful worrying about you all food wise and activities.
It has to be another time when my schedule is clear and this hugely important time has passed. If I don't pass then it will mean a career stagnation and resits all over again in a year's time which is very disappointing and financially crippling. So I know you will understand the situation and I look forward to planning a mutually convenient weekend another time.

Either say No, or say it's up to him but you'll be booking yourself a nice hotel for a couple of night so you can focus on your work as having guests will be too disruptive. He wants them there, he can do the prep work before he goes camping and sort meals out in the freezer etc beforehand. He can do the clean up after camping and guests too. Don't be roped into that either!

Just say no sorry, it's really not convenient?

They're already getting a holiday and you're not, it's not outrageous to decline to host them for an even longer break.

Perhaps it's your hubby's way of trying to get you to take a weekend off from work/study to spend some family time together as you aren't going on the camping holiday 🤷‍♀️
I remember when I was in uni with a 7 and 4 year old, p/t work and hubby running his own business working long hours. Looking back, the pressure I put on myself was ridiculous because I felt I had to do it all and couldn't take time out. In fact I could and should have!!
You do sound like you are overthinking and stressing about it before it even happens. I'd get the essay done while they are away but delegate entertaining to the hubby. If you cannot afford takeout or a meal out then do an online food shop of pizza and garlic breads and quick and easy meals which do not require prepping, just need popping in the airfryer/oven. You can even get the kids to muck in if they are old enough by making lunch, sandwiches, wraps etc
If none of that is possible then just say NO, not this time!

Can you let them come, but you go away? Could you go to an air BnB or hotel and have some peace and quiet and then they could continue the holiday and all fend for themselves? A change of scenery sometimes helps clear the mind too! Good luck with it all x

Not read full post but could you compromise slightly and say that you will cook something for when they return, providing DH has done the online shopping. Then after that first meal, they're on their own and you will be tucked away in your study.