In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

Well done OP. Will be great for the kids to see their grandparents ( on DH time not yours)

Then they can do it during the father’s time.

As others suggest, Ex-H can share his time with his parents, but be clear that it doesn’t encroach on your time. If it’s feasible distance wise, and you feel up to it, perhaps the GP can come for lunch/ tea to yours during the holidays.

It seems to be coming from a kind place, so perhaps just pick up the phone to your MIL, and explain how you feel - you will be without them for long enough going forward and are not ready to give up more time at the moment.

Id be the same as you. Maybe ask if they would like to join you for a day out instead so you all spend time together. If you can manage that. The summer after I left my ex me and the kids spent a lot of time strengthening our bond as a little family of 3 (they were 2 and 4) and it really helped us all feel more secure. I think you've done the right thing by saying no

Not always. And not where one parent has been the main caregiver for years.

YANBU. Spending summer with your dcs while they are going through the unsettling process of a divorce is important.

If your stbx wants to share his time with his parents, that's up to him. Given that he doesn't do much of the childcare now, he will probably appreciate their offer.

A polite no thank you is in order.

This. And please don’t let this happen. GP are important.

@Soontobe60 @MILTOBE I agree with both to an extent, I think it depends how consciously 50/50 is arranged. My SIL’s sister is now divorced and her (older) children do a 50/50 split. However she and her ExH have sorted things so that both houses feel like home as much as possible. Their own room in both houses, sets of school uniform at both houses, a PlayStation etc. at both houses. As much as possible the children need only show up at either house as themselves - no bringing suitcases of things between homes and no feeling like your real life is in the other place.

That’s the intention anyway, I do think it must be very unsettling for children to do one week somewhere and one week somewhere else if not done thoughtfully and I certainly wouldn’t like to be swapping homes every week!

It’s in their interest to be able to have equal time with both parents. Many chi,Daren successfully split their time between 2 homes. Many more children have a shit life because they hardly see one parent.

Well my kids adore there grandparents and I never have a problem them going, I get to catch up on housework,sleep, bathing and a film or 2. When it's offered I'm all for it, nothing better than seeing them get on with all ages and having fun with everyone

This is the perfect message but dont close the door ... my parents split when i was small and some of my happiest memories were when we would go to my dads parents for a couple of weeks in the summer every summer. It helped my parents with childcare so they could work but also I loved it my cousins went too. Im super close with them to this day.

This!

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Then just say that? Why on earth wouldn’t you?

’MIL, I’m really devastated that I’m only going to have the kids 50% of the time from now on. You’re welcome to have them during DH’s time, but when it’s my days I will want to spend as much time as possible with them’

My daughter is older now. But I used to hate when my ex MIL used to say I could send her to stay with her so I could "have a break". I worked long hours in term time and relished every moment with my daughter in the school hols. I never felt I needed a break.

For some, probably irrational reason it irritated me that mil didn't say "would DD like to stay with me for a bit?" Or "I'd love for DD to stay with me" instead it was framed as doing me a favour. Which it wasn't

I would simply reply “Thanks for the offer, but kids are adjusting to their new reality atm. I don’t want to disrupt them any more than necessary.”

No, it can chip into your DHs time instead

They've just misunderstood/underestimated things

This. My DS used to go to his grandmother's (dad's mum) for a week or two most summer holidays. It was great for all concerned. My DS has a.fantastic relationship with his grandmother, it was helpful childcare wise, and I would take DS away for a holiday too in the summer so spent plenty of time with him. Perhaps revisit the offer when things are.settled and you are less panicked by the change to 50/50.

Nobody is stopping the paternal grandparents having a relationship with the children but quite rightly the OP wants the grandparents access to be when their son has his custody not on her time .
You are being perfectly reasonable @RedLeicesterRedLeicester , particularly as you don’t need school holiday care anyway .

Please nurture the relationship with the grandparents. My parents divorced when I was around the same age as your children. My wonderful paternal grandparents and their magical home were the one constant in my life at that time, and we were very close until the day each died.

Focus on using the nights they are at dads to take care of yourself and pour love into yourself so that the kids have you super fun and connected and happy when they're with you

They can take them on his days with his kids

I would hope it is well meaning but misplaced. I would thank her but say that, there will be too much disruption for the children at the moment and they need to get a settled routine. When they are much older, that you might consider it then.

i can understand, as my son and his wife are also divorced. I was a no fault situation and I am very fortunate to still see my DiL for days out together during the holidays with the children.

Yes, @girlfriend44 , better check what the toddlers want!

I would hope that it is coming from a good place and that they’re frightened that their relationship with your DC might suffer if you’re not together. Perhaps she’s trying to strengthen the bond between them and the DC while she’s got the opportunity to suggest it. She’s going to be painfully aware that the likelihood is that you’re eventually going to move on and she has no way of knowing what that’s going to mean for her contact with her grandchildren? Suppose her son decides to be an arsehole and not make much of an effort with your DC? Or you meet someone, move to the other end of the country and they only get to see them once a year? She’s got to be considering every scenario. I know I’d be doing the same in her shoes.

I think that a slightly friendlier version of the earlier suggestion might be appropriate, especially if you’ve always got on and you want to maintain that. Maybe something like ‘Hi ex mil, thank you so much for your offer, I really appreciate the thought. I think we’ll be ok for a while; I need to adjust to not having them all the time, so I want to grab every minute with them while they’re still young enough to want to spend time with their mum rather than their mates 😁 I was thinking about a beach picnic in the next few weeks though, and was wondering if you’d like to join us for the afternoon? Obviously things are going to be a bit unsettled for the DC until they get used to their new routines so I want them to know that everyone gets on and nobody is going to be vanishing from their lives! Let me know whether you fancy it and we’ll sort out a date’.

No, facilitating contact with his relatives is not your job and, yes, it is something he could arrange on his time, but you want your DC to be happy and to be surrounded by people who love them. And if his parents get on well with you, you’ve got more of a support network when one child has a school performance and the other child has a sporting event. Or you have an emergency childcare situation. An afternoon on the beach or in the park every now and again will make them happy and feel reassured, it will make your DC happy and you get to keep them in your support network, even if you choose never to use them.