In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

Has she responded @RedLeicesterRedLeicester

I agree OP if they want to have them overnight it is not in any way unreasonable for that to be during your ex’s time with them.

I would still do what you can to maintain a good relationship with them as it sounds like you’ve got on well over the years but I’m sure they will understand where you are coming from with overnight stays.

I didn't say OP need a break, I said the opposite

I wished we'd lived nearer to in laws after divorce.

Children can really benefit from a few days with Granny and Grandad.

If they are local, all the better as it isn't then such a palaver.

I think they were just trying to be kind but missed the mark on this occasion. Probably better to speak to them about it if you can and explain that while it was a kind thought, you won't be needing them to look after the children in the summer if your Ex is looking after them part of the time anyway.

But try to stay on good terms with them. It's not their fault the marriage has broken down and it's good for your children if even split families can get along. Plus at some stage in the future you may actually like the idea of having possible childcare from them if you need it.

I think it sounds like they just want to support you both. I'm a single mum and have been since my dd was born, and I can honestly say that my ILs help is invaluable. Things are still very raw for you, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. When they're older and you have 6 weeks summer holidays to cover you might think differently. My dd is spending 2 weeks with me, 2 weeks with her dad and a week with each of his parents.....I'm really looking forward to the quiet time and being able to go for dinner on a week night with friends! Having help available when one of them is poorly or an inset day is worth sucking it up for. Sending big hugs, and reassurance that it gets easier to let them go, you're teaching them how to be resilient, self reliant and independent - these are all great life skills x

"that's a very kind offer thank you. I am concerned of seeing my children less as their dad will have them 50%. As a mum yourself I hope you can understand how that may feel. However I'm happy to work with you to come to some sort of compromise so that everyone is happy"

You've not dismissed her i.e keeping the relationship but stated your feelings. I'd imagine she is coming from a kind place and wants to be seen as helpful. You can then negotiate with her if need be. Instead of a week she might compromise to a day earlier before going to their dads perhaps on a once off in the holidays or whatever. I understand you don't want to see your children any less than you will have them for. At the same time I'd personally want to keep the grandparents on side. Especially if you think exDH may become a knob at some point and you need emergency childcare or whatever.

Absolutely what I'd do.
On MN all you are going to get are the MIL {Mother in law} haters.

She won't be doing 'all the care' when they're with their father. There seems to be an attitude on here that only mothers should have their children, fathers just used for money!

Wtf is with people saying ‘what do the kids want’? They’re 2 and 5!! If you don’t want it to chip into your time, decline politely; I’m sure they mean well but right now it’s hard for you (and reasonably so)

OP can have a break when the kids are with their dad, his parents can see the kids during that time, not OP's.

OP, we get it.
Nothing transactional about not wanting to be away from your very children any longer than necessary.
Of course this is a huge scary change.
Lots of parents never spend a night away from their young children. To then go to 6 nights away will be a huge shock for you and them.
2 and 5 are very young, especially the 2 year old whom will have little comprehension.
What is it about MN that some posters need to put the boot in to a young mother struggling with her marriage breakdown and drastically reduced time with the children she carried and birthed.
So unnecessarily unkind.
Mind yourself OP.

You need to make it clear that any time they now spend with your kids needs to be when their son has them. Your time is focussed on you.

Firm no from me. They can have dc when it's your ex's turn just as if your family wanted them it'd be in your time.

On what planet is this reply rude?! It thanks them for their kind offer and they are welcome to have the GCs on the Dad’s time not the mum’s.

It’s perfectly reasonable and what I would send too.

If you get on with PIL, I'd just respond to MIL saying you don't need a break at this time and you want to be with dc to help them adjust to their dad moving out. You never know, you may welcome a week's holiday in a year or two.

If you don't get on with them tell MIL it's a wrench not to have dc 6 days out of every 14 as it is, you don't need any further time away from them.

Well considering they have split and ex has bought a new house, and his parents are helping him, I doubt they are helping to try and get them back together

She's not stopping them seeing the kids, she's saying they can see the kids during her ex's time with them.

Some single parents, or even those in partnerships like the break to sort out the house/garden, deep clean, decorate etc. I was taken on holiday by my GPs and my GC have good relationships with wider family. I'd just say that not at the moment, you all need routine to adjust to the change. In the future you don't know how life changes. You might have poor health, or want to date again etc. When the children are at school childcare so you don't have to take time off wirk during illness is a godsend. Don't underestimate a change in your ex once you are enjoying life, or dating. So I'd keep your options open.

The OP says for a few days or even a week…

My PIL have been a very regular fixture in my sons’ lives since birth so having them for a week would be something THEY (the children) would love.

Three weeks seems like a lot but that’s not what the OP said.

It's a risk when you start hearing "what do the children want?". They are 2 & 5. Small children should want, but more than this, small children need their mum. They need two parents, also true.

In my case, my children were subjected to extreme brutal parental alienation from an abusive narcissistic ex who took revenge on me for divorcing him, by taking every single action he could to wipe me from my kids life, using delay, court action, false claims. All of them have been disproven. A supervision order was ultimately put in place to get my children contact with me. I have joint custody (50/50). Now he has refused to work with the child protection people- on the day child protection went to court to extend the order he phoned in sick so the order lapsed. Now waiting for a child protection board to investigate again - 6 years this has been going on. After all this time my children do not want to see me, because he has done a number on them - and yes, at the start they did want me. I tried contact centres (two) and both times he was identified as the abuser.

The kids can see their GP on the dad's time. And you cannot and should not stop that. Protect your space and parenting. It's likely it is very amicable now, but that can change.
I notice his parents are financially supporting their son in a new home too. My ex is like this, and he has refused to sell our family home or honor any aspect of the divorce settlement for over half a decade.

At the start of this, you have no idea how toxic and cruel people can be. You're divorcing.

Your children are very very young. Children under the age of seven or eight would rarely be away from their mums overnight in any other circumstance.

I would keep in mind that they are dependent on you for anything, have also been exposed to all the changes that go with mum and dad separating and channel that frustration into changing 50/50 to full custody until the children are emotionally developed enough to be without you.

It would be very different if they were teenagers but they're not. These are their infant and young childhood that moulds a huge amount of their future.

Grandparents can visit for a few hours a month until your children are secure in a new set up.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester

I would have gone to court. I doubt they'd make you do 50/50 for 2 & 5 year olds when you have been doing the majority of the childcare. Especially if his 50% will mean a change to their usual childcare routine on top of the divorce. It"ll be interesting to see how long he wants to keep doing 50/50. A lot of men only want it to save on CMS, but quickly wake up to the reality.

obviously some Dad's are brilliant & are also good full time Dad'd, it's just not so common!

best wishes

This is exactly what I thought.

They think they are helping you and your husband to mend your marriage.

Ridiculous overreach. Where has OP said a) she's bitter, b) that she's going to stop her ex-in laws seeing them and c) that she's scorned? She's made it clear throughout that her in-laws are very welcome to see the DC – just not during her precious 50%. I loathe the mentality that it is up to women to relationships going with the ex's family after the divorce. No, it's not.