In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

As I doubt you know my MIL or DH I don't think you're very able to judge whether it's unfair or not.

But that is up to HIM

Unfair and judgemental comments. Totally unreasonable to blame DH's upbringing and how Mil felt as a parent?????

I read it as his parents are perhaps in denial you’re separated and trying to suggest things that may bring you back together

All the sensible Mumsnetters agree with you OP!

STBXH can organise time with his parents of course but given the HUGE upheaval the kids are facing surely it would be better if his parents came to stay with him in his new house and saw them there until the kids settle down.

My heart would break if I could not see my little ones for days at a time. I wish you every strength as you figure out how to come to terms with it.

Perhaps grandparents want to spend time with them too, so perhaps EX-H could stay over with the children at his parents' house for a week or weekend during the summer holidays so that neither of you miss out on any of your time with them, because he will be with them while grandparents get to see them too?
Do they live nearby? Or if they live far away, maybe Ex-H could take them to his parents' when he has a holiday from work too ... ?
hope that you can find a solution where the children can spend time with all immediate family members 🍀👍💕
xx

She said they are more than welcome to see them whenever they want, how is that rude?

I wouldn’t worry about it too much as when it comes down to it he’ll probably have them a lot less than this arrangement. But for now say MIL can see them whenever but only overnights in their Dad’s time.

Ynbu to decline, if it doesn't suit you it's not really a favour or a break.

An honest and kind response was a good idea, you never know if you might have something come up down the line where you take them up on their offer but for now and whilst everyone gets used to their new routine I can see why it's not in the best interests of you or your children.

I hate the expression "give me a break" too. My Mum is always offering to have DS for a weekend to give me a break. I don't need or want a break!

Nope, your husband has to arrange for visits during his time.

I'm married but MIL has been offering to take the children to "give me a break" for the past nearly 17 years. I love my children and enjoy spending time with them. I always have and I've never once felt I've "needed a break"... Even during the first 3 years when DS didn't sleep!
I work full time and that's already too much time missed in my opinion.
I only ever allow the kids to go to the in-laws during school holidays when I have to work or occasional weekends if there's something special on or I have to do something else. Now that they're older occasionally they will ask to go and stay, which of course I allow but I hate them being away. I'm dreading DD going to uni!

I feel the phrase "to give me a break" probably explains a lot about DH's upbringing and how MIL felt as a parent.

I also have a 60/40 split with my XH - we share 3 DC. It is hard splitting time but we have managed well so far (5 years). One thing that has never happened is my XIL offering to have the kids for a week, however they used to before we split. I would have to ask them now (as theyre older than yours) but if they didn’t want to go my response would be thank you, it’s such a nice offer, however I plan my week and activities around them being here so I wouldn’t want too long without them!

Spot on !

They are trying to - give you both a break -together!

You've said you couldn't bear to spend any less time with them and that you're not willing to consider altering the time split over summer so they could potentially have a week with their grandparents. That's quite rigid. And the point was that sometimes your children benefit from being away from you even though you might miss them a lot.

Clearly your post wasn't "Am I being unreasonable," but "I've decided I'm being reasonable, validate me." So we'll leave it there and I'll wish you the best of luck on your coparenting journey.

Op, no one with an ounce of sense would think you're being unreasonable. You want to be with your dc and they are now with you less than you'd ever choose so wouldn't ever choose to spend even less time with them. It's not remotely difficult to understand

I hope your mil realises what she asked you and sends a normal response

I didn't mean to upset you, I'm talking from the perspective of being part of a blended family for 10 years and just letting you know that things are likely to get more complicated if you're rigid about your time split.

There's no need to be rude. You literally asked if you were being unreasonable, and I gently told you that you probably were being, or at least, will be, if you aren't flexible going forward.

Have a great summer.

I understand they are only 2 and 5 right now but as they get older I think keeping the same pattern through the summer and term time will become unworkable. I'm sure you'll want to take them away on holiday for more than a couple of days, and so will your Ex. The vast majority of blended families separate the 6 week break differently to the term, usually in a week long or even 2 week blocks.

Also, just to add that my daughter has been away with my parents for a few days a couple of times and she's absolutely loved it. I missed her like crazy but she got so much out of it and the cuddles when we saw each other again were wonderful. It would have been a shame if she'd missed out on that because DH and I had split up.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, just that in the long term it might be worth reassessing whether the plan can become a bit more flexible to accommodate things like this, once you and the children have got more used to the situation.