In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

It must be very hard for you. I know you were not asking but i think your arrangement can work well.

If I were you I’d be nurturing a good relationship between your children and their grandparents. You never know when you might be grateful for it. Grandparents can often provide stability when parents split.

I feel for you. He does not sound caring or accommodating. It is not in a 2 year old’s best interest to have this arrangement. But time passes quickly and by 4 or 5 it would be fine.

Both of my adult sons have had recent breakups, which has vastly reduced the time I get to spend with my four grandchildren. Since they never need a break or couple time together, they just don't need me like they did before. It really sucks, but it is totally understandable. It is what it is. I spend more time traveling to their city to visit them at their homes. I also take them out to a shop or to lunch and then return them. It isn't as much as the week-long visits to my house, but everyone has to adjust to a new normal.

I do 50 50 and my kids are not axe murderers (so far) and they are actually decent humans! We've been 50 50 for 8 years!

You sound lovely OP and please ignore them

The soon to be ex in laws need to catch on quick. Please remember they will always take his side from now on, its the only side they will listen to, however much you think you have a good relationship with them. Set boundaries early

These tiny children haven't even had the chance to adjust to being without their parents every day, so it's a bit too soon to expect them to cope with being without any parents. Grandparents can wait.

yup, its fascinating on MN the number of people who give opinions of things where they have zero experience

I think they meant that a) they'd still like to have the kids over occasionally and that b) they'd be happy to cover any situations where you need support for whatever reason. I can think of things like one of you being rushed to hospital but the other is on a work trip for example. Or you're going to a concert and your Ex has the flu.

The only alarm bells that ring is that Ex might have plans to give the lion's share of his six days of childcare to his parents. Or for them to manage nursery and school drop-offs.

Op I am a child of divorced parents. My parents did many things wrong in their divorce but one thing they did right was they BOTH fostered a relationship with the grandparents. As a result I grew up feeling loved and cared for by my grandparents whom I adored. I can recall both my father and mother dropping me off at their x In laws and it always being a nice experience.

So while I get that the "to give you a break" comment may grate and that right now the idea of being away from your children feels horrid. Then consider what mil could have said? She is hoping to get to keep a close relationship with her grandchildren and there is noway she can say that without it will encroach on your (and stbx) parenting time so she tried a softer approach. Right now it may not be good for you but in 5 years you may love the idea.

I'm not saying take her up on this. However telling her you will keep supporting a good and close relationship with the grandchildren and actually supporting this (I know many here will say that's your stbx job I disagree I think its BOTH your jobs for BOTH grandparents) can have so many benefits on your children.

When my dad dropped me off at my maternal grandma's often loud and chaotic house (she had 7 children and 16 grandchildren) he was always invited in for coffee. My mother the same at Paternal grandparents house. Neither parent were pushed away they were still a welcome part of their family. That is important to remember to foster. (Doesn't have to be via a weeks holiday though)

Which is what I said, that the reasonable thing would be to consider it for future years. But even in the fairly short term, keeping a few days in the week + EOW split through the holidays means neither parent is able to have a family holiday or settle in to family time, and the kids are going to be to and fro every couple of days. We tried something like that with my SD one year because her Mum was trying to structure it around her work (fair enough) but it was a disaster, she was unsettled all summer and got sick of it within about 2 weeks.

Well, that's just fabby for you. Not everyone is as lucky.

You wouldn't want your co-parenting to be so transactional? Oh boy. It's very clear that you have never been divorced!

I totally understand how you feel but things will change as they get older and one day you may need them so don’t alienate you

If you are the main cater then you should continue to be. A 2 year old needs continuity and, ideal, they need Mum. There is no way for agree to in laws having my kids for a week at that age, even without divorce. And there’s no way I’d let my husband having them so much if the time when he isn’t used to doing everything for them. Give him every other weekend. Start with one night away from you snd see how it goes.

Yes, no way mine would be happy with that. A single night maybe. Obviously would be different if grandparents very local and are seeing children several times a week, providing childcare etc.

A 2 and 5 year old whose parents are recently divorced are not going to benefit from a whole week separated from both parents.

Especially as they presumably don't see their grandparents that often due to distance.

If grandparents have any sense they would be suggesting coming over to help their son with the children during his time. They sound quite selfish really and clearly not thinking of anyone's best interests except their own.

A week with grandparents is something to be considered when the children are settled into the new routine and are a bit older. Probably in a couple of years.

The situation with a child of non divorced parents going for a few days is obviously different to a week right after a divorce

Feel for you. You sound like a lovely mother x

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester I think it's incredibly cruel for children to be relayed back & forth in 50:50 arrangements and them no longer having a main 'base' as it were, that they can call home. No matter what each parent does, they'll never feel 100% at home at either house. Not properly.

Even 60:40 would be better and would enable them to feel more settled at at least one of their parent's homes.

I think his time is for seeing his family, like they’d see your family in your time.

It must be really daunting OP, and you’ll get your “break” when they’re at their dad’s. You’ve said you’ve sent them an honest message and I think that’s the best way to approach it - irrespective of their intentions you’re getting used to your new normal and don’t want to see them for even less than you have to. If you’ve always done the lions share of parenting I’m willing to bet they’ll see plenty of the kids on your ex husbands time when the reality of looking after 2 young children sinks in!

Even without the issue of the parents separating a whole week with GPs seems a hell of a long time for a 2 and 5 year old to be away from their parents. I'm saying that as a mum who actually could do with a break, a week would be too much for those ages.

A few alarm bells. DCs are v small. You're currentkt doing lion's share but he is about to get a chunk of contact time which he doesn't currently use/have. This may (?) be making you a bit nervous. If your relationship with MIL is really good I would just tell her upfront that you absolutely don't want/need her to take your children off your hands but that you'd be happy if she wants to arrange something with her own son on the days he has your DCs.

Exactly this 👆