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AIBU?

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Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Cantbesure · 20/06/2024 08:28

@TheShyRoseZebra I would advise you have someone with you that you trust. Pack up his things. When he comes home calmly tell him the relationship isn't working and he has to leave immediately. No shouting. Make sure you get his key back but change the lock to be safe. It took years for me to get my ex husband to leave. I was worried about where he'd go. What he might do to himself. Not what he was doing to me. Until we had children and I realised the environment they were being brought up in. He went back to his parents and is still alive and well. I can't tell you the huge sense of relief once he had gone.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 20/06/2024 08:27

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Do you think he feels sad and guilty at his abusive treatment of you? Of course he doesn’t. Fgs find someone who treats you with respect, this man is vile and if your bar is thinking he won’t actually hurt you, that’s a very low bar. Pack him up and out.

Toooldforthis36 · 20/06/2024 08:27

Don’t tell him to leave when you are shouting and mid argument.

Sit down and have a discussion, tell him it’s not working out and that you’d like him to have moved out by x date.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/06/2024 08:26

What the hell have I just read? Why are you with this abusive man? What are your options now? Is this a shared house?

GrazingSheep · 20/06/2024 08:23

You are both bad for each other.
Just do not have a child together - it would have a terrible childhood.

PeonySeasons · 20/06/2024 08:22

@TheShyRoseZebra he IS VIOLENT.

He is showing you that every time he punches something.

He also shows you he loves you because that's a form of controlling your every step. If he makes you feel guilty, that's on him not you. This is part of the script of an abuser.

GinForBreakfast · 20/06/2024 08:22

This is not a healthy relationship. Whether you see yourself as a victim or not is immaterial. That you don't confide in friends is very telling. What advice would you give a friend or a sister?

I'm amazed that you think he loves you more than you love him. Love is not a standalone, superior power. It's demonstrated in 1000 different ways. Telling you to scrub the toilet while he swans off on day trips and punching walls is not love.

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:21

Lurkingandlearning · 20/06/2024 08:12

I say this with kindness… deluded would be harsh but you really don’t seem to clearly see how bad the relationship is.

You say he wouldn’t leave your apartment if you told him to, so you know he has no respect for you and feels entitled to live under your roof whether you want him to or not because it suits him.

Punching and kicking things are done to intimidate and show you what damage he is capable of. It also shows no respect for you and your property. If you honestly believe he does that in temper then you know he has no self control so you can’t know that he will never hit you. Do you think all the women who have been hit thought they would be? They too honestly thought they never would be until they were.

please read all the posts again with an open mind. Read your posts as though they’d been written by someone who you care about- a relative or friend. Would you be glad they were being treated the way he is treating you

Well in truth I don’t think he would take me seriously if I asked him to leave. Because during almost every argument I try to break up and during a few arguments I have shouted at him to ‘just leave’. I am the girl who cried wolf.

OP posts:
greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 08:21

Anyway he will never be happy with you - you are just too different

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 08:20

It is hard to really see what's happening when you are caught up in it though that I do get

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 08:19

He is violent

Are you SURE the arguments are as much your fault as his? You are not to blame for having an opinion - a decent man is a partner not a ruler

Superstoria · 20/06/2024 08:18

This is literally the time in your life you CAN easily ask him to leave. And you must. This man is abusive. Think five years down the line, do you want children witnessing this behaviour? Thinking this is how relationships work?

Begin to make a plan for how/when to leave. Then book a locksmith for one of the days you’re off and he’s at work. Pack his stuff up and text him when you’re done. Get family round to support you if you feel unsafe.

What he does next is his responsibility, but if there is genuinely nowhere he could stay / no-one he could stay with and it would make you feel less guilty and therefore more able to do it, book him two nights in your local Travelodge while he sorts himself out.

You deserve so much better than this. This is not a good relationship.

crumblingschools · 20/06/2024 08:18

He is violent if he punches and kicks things even if currently they are only inanimate objects

VJBR · 20/06/2024 08:18

Please tell this man to leave. If he won’t go then engage the help of a friend or relative. Or even the police. He is using you for somewhere to live and doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all. You sound a lovely person and you are worth more than this. Find the strength to finish it and find someone who respects you.

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:16

Thanks for the responses and your kind concern. I honestly feel very, very shocked. I never discuss these stupid arguments with friends because they are always over the most ridiculous things and get wildly overblown and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. To have myself perceived as a victim of domestic abuse is absolutely shocking to me. It’s a strange one. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

To have him call me dramatic and crazy when we argue and to minimize my feelings makes me second guess myself.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

And there are shades of grey. No one is all bad and if that were the case it would be so easy to just say get out of my life.

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

I just find it so difficult to relate to his way of thinking and his way of communicating, and for him its the same. He doesn’t understand my logic. Its just a toxic situation thats difficult for me to resolve. I don’t want to hurt him. And I want him to be alright and happy.

OP posts:
Angelsrose · 20/06/2024 08:15

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Op you have to have more regard for your own safety. Your bf needs to leave your home.

Lurkingandlearning · 20/06/2024 08:12

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I say this with kindness… deluded would be harsh but you really don’t seem to clearly see how bad the relationship is.

You say he wouldn’t leave your apartment if you told him to, so you know he has no respect for you and feels entitled to live under your roof whether you want him to or not because it suits him.

Punching and kicking things are done to intimidate and show you what damage he is capable of. It also shows no respect for you and your property. If you honestly believe he does that in temper then you know he has no self control so you can’t know that he will never hit you. Do you think all the women who have been hit thought they would be? They too honestly thought they never would be until they were.

please read all the posts again with an open mind. Read your posts as though they’d been written by someone who you care about- a relative or friend. Would you be glad they were being treated the way he is treating you

PeonySeasons · 20/06/2024 08:09

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

THROW HIM OUT

The next stage is hitting you.

He's doing the punching to intimidate you and threaten you.

He's trying very hard to control you with fear. In your own home.

THROW HIM OUT.

Conniebygaslight · 20/06/2024 08:07

Stop looking for excuses for his behaviour OP. He will hit you and he's giving you every indication that he will. You're looking for reassurance from MN to be able to brush this under the carpet but you wont get it. He sounds horrible and treats you badly. He needs to leave before you're too ground down to stand up for yourself. this will happen.
Contact Women's aid if you're in the UK for anonymous help and support.

CountingCors · 20/06/2024 07:58

It's a bit more than a 'pickle'.

It's not your problem that renting is difficult.

The fact that you don't think he would leave, tells you everything you need to know.

At best you are totally unsuited, and at worst he is abusive. Just end it.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/06/2024 07:54

You sound like a fabulous person. You are far too able and independent for this needy sap. I had a bf like this once, stuck it for six years then left. Never once regretted it.

Toptotoe · 20/06/2024 07:37

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Please stop and read this back to yourself. You can’t stay in an abusive relationship because there is nothing available for him to rent . . . You need to tell him you want him to leave. Give him a deadline then change the locks if he has not gone. Maybe get a solicitor involved.
Aldo, please read ‘women who love too much’. It’s a great book and will help you see why you tolerate this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to be a partner to you.
I wish you well - it’s not easy escaping an abusive relationship but once you do it feels very liberating.

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 07:34

You may need help and support to get him out but you must - if you have no family an friends and don't want to involve the police ask here and people will give you useful pointers

If he wasn't rude aggressive and violent he wouldn't have a housing problem - that's on him not you

I am so sorry you are going through this

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/06/2024 07:32

Wow he's a prince isn't he. If this was your friend what would you be telling her?! If this was a strangers post on MN, what would you think?!
C'mon OP. You can do better than this arsehole.

Bumblebeeinatree · 20/06/2024 07:32

I think you need to be discussing that it's not working out and neither of you are happy rather than the particular row. You need to say that you have to work it out or separate and suggest he looks for somewhere else to live as you can't live like that any more. He's not getting how unhappy he's making you, or he does and he doesn't care.