Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

Do you have a friend or family member who can help to reinforce to him that you want him gone this weekend?

Alternatively, call the police. Have proof that the flat is your home not his and get him out.

The lazy violent cunt telling you what housework to do in your time off and doing fun stuff during his time off would give me the rage.

OP, I was in this exact relationship a few years ago, I could have written your post, the stupid arguments, the fact that you tend to start them, the fact that you give as good as you get - that's all me, and I'm the strongest woman I know.

The minimising, the calling you dramatic and crazy, the blaming you - this will all increase and you will get to the point where you are second guessing yourself and you will wonder if he's right after all. Then you'll start apologising for things that aren't your fault, and it'll get subtly worse until someone points out to you, as we are ALL pointing out to you now, that you need to get out. Mine was a controlling, gaslighting narcissist and I adored him. It took me a while to get out and a long time to get over him, but it was the best thing I did.

If you don't even really love him, you are wasting your time and your life, when you could find someone that you really DO love and who will make your life better instead of punching walls and telling you to clean your own fucking toilet!!!

It doesn't surprise me at all that this is your house.

The problem is that when you tell him to go then you need him to go immediately. There's no point telling a man like this that he has to leave in a month's time. You have to tell him to go. He is abusing you and your home.

Do you have anyone you can ask to come and stay for a few days?

@TheShyRoseZebra

“He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me”

I never thought my exh would be violent until he started punching the wall ( broke his hand once) then he started pushing me , then slapping then punching until I ended up in hospital with a broken arm and concussion.
I never thought he would cheat until he did.
I was sure he loved me . He didn’t .

For God's sake do not have a baby with this man. Don't perpetuate this for another generation.

The punching walls is to scare you. He should have sufficient self-control not to do that, so he is choosing to do it.

And all these arguments that you say you are responsible for are surely a sign of a relationship that is not working out?

There’s a lot of us damaged people about. One of my siblings who was probably most impacted, perpetuated the behaviour in their own relationship. It’s bloody hard to break the cycle.

Do not inflict a nasty violent man on an innocent child.
You have a choice in this.
It is the height of selfish to deliberately, knowingly, have a child with an abusive man when you have a choice not to.
Don't do it.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

Do you do start most of the arguments? Review what you have written here, the current argument is about mayonnaise. First he said you hadn't bought any more and it 'wasn't fair'. Then he said you are a very independent person and never want to do things together. Then you should have texted him to ask if he wanted anything. Then he said you never think about him and don't give a fuck about him. Then he storms off to sleep in a separate room. No communication for two days, refuses to discuss the argument, belittles the way you feel, punches a door and you lock yourself in your room because he frightens you. And you won't get in a car with him because his driving scares you when he's angry, it's meant to.

How did you start that? His behaviour was over the top from the beginning. He's an adult but he thinks managing food supplies is your job and a failure to prioritise his needs every second of the day puts you in the wrong.

You also said he does nothing to help with domestic chores and you think he intentionally leaves his stuff everywhere to piss you off. If you mention this does he blame you for that argument too?

You say you are bewildered and confused and he makes you second guess yourself. I've been there and done that and at the time I felt the way you did but after the relationship ended I realised he invested a lot of energy in manipulating situations to cause arguments he could blame me for. In your example if he'd mentioned the mayonnaise I would have said ok just write it on the shopping list on the wipe board and I'll pick some up next time I'm shopping. Over the course of several days he would have complained about not having other items and each time I would have given the same reply. He would never add the things to the shopping list so eventually I would snap and say for goodness sake just put it on the shopping list, then he would say why do you always have to start an argument!

I didn't spot the pattern at the time and I was very confused about how small issues ended in a big argument.

Its quite a pickle.

It is an awful lot more than that flower.

But what it isn’t is love.

Do you have a male relative or friend who could be at your apartment when you tell your boyfriend to leave? He's abusing you and taking advantage of you. Kick him out today!! Also, imagine him as a father, verbally abusing or threatening your child.

He needs to leave. Sounds like you both bicker, which sounds totally exhausting. Don't have a baby with him, he'll become even more controlling whilst eroding your confidence. Get him to leave whilst your sanity is intact.

He's showing you who he is and you need to believe him.

Please make him leave. This will never improve, he will continue to paint you as the villain and always have you on eggshells.

That you stand up for yourself is irrelevant - you are still living in trepidation of his next outburst.

He claims that he loves you, but he doesn't really or you wouldn't have been able to write such a comprehensive post where pretty much every woman/person reading has felt compelled to tell you to end the relationship.

You aren't married, you don't mention children. Please end things now before you're entangled financially/biologically with someone who treats you with contempt every time you fail to toe the line.

What the actual f*ck??

OP punching & kicking IS violent behaviour and calling you dramatic and crazy is him gaslighting you to make you think that you're always in the wrong & it seems to be working because you're already in denial. He's a controlling narcissist ,you deserve better & you don't have to ask him to leave, you tell him he's leaving.

Why are you wasting your one short, precious life like this?

Yabu to still be calling this waste-of-space a "boyfriend"

He doesn't even like you. He is with you as you are convenient. You are worth more than this. Get rid.

Pack his stuff and leave it outside. Get the locks changed. You then won't have to lock yourself in the bedroom to feel safe.

He is violent. Say to him very calmly before he leaves for work. I need to speak to you this evening about something important.

Then in the evening tell him calmly that the relationship is over. Give him a week to leave with a clear deadline.
I need you to be out of the property by the end of the day on Friday. If he says he has nowhere to go you reply. I’m sorry this is not my problem to solve. A week is fair notice.

He can sofa surf, get a BnB , camp…. Whatever

He's abusive, leave him

We have this trope of the female victim of male abuse - weak, terrified, trapped woman and evil, nasty sadistic brute. But for many women it’s a situation where they feel like the strong partner, holding things together with a man who is a bit weak and needy. That’s why they don’t see the abuse creeping, creeping up until their sense of self is so eroded they can’t think straight.

You sound independent, capable and strong. And you’ve described his weaknesses (his temper gets the better of him), and neediness (how will he find another place to rent?)

Why do you not think you’re worth so much better than a man who delegates scrubbing the loo to you? (It’s awful how those dangling pennies get in the way of housework, poor things)