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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 20/06/2024 11:24

You're not in the wrong. Whatever you think, he could hit you one day. This sounds like early days. I would run.

Reallytwoappointmentsinoneday · 20/06/2024 11:22

Jeez. Who voted YABU!

it’s your apartment. Ring a locksmith. Pack his bags and send him on his way.

he brings no joy to your life. Don’t bother with getting your ducks in a row just chuck him out.

Fleetheart · 20/06/2024 11:14

Work out how he would react if you acted as he does? Would you in all seriousness ever be so rude and nasty? And then ask yourself why you should take this from him? No excuses -and if you lived in his flat would you be so foolish as to be so rude and nasty to the owner of where you lived? Of course not! So why do you let him? He needs to go - and not said in the heat of an argument- said in a calm serious conversation about why it’s not working. Good Luck

lovemycbf · 20/06/2024 11:07

I've just read it's your apartment
Get him to leave and call the police if he refuses

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 20/06/2024 11:07

Jesus OP, stop making excuses for this shit man. He’s so below par it’s unreal.

Chocolateorange22 · 20/06/2024 11:06

You really don't sound compatible, not sure why you are actually still together really?

In regards to the food shops in our house. DH knows when the deliveries turn up. If he needs something he asks me to add it into the app. If he's desperate for it or past the cut off to amend then he goes and buys it himself. I don't think we've actually ever argued about it in fairness. Certainly neither of us would punch a door over it.

lovemycbf · 20/06/2024 11:06

You seriously need to move out away from him he sounds abusive on every level,the silent treatment being just one of many concerns.
You can contact womens aid for help to get away from him.
I mean this kindly he behaviour doesn't show that he loves you and if you stay it will slowly escalate especially if you have children
You need to leave for your own safety

RB68 · 20/06/2024 11:01

whatever this is it is certainly not "your own fault" this is the thinking that you need to stop. As to a last chance for a child - look at alternatives it can be done as a single Mum. Just don't tie yourself to a specific Man to do it

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 11:01

RB68 · 20/06/2024 10:58

He is manipulating you as he knows you are a people pleaser. Sponge onto the toilet - well clearly he knows what to do as he is telling you so instead of making it your job why isn't he doing it? With him on a rd trip - erratic scary driving - bullying and getting you to capitulate and smooth things over by doing as he wants. Food shopping, if there are things he wants he knows where the shops are or alternatively he has a gob (clearly) why doesn't he ask for it on the list next time shopping. Did he transfer Money for the food or you have a shared account for it???

Yeah think I would ditch too. Way too many red flags - can you imagine having kids with him - they would always be your kids and what you wanted so he could have a strop and storm off for his "hobbies"

To be fair, he does most of the shopping and most of the cooking. He never asks for money. He is very generous. I can be very lax in doing my share of the food shop.

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 20/06/2024 11:01

End it, OP.

kab89 · 20/06/2024 10:59

Hi OP. You said in your post that you were scared of him and locked yourself in your room - in your own home. I'm going to guess that he was walking around like charlie big bollocks in your home while you were scared and crying. This is not going to get better - it will get worse. If you stay with him you will eventually give in to him and do what he says, not argue with him because it's easier and you will become a shadow of yourself, changing yourself so that you don't rock the boat. Once he feels that you are "toeing the line" he will up his actions, he may progress to hitting you - he has already shown you that he can be violent by punching doors etc. One day it will not be a door he punches.

These men do not start a relationship with women showing their true self straight away, otherwise nobody would stay with them. They up their actions slowly and over time become more controlling, more violent.

Please OP don't be me, as I was. Get him out of your home and life. I'm now married to a wonderful man who wouldn't even raise his voice to me let alone his fists. Be me as I am now.

RB68 · 20/06/2024 10:58

He is manipulating you as he knows you are a people pleaser. Sponge onto the toilet - well clearly he knows what to do as he is telling you so instead of making it your job why isn't he doing it? With him on a rd trip - erratic scary driving - bullying and getting you to capitulate and smooth things over by doing as he wants. Food shopping, if there are things he wants he knows where the shops are or alternatively he has a gob (clearly) why doesn't he ask for it on the list next time shopping. Did he transfer Money for the food or you have a shared account for it???

Yeah think I would ditch too. Way too many red flags - can you imagine having kids with him - they would always be your kids and what you wanted so he could have a strop and storm off for his "hobbies"

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 10:55

Skyrainlight · 20/06/2024 10:51

Great idea, bring an innocent little child into the situation. Not at all selfish.

As I said above, I am not.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 20/06/2024 10:54

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I would have said exactly the same op, but I was wrong. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't then call the police.

Skyrainlight · 20/06/2024 10:51

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:44

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Great idea, bring an innocent little child into the situation. Not at all selfish.

Skyrainlight · 20/06/2024 10:49

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

You don't think he would go even if you asked him to? Get rid of him immediately! The police can get him to move if he won't. You need to read your own words. He doesn't respect you, you don't even believe you can get him out of your house yet you are justifying staying with him. Crazy. You have been warned by so many people, I would listen if I was you.

Rosesanddaffs · 20/06/2024 10:47

And this isn’t your fault, you are not responsible for the way he behaves

Rosesanddaffs · 20/06/2024 10:45

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:44

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Your life isnt over, I totally understand where you are coming from, as was in the same position many years ago

I am now with a wonderful man who doesn’t scream, swear and shout at me, punch walls/doors throw things or hit me

I had my baby at 42, she was a complete surprise and I’m glad I didn’t settle for the waste of space that I was with

Having a baby is hard and even harder when you are with someone who has temper tantrums, as you both need to pull together and what will he do when the house is a mess or baby won’t settle, will he still punch things?

I wish I could go back and give my younger self a good talking to, I even went through ivf with him and thankfully it didn’t work

Don’t waste your precious life with him, the relief you feel when you walk away is just something else, no more dramas and you live life on your terms xx

Meatymeatytimetoeaty · 20/06/2024 10:38

OP, if you won't ask him to leave right now, just keep in mind all of the advice people have given you on the thread from now on.
But abuse doesn't get better. You've told him it scares you when he punches furniture, and he still does it. So now it's deliberate: he's doing it on purpose. That's not love.
It's a difficult thing to realise the relationship you thought was loving is actually abusive, but you need to put yourself first.

You can still have a relationship after this, or a baby. Chances are you'd be doing all the work yourself while you're in this relationship, why not do it on your own terms?
Better to do it now than 5 years down the line: if he's on the birth certificate you will never be rid of him no matter how bad it gets.

WitchyBits · 20/06/2024 10:28

I know he would never hit me

Mumsnet is FULL of women that have said this and then ended up being physically hurt. There was a point where you genuinely thought he would never punch a door in anger as well. What he is doing is pushing/eradicating your boundaries to attain control of you. He doesn't want you to question him, stand up to him or not do what he says. Sure he's shouting you down and using his temper to make you act differently. To act more suited to his needs/wants/demands.

This man is a controlling abusive mouth breathing bully. He openly resents you and shows this by how he treats you. The blatant lack of respect. His use of intimidating behaviour. If you can't see that then nothing anybody else says on here will save you. Please, get rid of him and save yourself a future of heart ache and fear.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2024 10:16

@TheShyRoseZebra I've been married to someone who has some of these tendencies for 28 years. I'm now 62 but for the last 20 years I would say I walk on egg shells- at your stage I would say end it before things get complicated with houses, kids, businesses etc - it's not a nice way to live- I'm not saying he's an arse all of the time and probably has lots of good qualities too- but the 20% of time when he is an arse will gradually wear you down and you lose 'you' - with regards to him renting- ok there might not be much where you are, so he will have to look in a wider area- long term it's his issue-don't let his issue become your issue. I think guys like this become more controlling, not less - as someone else said I think the problem is that he likes independence himself but doesn't like it in you- just caring about someone and not wanting to hurt them isn't enough long term- compatability in living habits and not feeling on edge isa huge thing

rainfordays · 20/06/2024 09:51

Motnight · 19/06/2024 21:23

He is abusive and trying to assert his dominance, Op. You sound like a fabulous person. You might not be ready to be told this yet, but you need to leave him

Nailed it.

Leave, it won't ever get any better. He'll just keep making you wrong about everything and blaming you for his shitty behaviour and childish tantrums and for not allowing the world to revolve around HIM.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 20/06/2024 09:48

You could be a wonderful mother on your own. Having a baby via sperm donor.

You would be a poor mother with him. Allowing the cycle of generational abuse to continue.

I feel like you have traded your abusive father for an abusive boyfriend. You don't have to live your life at the whim of abusive men moods and angry outbursts over ridiculous things. There is a much more peaceful existence out there.

Please consider going to therapy. There is a lot for you to unravel here.

Plantheads5 · 20/06/2024 09:33

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 09:25

I will not. I know this.

Thank god.

Far, Far better to have a baby by donor than with an abusive man that you will be at the mercy of for 18 years.
MN is full of such stories and huge regret for ignoring red flags.
Get this arsehole out of your home.

ttcat37 · 20/06/2024 09:27

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:44

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Jesus, I thought you were 19 or something.
I feel for you but please don’t bring a baby into a household where their father is punching doors, ignoring their mother when she cries and manipulating her. You are better off leaving him and getting a sperm donor who won’t ruin your child’s life.

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