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AIBU?

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Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
YourWildAmberSloth · 20/06/2024 12:49

Do not stay with him and do not bring a child into this mess. You can have him forcibly removed if need be, he will find somewhere else to live and if he doesn't, that is not your problem. This relationship has so many red flags and warning signs, you really need to leave, spend some time alone working on yourself with counselling. You deserve better.

Lucytheloose · 20/06/2024 12:40

The punching and kicking of things is not that regular

It shouldn't be happening at all! And in most relationships, it doesn't.

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 20/06/2024 12:29

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 10:55

As I said above, I am not.

If you are serious about having a child and you want to do it in a supportive, safe, non-abusive relationship, you don't have unlimited time to waste in a relationship that is none of these things.

caringcarer · 20/06/2024 12:29

Normal men don't go around punching doors or sulking like a child for days on end. He sounds vile and controlling. Bin him off and look for a nice man who wants to share his future with you.

Eviebeans · 20/06/2024 12:26

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I felt very sad when I started reading this and by the end felt very angry on your behalf
He sounds awful- as if he is using you - for housing etc
He’s absolutely taking the piss when he causes damage to your property- he is doing that to scare you and make you back down.

do you love him- do you feel loved by him?
you think he wouldn’t hit you - don’t test that theory
it is not your responsibility to make sure he is housed - don’t ask him to leave tell him

ImNotReallySpartacus · 20/06/2024 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm inclined to agree. You are 42, not 22. You are not married to this man, he is not your tenant, you can kick him out if you choose to.

Mylovelygreendress · 20/06/2024 12:18

@Bearwithgreenhair
Seriously ??
Speechless.

Gillbil · 20/06/2024 12:14

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:16

Thanks for the responses and your kind concern. I honestly feel very, very shocked. I never discuss these stupid arguments with friends because they are always over the most ridiculous things and get wildly overblown and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. To have myself perceived as a victim of domestic abuse is absolutely shocking to me. It’s a strange one. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

To have him call me dramatic and crazy when we argue and to minimize my feelings makes me second guess myself.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

And there are shades of grey. No one is all bad and if that were the case it would be so easy to just say get out of my life.

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

I just find it so difficult to relate to his way of thinking and his way of communicating, and for him its the same. He doesn’t understand my logic. Its just a toxic situation thats difficult for me to resolve. I don’t want to hurt him. And I want him to be alright and happy.

.....he is violent. He's just not physically with his abuse.

Yes it's terrible when ppl have terrible childhoods, and very unfair..... but that's what therapy is for.
Anyone who hides behind their abuse by saying how hard they have it so don't leave, and do what I tell you- are shit heads.
Also he could be lying about the horrors of their childhood, to get away with the horrors he inflicts.

Maybe you won't have a biological child, but you can adopt, foster. Your age isn't stopping you from having a family.
But he is, if by your own words you wouldn't bring a child into this world with this man..
I think you should look at the Freedom project, and look at support irl
LTB goodluck

Edit to add-
When someone doesn't punch your body, but will punch things near you, its a form of intimidation, and self protection so he can't be arrested.

Also how often do you instigate arguments when your waiting in line at the checkout, or instigate an argument with you friends during a relaxing meetup?!
If no to either- You are not instigating anything! Your boundaries were violated and you reacted.
Its normal-The same thing happens when someone touches something extremely hot, like fire, your body will flinch away.
Don't suppress this, see it and allow yourself to realise the guy is a danger to you

Roseyjane · 20/06/2024 12:10

I’m actually not sure I agree you’re in a dv situation, I think you’re in a toxic one of both your making.

Bearwithgreenhair · 20/06/2024 12:05

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Cantbesure · 20/06/2024 11:59

I felt the same. I was a strong, argumentative woman. I was the bread winner. I didn't see myself as a victim or as being abused. I thought he loved me more than needed me etc. getting him to leave was the best decision I've made in my life. But the post you have shared shows a different story. A man who shouts at you for not buying mayo! Tells you to clean the loo (a normal response would be to clean a dirty loo, not tell someone else to do it), punching walls to intimidate you. I'm sure there are lots more you haven't shared.

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2024 11:57

Ok went back snd read the whole thread.

OP: you need to do the freedom program. You need therapy. You need support to get him to leave.

You only aren’t frightened of his violence because your childhood forced you to become dead to fear in order to survive. You are a conniseur of msle violence and spite. This man is do familiar to you that you can think you can predict and manage him. And the few places he deviates from good ol’ dad you cherish him for. He’s generous with the food shopping? Oh my stars snd garters what a catch!

Here are some book recommendations:

Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

The Body Keeps The Score

The ACOA Trauma handbook (sorry can’t recall the right title)

you must find the strength to kick this man out. Paint snd decorate your flat and your soul at the same time. Take care of yourself lovingly.

Elphamouche · 20/06/2024 11:56

You don’t ask him to leave.

you pack his stuff when he’s at work (then he can’t say you don’t do anything for him!!) and you tell him to get the FUCK away from you. Leave his stuff outside.

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:54

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 11:50

OP isn't ready to hear it yet, she needs more time to process what's happening and she can't see the red flags in her post. She's at that point where she is scared of having disclosed and is pulling back.

OP, don't commit to anything with him at this point. You need to buy yourself some time and space. Have a look at this link;
The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I agree. It's just so frustrating knowing that we can see what kind of future she'll have with him.

Sossijiz · 20/06/2024 11:54

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:21

Well in truth I don’t think he would take me seriously if I asked him to leave. Because during almost every argument I try to break up and during a few arguments I have shouted at him to ‘just leave’. I am the girl who cried wolf.

You don't have to ask him, just wait until he goes out for the day, get the locks changed and notify him by text message that he doesn't live with you any more. Enlist a friend to put his belongings in a van and deliver them to his mum/his best mate's house/a storage unit (tell him you have paid for a fortnight's storage and it will be the last thing you ever do for him). The key is to present him with a fait accompli rather than be drawn into a discussion, because yes, this is a decision you can make without his agreement.

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 11:50

OP isn't ready to hear it yet, she needs more time to process what's happening and she can't see the red flags in her post. She's at that point where she is scared of having disclosed and is pulling back.

OP, don't commit to anything with him at this point. You need to buy yourself some time and space. Have a look at this link;
The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:50

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 11:01

To be fair, he does most of the shopping and most of the cooking. He never asks for money. He is very generous. I can be very lax in doing my share of the food shop.

Stop blaming yourself for his abusive behaviour

Flopsythebunny · 20/06/2024 11:48

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Open your eyes woman. he's abusive, it will get worse, you'll get so used to it that you'll think it's normal, then you'll be trapped.
Pack all his stuff up whilst he's out and text him a time to pick it up from outside. If he starts shouting and punching doors, call 999

pikkumyy77 · 20/06/2024 11:45

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

Holy shit this is bad.

MarkWithaC · 20/06/2024 11:40

He is violent. So far he's 'only' punched doors, not you. So far.
He's abusive. Get him to leave. I don't know the legalities of who owns/pays for your house, but can you lawfully change the locks while he's away and refuse him access?

Shan5474 · 20/06/2024 11:38

I think you need to forget about the food shopping issue. This isn’t an emotionally safe relationship, which is what you deserve. He may very well love you, but he is emotionally abusive and can’t keep his temper under control.

With kindness, there’s a good chance that this relationship feels familiar to you because it’s similar to your parents, and when you were young your subconscious mind learnt that this must be what love looks and feels like.

This man is absolutely not your last chance for happiness, you have options in terms of having the baby/family you crave, and if you stay in this relationship you will simply be repeating the past

Bollindger · 20/06/2024 11:35

I feel so sorry for you, that your willing to settle for so little, yet think he is a good man.
We only know what you said but 100% of us know he is a bad, nasty controlling man.
Scared when he drives.
Is violent, yes it is a walk, but that is still violent.
He is out a lot, because he doesn't love you.
Orders you around, like a slave not a lover.
Doesn't sleep in your bed, not a lover.
You deserve better.

MissingMoominMamma · 20/06/2024 11:33

Poor bloke had no mayo? Diddums.

Honestly, does he bring much that is positive to your life?

taylorswift1989 · 20/06/2024 11:30

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

He is a violent person. He kicks and punches doors to intimidate you. He gives you the silent treatment. He tries to control you. You're scared of him.

The fact that you think this is love is worrying. He doesn't love you.

Kick him out, get some counselling for yourself. You can't go on living this way.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 20/06/2024 11:26

This is classic domestic abuse. Please make him leave. It's the only way you can protect yourself.

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