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AIBU?

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Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Nanna61 · 21/06/2024 18:39

Time to say goodbye 👋

MMUmum · 21/06/2024 18:37

You sleep separately, he spends his days,off on his own, he kicks off when you haven't done the shopping, he wants a housekeeper not a relationship, get him.out of there then use your diy skills to fix the door he punched a hole in and enjoy the peace and quiet

DelilahBucket · 21/06/2024 18:33

My ex started with hitting things and throwing things, then the things were being thrown AT me, then it got much worse. He also wouldn't leave despite the house being mine and he had somewhere he could go. I had to trick him to leave in the end. Get out of this relationship now OP.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/06/2024 18:29

He is violent.

Punching stuff when you show you're upset or you don't just leave him alone to sulk... is a demonstration of his aggression and his physical ability to be violent.

He isn't punching you - yet. But the implication is, he could.

There are so many red flags here but the 'but he is a nice person some of the time' is a huge one.

He will seem like he is a nice person when he is simply NOT being an awful person. He wouldn't have to do very much at all if he is spectacularly (and he IS) horrid a lot of the time - simply doing the shopping, cooking a meal, inviting you to come to X or join in with Y , will seem like wonderful things in contrast to the horrid bits.

He is not a nice person. If he was, he would not behave this way.

Ask him to leave, not in the heat of an argument, but calmly and firmly, 'this is over, I want you to leave'.

WingingItFTM · 21/06/2024 18:29

Just because you say you also have toxic traits isn’t a reason to stay. You don’t owe him anything. You ending the relationship doesn’t have to be ‘fair’ - it just has to be right for you.

i thought similarly to you and now i’m stuck in a relationship with an abusive man and a young child - i’m trying to get out but so much harder now. I wish someone had given me the advice you’re getting now.

it’s not too late to start over! Be kind to yourself x

Pussycat22 · 21/06/2024 18:18

Do you really want to live like this, treading on eggshells? You are a fool to put up with it. Yes it's hard to get rid and it's scary but eventually you will find peace ,self respect and will wonder why the hell you have tolerated this vile man's behaviour. Stop being a doormat. x

Ilovecleaning · 21/06/2024 18:12

I am sorry you are experiencing this, OP.
Listen to the voice of experience 🌺
Please note: MEN GET WORSE.
Get out while you can.

DiduAye · 21/06/2024 18:08

You can tell him to leave and if he won't call the Police tell them you are suffering domestic abuse because you are and they will come and remove him I had to do that with my husband It was my home and he had no claim on it

FOXYMORON1707 · 21/06/2024 17:38

Goodness what a horrible man get out asap. Disrespectful arrogant abuser that he is.

AppropriateAdult · 20/06/2024 20:18

OP, I've been with my now husband for almost 18 years.

Do you know the number of times he has punched a wall in anger? Zero.

The number of times I've had to lock myself in another room during an argument with him? Also zero.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is really, really far from what happens in a normal, healthy relationship. Sometimes this is difficult to see from the inside.

And he is violent. Punching an inanimate object because you can't control your aggression during a row with somebody is violence, and it will only get worse.

PriscillaPresssley · 20/06/2024 18:54

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 13:01

Thanks all.

Shocked by the responses. I think I will maybe try to speak to a therapist about things. There are shades of grey and there is nuance in every situation, that obviously can’t be conveyed in a couple of posts on here. He is not an out and out villain. We are both toxic in our behaviors at times. He obviously does have a lot of good traits otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

And to the person who posted about me sounding annoying (post removed), in a way I agree, I can be a total f’ing nightmare.

I get this, and I think that while everyone is posting in your best interests, it's overwhelming to hear all the "phone the police and pack his stuff up" views. For clarity they probably aren't wrong but I dont think you're ready to hear it so baldly.

So I'm going to come from another perspective...you don't sound happy and neither does he. Everyone has silly arguments, god knows I've been married 32 years and have felt like lamping him on occasion.

But you sound like the bad is worse than the good. He sleeps separately in the huff quite often, you say he loves you more than you love him. The daft arguments don't end well. We would end up a bad argument huffing for a while and then one of us begrudgingly starting a normal conversation, punching doors and driving erratically isn't normal.

So if you can't get your head round he is an abuser leave the bastard, just boil it down to are we actually happy?

And if nothing else good comes out of your posting this today.....NEXT time you see him having a paddy like a toddler at least remember what everyone here is saying and think about it.

I know you're going to say its you who are a nightmare also and I would answer, yes but if you both aren't happy together then time to end it.

Wishing you well

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 20/06/2024 16:57

My ex used to drive really fast to scare me when we argued. He escalated to threatening to drive us off the road. I’m still terrified of driving over hills and I have panic attacks as a passenger for no reason at all, even though this is 14 years on:

He’s punching things to scare you. He is definitely going to hit you one day.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 20/06/2024 16:54

He is not a bad person Good men don’t frighten their partners because they can’t control their anger. He is not violent Err, yes he is. He might not be hitting you yet, but he is violent. He would never cheat That’s the bare minimum. He doesn’t get credit for that. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me What he deserves is a night in a police cell the next time he kicks off.

I was very afraid of my father and his angry outbursts and never knowing what would prompt them. He was very belittling and scary, but never violent Are you seeing any similarities between your mum’s relationship with your dad and your relationship with your DP. Because it seems very clear to me that you have chosen your dad in another body to be your partner. Lots of women do it. I certainly have. And I didn’t even recognise it.

So I know what it is to live in fear. This is not the same for me. I don’t feel afraid living with him. Well no, because you’re an adult now and you were a child then. I don’t suppose your mum felt afraid of living with your dad. After all, he was never violent, was he?

He reminds me how he lived with that in his life as a kid and he would never do that Well he is doing exactly that, isn’t he? He’s making you frightened with his rage. And I know you’ve said you won’t be having a child with him, but if you did, they would be just as scared of him as you were of your dad. And so the cycle repeats itself.

Please don’t let this go. If you do, I promise you that you will wake up one day and realise that you have turned into your mum and you are living your mum’s life. Do it now before he wears you down into getting pregnant or getting married and you’re too frightened to leave him because it will mean leaving your child with him, where you can’t protect them, and losing half your home.

getsomehelp · 20/06/2024 16:49

Don't worry about throwing him out he can go & sleep on one if his multiple climbing/road trip/free spirited mate's sofa
Ditch the idiot.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 20/06/2024 16:29

Just because he's not literally the worst man in the world doesn't mean you should stay with him. He's still a bad guy.

taylorswift1989 · 20/06/2024 15:22

He is not an out and out villain.

He doesn't have to be. The stereotype of a violent, abusive man being a thug who is 24/7 horrible is just that - a stereotype.

Abusive and violent men, when they're not being abusive and violent, might be loving, kind, fun to be with, witty, intelligent and so on. It's just a mask they wear, to draw you in and keep you in a relationship.

But none of that is enough to stop the effects of violence and abuse on your body and mind.

He's highly likely to hit you. I have no idea why you're so confident that he won't. He has no problem showing you he's violent, no problem scaring you, no problem disrespecting you. What's going to stop him from hitting you?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/06/2024 14:11

You say he's punched a door, drives dangerously bullies and mocks you
Get rid He is dangerous and is heading towards physical violence
They always do, trust me on that

J0S · 20/06/2024 13:55

Please read this book OP, it’s free online here or you can buy it on Amazon .

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up

This will explain lots of things you are confused about, like why your partner “ loses control “ and punches the wall, why he gives you a list of chores to do on your day off, why his driving is scary, why he often sleeps in the other room.

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 13:51

He's well and truely got you hasn't he, you thinking he's as much a problem as you

You are not punching things

He is not trying to fix things

He's not doubting himself and accepting responsibility for his words and their effect on you whilst you blame yourself for his response to you

Oh this is so hard for you - yes speak to others - you will gradually accept this and be ready to move on ( and up !)

Bumblebeestiltskin · 20/06/2024 13:49

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:44

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Christ, PLEASE don't have a child with this person - you'll be repeating your own childhood for them.

LividLove · 20/06/2024 13:41

I had a husband like this. Also shocked to hear from others that he was abusive. I was trying to fix him and he was having a hard time and blah blah.

Honestly, being out of it was such a relief.

Re having a family. If you haven't had one with him by 42 then it isn't happening that way.

Biologically, you have a tiny chance of getting pregnant NOW with your own eggs. Ditch the violent man, find a sperm donor through a clinic and have your own baby. Realistically they'll advise you use donor eggs at 42, which will give you approx a 50% chance of success per cycle.

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 13:36

@TheShyRoseZebra Listen up - its not that he is an out an out villain. Its that there are enough red flags that its time to stop ignoring them.

His behaviour is confusing - he accuses you of never wanting to do anything together but on his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. and he sleeps separately.
He makes you scared by aggressively driving.
He punches things (displaced aggression).
He does things intentionally to piss you off then shuts you down when you talk about how you feel.
When you get frustrated and start to cry he belittles you.

He isn't making you feel good. He makes you feel confused. Scared. And like you can't get rid of him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/06/2024 13:15

Take your blinkers off, and see it for what it is
Stop making excuses for him and his behaviour

He may not be an out and out villain - no one said he is

BUT

he is violent

AND

he WILL HIT YOU

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 20/06/2024 13:09

I hope you wake up to the truth soon OP, but before he hits you and blames you for it.

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 13:01

Thanks all.

Shocked by the responses. I think I will maybe try to speak to a therapist about things. There are shades of grey and there is nuance in every situation, that obviously can’t be conveyed in a couple of posts on here. He is not an out and out villain. We are both toxic in our behaviors at times. He obviously does have a lot of good traits otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

And to the person who posted about me sounding annoying (post removed), in a way I agree, I can be a total f’ing nightmare.

OP posts:
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