Today we tried to discuss everything. I told him I am angry that he has not apologized for the original argument, for the follow up argument when I was trying to discuss it, for telling me to shut up when I was talking in that ‘small little victim voice’, for the wall punching, minimizing, stonewalling.
He was bewildered and flabbergasted. He said the original argument was so ridiculous and he didn’t feel the need to say sorry. He doesn’t ever say sorry, he said it means nothing to him, its just words. If I want him to say the words he will, but he doesn’t feel it.
As regards the punching of walls, he was also absolutely shocked that this could be considered abusive, threatening or scary. He said the absolute minimum is that he wants me to feel safe in my own house. He reiterated that he would never ever hurt me. He was shocked that I feel scared in these moments, as he doesn’t do it in the same room as me, he walks to another room, and its just letting off steam. He said for where he grew up it is normal.
I was reflecting on something someone said about repeating patterns from childhood situations and someone else who said pay attention…is it really me who starts things?So I have been paying more attention to my feelings and reactions the past few days.
Making dinner together last night, I was hyper aware of trying to keep the peace. Not reacting to his hostile snapping when he got stressed, the tone he uses when telling me to do something, stir something etc. I did recognize that I am walking on eggshells around him a bit. Stupid shit like when he cooks me food, I was for a microsecond hesitant to put salt/pepper on it, it case he snapped at me. I spilled a bit of wine and was worried he would have a go at me and there would be another row or negative atmosphere. And then realizing how ridiculously stupid that is. Incidentally he did not have a go at me about either thing. So my pattern is conflict avoidance to a certain extent, realizing how fucked up that is and then usually totally kicking off to defend myself. Then I inevitably get the blame for being the angry one, when all he has done is cooked me a lovely meal.
I explained this to him today and how I grew up in a house like that and I don’t want it again. He said that its a problem from my past, its is not reality, its baggage. He said that he can think that he is a donkey, but he will never be a donkey despite how much he thinks he is because its just not reality. He denys talking to me in a short/snappy way and says I am way too sensitive, its a problem of interpretation, and how I take things is wrong.
Its bewildering to me how two people can have the same conversation or lived experience and a completely different interpretation/perspective of what is happening.
He finally apologized by text this evening.