Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

Run. Run now. There are so many red flags waving here. And do it quietly without telling him. I worry this will escalate when he knows he won't be able to control you.

He said that its a problem from my past, its is not reality, its baggage. He said that he can think that he is a donkey, but he will never be a donkey despite how much he thinks he is because its just not reality. He denys talking to me in a short/snappy way and says I am way too sensitive, its a problem of interpretation, and how I take things is wrong.

He is gaslighting you.

He's incredibly controlling. He feels the need to control your reality, right down to how you perceive the things that are happening to YOU. He knows he snaps and shouts at you, but he wants you to believe that you're imagining it. He knows his behaviour is aggressive and violent, but he wants you to believe that it's normal.

Please get out of this relationship. He is terrifying. Your update is so upsetting.

"Thing is, they push it and push it until you start to snap back, then they go into loving mode and reel you back in. You're so relieved that things are back to "normal" that it feels wonderful. At last he's beginning to get it! It'll all be better from now on! And then the cycle starts again. (Google "cycle of abuse", it's a well known phenomenon.) This time he knows he's pushed a bit too far and he needs to work harder at hauling you back into line, hence going to the unprecedented lengths of using the S-word by text. You think, it's hard for him to apologise, but he's learning. No, he's just using another tool from the Abuser's Handset. When I divorced it was quite pathetic to see XH pressing all the usual manipulative buttons one after another, but now the buttons were entirely worn out and didn't work any more. Mind you that took 25 years. You don't have to wait that long!"

This should ring alarm bells, as should many other words of wisdom on here.
If possible don't be alone with him when you tell him he needs to move on. If you can have someone to stay with you so much the better.

Get out. Or get him out. Please.

Why I heavens name are you still living with this selfish person. Partnerships should be more equal than that. He needs to learn to live with other people.a D grow up. YOU Are NOT His Mother

My ex was like that. Then his emotional abuse became physical abuse. Please get rid of him. He's using you as a free '50s housewife and it really never ends well.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy. Its very unequal with you doing all the house work. This will never improve and only get worse. The pettiness he is showing you will only get worse and you will start to resent him big time. You should think carefully on whether this is a relationship you wish to remain in. Personally I would end it and ask him to leave. Its not your problem if there is very little to rent. He's a big boy, that's his problem.

I left mine not when I got the strength together to leave, but when I ran out of the strength to hold it all together. We were married and had DC so it was more complicated than your situation. There was just enough of "myself" left to make it happen, and it certainly wasn't easy. XH was so shocked when he realised I really wasn't going back into my box, it would have been funny except that my sense of humour had fallen down the back of the sofa some time previously, I wasn't even sure when, I just realised one day that I hadn't laughed at anything in ages.

Thing is, they push it and push it until you start to snap back, then they go into loving mode and reel you back in. You're so relieved that things are back to "normal" that it feels wonderful. At last he's beginning to get it! It'll all be better from now on! And then the cycle starts again. (Google "cycle of abuse", it's a well known phenomenon.) This time he knows he's pushed a bit too far and he needs to work harder at hauling you back into line, hence going to the unprecedented lengths of using the S-word by text. You think, it's hard for him to apologise, but he's learning. No, he's just using another tool from the Abuser's Handset. When I divorced it was quite pathetic to see XH pressing all the usual manipulative buttons one after another, but now the buttons were entirely worn out and didn't work any more. Mind you that took 25 years. You don't have to wait that long!

For the record, XH was never a wall puncher and never turned violent. He favoured passive aggression and plausible deniability. That doesn't make him a nicer person than my dad, who wasn't above beating two little girls until they couldn't sit down, which he thought was reasonable discipline. But I thought it did.

Leave. Leave now. Way too many red flags here. 🚩

You say there are shades of grey and you're attached to him and you want him to be all right, etc. I felt all those things, and I came to the conclusion that this is exactly why abusive relationships are the absolute worst kind of aggression. The abusive party sprinkles their shitty treatment of you with enough perfume that you're no longer sure when you're smelling perfume and when you're smelling shit. And they force you to make the heartbreaking decision of throwing out all the good things along with the bad if you dump them. Abusive relationships are truly cruel, most of all the way that they force you to experience great loss. You can get out, but at the cost of breaking your own heart and second-guessing yourself and lots of other nasty emotions.

I'm so glad that coercive control is now a crime in the UK.

OP, I'm sorry, but you're in denial. You're also very reluctant to see yourself as being in an abusive relationship, but you shouldn't be, because let's place the blame where it belongs - on the person doing the abusing. Also, the strongest women are conned into accepting a man's bullying. It happens very gradually and is punctuated by wonderful times.

God, so many men are just awful. My father was a violent, abusive bully and I married a one too. My experience was a slight improvement over the previous generation as he didn't hit me. He was just permanently angry with me, refused to speak to me frequently and for long periods of time, would hit things, constantly shouted and swore, and eventually left me because I gained weight. Also he became so very angry with me all the time for nothing, that I truly feared he would hit me.

But he was also insanely loving and generous in between being a horrendous bully, and he was romance itself before we married and moved in together.

They hide it well.

I wish for every woman to live in a relationship with no aggression. Too many women do not experience that.

Whether any of those traits are regular or not they will become more regular overtime. You are not his minion. Relationships are about give and take. Do not let him keep taking. I would move on as quickly as i could. Take care OP 💐

Pan out and see the overall picture here:

You didn't buy enough mayo so he insulted you, mimicked you, decried your independence, and aggressively punched a door.

Really sorry you're stuck with someone like this, OP. So many people are stuck in bad relationships. I was for years. It seems to me that at least half the relationships that exist, shouldn't. Being single is so, so much better than putting up with this shit.

Sorry OP, I'm repeating a lot of good advice but this is a real sliding doors moment in your life. Whilst it's daunting, you need to take in the depth (and sadly lived experience) of the advice you're being given. He's an absolute disgrace, even down to apologising by text.

"Flabbergasted" my arse.
How dim does he obviously think you are?
He is clearly gaslighting you to believe his violence is imaginary and any problem you have with it is YOUR issue anyway.

Clearly it is convenient to live in your home.
If you choose to believe his bullshit "surprise" that his violent abuse of you is wrong, then that IS on you.
It is very clear you know you are nervous of him, walk on shells, just like you were growing up.

He has apologised by text to shut you up.
.
You are 100% an abused women living with a violent bully.
But if that is all you think you deserve, no one can help you.
I certainly hope you do not have children with this violent abuse.
That you were trying to do so and replicate your own abusive childhood is so sad.
Parents trying for children usually want the best childhood for a prospective child, certainly better than their own if it wasn't great, and strive to provide that.

He is gaslighting you. Acting as if your concerns aren’t real. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. Ask your self what percentage of the time are you happy with him and what percentage are you unhappy, stressed, on edge. Please get out while you can.

He is a donkey! the fact he was flabbergasted speaks volumes. I also urge you to ask him to leave, and if you are in any doubt, see if you can spend a week or so (or even less) with someone who treats you well and respectfully. Realise that this is normal. I was in a similar situation as you and this is one thing that actually opened my eyes to his awful behaviour. He used to be really off with me if I dropped a drink or anything like that. It’s really not ok. It’s time for him to go. Please listen to what people are saying.

Haven’t RTWT so apologies if these points have already been made. The door/ wall hitting is abusive and made me wonder if that’s why you do so much DIY?

Additionally IMO his driving becoming scary is another red flag and form of abuse…

Despite what he says about not realising his behaviour is scary it does feel like he is trying to scare you…

Saying he's never hurt you, girl it's he's not hurt you yet, can't you see what's happening here. To him, you didn't preform to your duties as the women this week. Flu neglected him. So he's emotionally abused you. With silence. Look at you, questioning yourself now, are you the problem. He's then pinched a wall.... bravo. 👏🏼 you're scared, confused and trying to reason with yourself well, he'd never hurt me. When it's more of the case of he hasn't hurt you yet! So please please please, done waste your time, youth and energy on this person a moment longer. LEAVE HIM before the next thing he punches is you.

Why can't you see whatvthe rest of us are seeing. Its your flat so tell him to go. Have a friend present when you do or family because you said you don't think he'll go. Pack his stuff and send him on his way. This is fast turning into a control situation you need to extract yourself out of now

This is one of those occasions where ‘he is showing you exactly who he is - believe him’.
He doesn’t sound very nice OP, you sound too good for him.
I’d make plans to leave if I were you. He probably won’t like it, so I’d get some support from friends/family/womens aid first; you need to leave safely.

The scary driving is a very very common feature I. Abusive controlling men

Get him to leave. It will only ever get worse..

You are now wilfully refusing to see what’s happening here. I’m worried. I’m worried at how you level blame at yourself, and how you try to make out you give as good as you get.

He uses fear to keep you in line.

You know how you sound to me, @TheShyRoseZebra?
You sound like somebody who’d jump at a cat walking by or a breeze blowing the curtains.
After your last post you sound not like a woman who’s afraid she’ll be beaten — but a woman who’s afraid she’ll be beaten again.
I imagine you as very thin and gaunt with dark circles under your eyes and wearing all black and going barefoot so you won’t make a sound. You sound resigned to your life as it is.
And one thing that stood out to me that I’ve experienced myself was being in a car with an angry man — it’s terrifying, isn’t it? Their sheer recklessness and speed and what always got me was that he cared so little for my life when he drove like that. He put so little value on my life. Well, he put no value on my life at all.
I wish you well. And I send you love. ❤️

The “its just baggage “ thing and the donkey metaphor are absurd denials of your experience. And its pretty rich coming from a man who punches walls as normal because if his childhood experiences. You told him something important about your life and he dismissed it as not real. Then you asked him to change his behavior and he told you it came from his childhood and couldn’t be changed.

Stop negotiating against yourself. He is a terrible person and he has no intention of changing.