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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not checking in when away

110 replies

Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 21:11

DH is away overnight with work for the first time since I had DC1 6 weeks ago. He left this morning but hasn’t checked in with me all day. He’s out with clients this evening. Our DC is very colicky and it’s a nightmare settling them, so I thought he might at least send a quick message. AIBU?

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:40

If he's been dealing with a screaming baby every night for 6 weeks then maybe he just wants to sit in silence in his hotel room without ping ping ping every 2 mins. I know I would.
So the OP is meant to suck it up and deal with the screaming baby without as much as a single message from her husband?

Revelatio · 19/06/2024 23:40

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My husband always texts me when away, as I do to him (although have to admit I sometimes get carried away and forget as I leave my phone in my bag and he’s much more consistent!). We did this without children. Even tonight, he was only out for a few hours and asked how we all were at home.

I guess it depends on your relationship, and your relationship with your phone. My husband and I usually check news/sport/emails on our phones when our so it’s not any extra effort to text each other to see how we’re getting on.

TaylorBrown · 19/06/2024 23:39

I mean maybe he's just enjoying the peace. Don't take it to heart. If he's been dealing with a screaming baby every night for 6 weeks then maybe he just wants to sit in silence in his hotel room without ping ping ping every 2 mins. I know I would.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 19/06/2024 23:36

Well I would message him and tell him you know he is having a busy time but you are disappointed that he hasn't been in touch because it would have been nice to feel supported.

Twotimesrhymes · 19/06/2024 23:35

I totally feel for you op

he is showing he doesn’t really care (two seconds is all it takes to send a love heart emoji or anything at all)

make sure to factor in some time for yourself soon to get out and have some late night shopping or a swim or meet a friend very regularly!!!!

StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:32

Send him a whatsapp asking him if he has forgotten that you exist?
That's what I would do.

Original poster
Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 23:31

I’m not sure if or how to bring it up with him either?

OP posts:
Lillieloola · 19/06/2024 23:17

The witching hours are bloody awful early evening until midnight. My children were born long before texting was normal. I just got on with it but understand your frustration! Husband pissed off skiing 24 years ago and still feel bloody resentful years later!!!

Original poster
Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 23:15

I don’t think we need to be in constant contact either but he knew I was dreading/nervous about this evening. I just hoped we might have crossed his mind 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Blessedbethefruitz · 19/06/2024 23:15

I'm sorry for you. Our first was a cmpa baby - swimming/flight ear plugs help take the edge off the screams.

I'm the working away parent, and evenings are in my tech field a jolly. I check in often, particularly in the evenings (by message to not disturb anyone), it's not hard. People are quick to forget how bewildering and scary it can be the first times alone, especially with a screamy baby, and especially so early on.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/06/2024 23:13

I really don't think not getting a message for one night is that big of a deal
If he was away for a week, yes, but he's out working for one night

Maybe text him and say "hope everything is going well, baby is fine. See you tomorrow" and then make it clear you expect to hear from him when he's away

Some people don't think they need to be in constant contact

Original poster
Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 23:11

@saraclara Im ‘coping’ fine in the sense that we’re both alive and well, but it’s a looong evening with a screaming baby and I’m already feeling quite all over the place emotionally, because I’ve just had a baby?

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 19/06/2024 23:09

Of course he should have texted, it takes a minute. So many mumsnetters won't leave their baby overnight until they are in secondary school and dad not checking in on 6 week old baby is weird and not nice

Everythingiscalmfornow · 19/06/2024 23:09

saraclara · 19/06/2024 23:02

Good grief. How did we manage before mobile phones?

He's at work. He's not on a jolly or on holiday. And you're a grown up.

"Grown ups" benefit from knowing they are loved as much as children and adolescents.
It sounds as though you think when you are "grown up" you are supposed to be hard as nails with no feelings.
Just because OP would like to hear from her DH doesn't mean she isn't coping.

StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:07

@saraclara
Did your cheap shot at the op give you joy??

DaniMontyRae · 19/06/2024 23:06

saraclara · 19/06/2024 23:02

Good grief. How did we manage before mobile phones?

He's at work. He's not on a jolly or on holiday. And you're a grown up.

People used landlines, or before that phone boxes. Hope that helps.

I doubt very much he's been working the entire time so much that he couldn't even send his wife a message. He could do that in less time than it takes the kettle to boil.

Sugarfish · 19/06/2024 23:05

Does it matter if we managed before mobile phones? We have them now and it’s made life easier. It takes less than a minute to send a text. It’s just a nice thing to do for your wife who is on her own for the first time with a new baby.

user3344556 · 19/06/2024 23:05

pikkumyy77 · 19/06/2024 23:01

How low is the bar for men? Of course he should have checked snd expressed moral support.

Yes. And it's funny how in being willing to get that bar as low as possible, so many women are happy to tell other women they're overly needy for expecting the man to do basic human interaction.

It's a long evening alone with a colicky baby. If my spouse couldn't be bothered to care enough to check in for at least a little moral support, he could fuck right off.

YANBU @Swiftie90

Hope the baby settles and you all get some sleep.

Original poster
Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 23:05

He’s ‘at work’ entertaining clients in a nice restaurant though? Not slaving away at a desk or in a frontline job.

And when not on mat leave we do a similar job! I know I have time to send a quick message. In fact I would have said to my clients, first night away from my baby, just need to check in etc etc. These clients knew I was pregnant and they sent a gift when DC was born

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:03

@saraclara
There were landlines. See my post above.

saraclara · 19/06/2024 23:02

Good grief. How did we manage before mobile phones?

He's at work. He's not on a jolly or on holiday. And you're a grown up.

Original poster
Swiftie90 · 19/06/2024 23:02

He knows that DC basically screams from 5pm until 10pm and I was dreading the evening so I’m disappointed he hasn’t checked that we’re ok. I feel like I would have done that, if it was me that was away

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/06/2024 23:01

How low is the bar for men? Of course he should have checked snd expressed moral support.

StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:01

When my eldest was a baby, dh worked abroad for one week in every 3 weeks. This was before mobile phones. He rang every single day, both morning and evening, to see how I was, how ds was and to make sure that we were ok.

StSwithinsDay · 19/06/2024 23:00

@BeaRF75
Because he is a new parent? Because his wife might like to hear from him? Because he might want to know how his baby is doing?

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