DH not checking in when away

I know there's v divided opinions on this but I'm totally with you OP. It's one of my red lines when DH goes away that we check in - not constant contact, just a quick note.

Yep. I am very independent and we don’t have a relationship where we are in touch during the day. But when the babies were young, we would never leave the kids overnight without checking in with each other. Esp at six weeks. My husband would never have left then full stop.

My husband goes away for work and doesn’t text for a couple of days at a time and that’s fine. But I have much older teens. With a six week baby I would expect my husband not to go away, quite frankly, never mind keeping in touch by phone or text.

Personal perspective: when I’m away with work I struggled to find time, unless there wasn’t a meal in the evening, to catch up with my son. By the time you travel, get to hotel, check up with emails and urgents, go into the local office, speak to people, get the randoms chatting to you, back to hotel, turnaround of an hour (with again checking emails), socialising* professionally, it’s honestly not fun*

Basically everything else is prioritised over your family

My ex worked away every week for 2/3 or 4 nights from when ds was two weeks old it was hard as he was a very unhappy baby. He wasn't a great partner but he checked in with me every day when ds was that little and he would ring most evenings. We both found it really difficult to cope with the crying so he knew to make sure I was doing okay, which I rarely was but it helped to have someone to talk to who understood and who could suggest a different thing to try. It's just common sense really, in the early days with a constantly crying baby on your own it definitely warrants the other parent staying in daily contact. My parents used to visit too and hold crying ds whilst I showered. I hope you're okay OP, it will get easier!

Am I a bad wife?

Have you left him home alone with a 6 week old colicky newborn who is difficult to settle? Presumably not.
So your 2 days away are completely different to the op's situation.

He’s not working 24/7. Most decent adults and parents would check in with their partner especially with a new baby.

I am on my way home from a two night stay with a friend.

My husband is home alone. I sent him a message when I set off this afternoon to let him know I'm on my way back, but I didn't call or message him at all yesterday. Am I a bad wife? While I have been eating, drinking and laughing with my friend, has he been thinking I don't care about him? It's unlikely.

Every year since we met (and before we met) he goes abroad for a week with a group of friends. He calls me a few times during the week he's away, but by no means every day. This has always been the case, even when our daughter was a baby.

I've never been precious about it, never thought he didn't love or care about me.

I think being confident in the strength of your relationship makes these things seem less important.

I disagree with posters who have suggested OP's husband doesn't care. I suppose it's possible he doesn't, but I think it's more likely that he and OP have a different idea about how important it is to stay in touch when he's away.

Also, phones work both ways. If it is important to OP to hear from her husband every day, she could call him.

In all honesty, would it have made you feel better?

‘hi honey, just wanted to check how you and the baby are before I head to dinner with the clients. Love you’

Theres a good chance, that would have pissed you off even more.

Yanbu.

It takes about 10 seconds to type “how’re things? Hope baby is settling ok” or similar.

Being “at work” is not an excuse to be a thoughtless arse and conveniently forget about your wife and new baby.

DH works away on a regular basis and we also send each other short messages. Obviously if he is in meetings and presenting then I don't but normal morning/evening times are easy for a short message.

I genuinely despair at those thinking women should suck it up while trying to keep their small child alive because the men are too busy doing important man stuff to see if their wife and child are ok.

Literally - it’s unfathomable to me that in amongst the emails/chatting/catching up you don’t have time to send a couple of texts. You can WhatsApp from desktop!

I’m fairly relaxed in with this stuff but even without a new baby, we always find time to send a quick text, even it times really short along the lines of ‘just checked in, hope your day has been ok. Quick change and straight to dinner. Speak soon’. Really not hard.

So all those things are more important than checking on a mum and newborn with colic?

Really?

Yes, exactly. He can make his wife feel like they're in this parenting lark together.

Offer a listening ear and emotional support

@saraclara

Good grief. How did we manage before mobile phones?

He's at work. He's not on a jolly or on holiday. And you're a grown up.

Pretty needlessly horrible message to a first time mum struggling with a six week old colicky baby solo tbh.

@SpringerFall

But what can he actually do to help from that distance?

Do you never just feel better after a chat with someone?

I'm a grown woman but when I'm stressed I'll often ring my mum for a chat and feel lots better having had a bit of a pep talk and some sympathy / empathy.

If someone you love calls you upset or stressed and you're unable to go and physically help them, do you just end the call? No, you offer kind words and solidarity.

A "sorry it's so tough, you're doing a great job and not long now until we're home and I can share the load" would make OP feel happier than she would without speaking.

and no phone call or text this morning either?!

Nothing obviously. But it’s nice when someone’s like ‘hope all’s going OK’ isn’t it

But what can he actually do to help from that distance?

YANBU. I'm sorry you had a tough night. You need to be clear that in future he should be in touch and that it's not OK

He may not have realised he should be in touch but in future he will

Unlike his wife who has to have the screaming back constantly as well as being at that awful bit post partum when the hormones are still awful and the sleep is awful. I think 6-14 weeks was just hellish with the crying and the boobs and the sleep dep. I'd have cried a river if DH had been away a night when our twins were that age

He could have used the hotel phone and paid for it or used a public phone box.