DH not checking in when away

Not only is having a baby together a joint responsibility, but he is your husband. The least I would expect from any partner (husband in particular) is regular check ins when they’re away -even more so when wife’s just had a baby. I think it is poor and needs to be raised with him.

I suspect he’s treating it as a bit of a break from baby? not helpful at all to new mom.

I'm usually a bit surprised by the threads were posters seem to want to hear from partners alot when they are away. I'm not bothered, both my dp and me don't text each other much when away ..we are away a lot.
However I don't have a 6 week old baby and I think it's very poor he hasn't bothered to check in with you. Just a moral support text.

It also sort of sets the tone..."you are a woman therefore the baby is your responsibility...I am the man busy being important at work and I will not have to think about anyone or anything else , except myself"

I'd try to stay calm and express yourself when he returns. Explain that the baby is a joint responsibility and you expect communication when you are parenting solo

'Good grief!' Always said by cold-hearted automatons.

Absolutely.

Writing a dismissive, patronising and mean spirited post to a first time mum with a six week old colicky baby is needlessly nasty isn't it?

Basically telling them to grow up.

I can't imagine being so nasty to someone who is clearly having a difficult time and navigating no sleep, hormones and everything else that comes with having a six week old (let alone a colicky one).

'Good grief!' Always said by cold-hearted automatons.

You are not being unreasonable, OP.

My DH would send a text or call at the end of the day before going out for the evening or, if one merged into the other, a bit later.

yup the standard for men are so low and the expectations for women are so high

You are not unreasonable OP. Even my friends would check in more than that!

I had an agreement with my, working-away DH that he would phone me every night at 7. It would be rare that you wouldn't be surrounded by women, family, friends in the baby stage for support. When my Mum had me you had six weeks of support if needed. She was in hospital for ten days (ten days lying in), I was in for three and then we had good MW/HV/drop in baby clinics. Women wasn't expected to just get on with it.
The bar is extremely low for men.

New territory for you both. Best person to be communicating with is your partner. These things take practice. Some people leave the family home, don't think about home and the partner at home doesn't want bothering. Others need regular updates or random check ins. Both are fine, but you are the two who need to discuss and agree what you need as individuals to make it work for your family. Anything anyone else says or does is just examples of how it could work.

For example in my house if I go away my partner doesn't expect to hear from me and would actually rather that I didn't check in. When the kids were very small this didn't work for me, I needed regular updates. But now it's great as I can mentally commit to being in a place and often switch my phone off. On the other side if I'm home alone with the kids I like to be checked in with, and it doesn't upset the household if we have a facetime or whatever with my partner and the kids. We've worked this out by talking with one another, often, as opinions and expectations can change with the situation (if someone was sick for example then we'd all want more updates).

@Gogogo12345

Are you sure he actually has his phone on him if he didn't open yr texts?

He worked from the office, went to the hotel, will have been there for a little while and then went out.

I think it's giving someone an odd level of benefit of the doubt they haven't seen a message for that duration of time.

And as I said, wouldn't a normal loving dad be actively checking messages, or sending them to his partner, every now and then during what is basically a working day just somewhere else, to say hello / I'm here safely / hope you're both ok?

I'm shocked at the low bar for men on here sometimes.

@Gogogo12345

Surely if there had been any issues shed have contacted him is another way to look at it

I think it would be really weird and cold for a father to only want to engage with the mother of his brand new baby (let alone one that has been colicky) if there are 'any issues'?

@HavingABall

Regardless of a relationship, I would find it weird of a new dad not to proactively check if his partner and his new baby were ok on his first night away from them. My husband never went away but I know he would have checked we were ok if he had. Esp with a tiny colicky baby.

I completely agree. My partner would have been actively thinking about us and want to check in, not see it as a chore or something low priority versus work. Anyone can find time for a text unless working in an emergency situation. If you've got time to go to the loo at some point, sending a text is absolutely possible. And not replying to pictures of your new baby, when you've had a whole day to do so, is frankly bizarre.

It never ceases to amaze me how low so many MN women’s standards are. A decent dad doesn’t need asking to get in touch when he leaves his wife and colicky newborn baby for the first time. He just does it.

Are you sure he actually has his phone on him if he didn't open yr texts?

Surely if there had been any issues shed have contacted him is another way to look at it

That's even worse IMO. Good luck with chatting to him. Hopefully he realises it's not ok

Yanbu he should've sent a quick text, it takes minutes to do

Regardless of a relationship, I would find it weird of a new dad not to proactively check if his partner and his new baby were ok on his first night away from them. My husband never went away but I know he would have checked we were ok if he had. Esp with a tiny colicky baby.

And your wide-eyed ‘am I a bad wife’ comment for going out and not checking in when you don’t have a baby is just cringeworthy.

I think regardless of the outcome of a vote, the OP obviously felt unsupported last night and it's always best to express how that made her feel so her husband understands and is on the same page.
All relationships are different, and people have different expectations of what they need from their partner. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little check in when she's been faced with a screaming baby for hours for the first time on her own overnight. She's only 6 weeks from giving birth. I think the like it or lump it attitude on here is sad. Shes still very much within the perinatal period.

Our baby isn't a baby anymore, but when she was I didn't expect my husband to call every day when he was away. If he didn't call and I wanted to speak to him, I'd call him. I didn't sit helplessly waiting for him to call and complaining when he didn't.

I certainly didn't think he didn't care about us because he didn't call.

Presumably because he's supposed to be a functioning human who can focus on more than one thing at once and presumably gives a shit about his wife and new baby?

Seriously, the pedestals some people put men on. Bloody hell.

No you won't. Are you taking on board its a 50/50 vote?

I think my relationship is very different from some of the ones on here

OP, my husband has to go away quite a bit for work. He's away now. He texts me every morning when he gets up, and every night before he goes to bed. Because it really does take seconds to check in with someone. And my kids are young but by no means newborn!

Id personally be upset if he didn't get in touch at all. But we have the type of relationship where that would be unusual. I think regardless of how much you would usually text when he's away, in your current situation he SHOULD be checking in on you.

Hope you managed to have a chat with him about how it made you feel.

It would have been nice if he’d thought to text or call but YABU to make a big thing of him not doing it.

My husband is home alone. I sent him a message when I set off this afternoon to let him know I'm on my way back, but I didn't call or message him at all yesterday. Am I a bad wife?

How old is your baby at home? If they are over one/two, this is a disingenuous and irrelevant comment. We are talking about a new mum of a newborn here who might be struggling for the first time alone. It’s nothing about the security of a relationship.