Insufferable situation with DP

I totally sympathise about that feeling u got about his behaviour financially but immaturity can make us blind to these areas. Although it may be true that he has been spoiled by his mum that can be just as life damaging as strictness because he is in danger of losing the adult life he does have over essentially his character flaw. I would try and say to myself - I'm going to treat us both as needing help with the depression factor, because although it looks like he is enjoying doing little he may just be depressed. Right now you have a second adult in the house and picking up children at school is a huge deal because it can't be flexible and it's literally child-safety. Financial stress makes us relate to each other in negative ways. You are the expert on your partner here. You can ignore how others see him and instead try a Hobson's Choice (it's a very old film) option. Only you know what's best for you but if you think about it he is not ambitious can mean he is relaxing to be around? Could you watch a game or two with him and go with that and seek him out emotionally? Praise his looks. Just a little bit. Make sure he is not suicidal. He is not a 'cocklodger' he is your guy and you and he made two children together - many an 'ambitious man' can nag woman to go out and buy the correct ingredients for meal to impress visitors - layabout is not all bad! He's guarding the homestead. Also: Relate could be a place for you both to talk things through - don't be having hard talks at home. U r both new mum and dad and presumably he's been an ok step dad to your first dad. I may be wrong but I sense you have as your main enemies depression and tiredness and finances. Try a little strategy and be telling him how you love that you can count on him to always be there. That's what I'd try anyway with a weather-eye on what his and your children need of course. Continuity and close contact with him is a good thing. If a person is a young depressed father who's never been guided to how to adult, they are never deserving of insulting terms (even if we might think than in our stressed moments). Also - access days for him seeing your shared children where u do be able to prevent them being taken out with his future possible new partner and/,or child(ren)plus single-parenting (which I'm sure u would cope with)but it is a lot for children to get their self esteem round ie something to avoid? Hope my cents worth helps. Hope u feel happier soon.

Just seen the date on the original post. How are things going OP?

I was all prepared to say maybe he's depressed etc before the bit about blowing his redundancy. That's just childish.

In your shoes I'd make plans, sort tenancy etc then boot him out when it suits you, maybe when your postnatal issues have levelled out a bit. Not because you'll see things differently but because it seems like extra stress you don't need.

Talk to your family about what you're planning, you might need their help and support.

No way!!! You cannot rely on him not to neglect the children

Apologies if this has already been said but your Health Visitor can be a really good source of support for you. Sending love x

See my post above!

She can surrender the tenancy and get a new one in her name, if the Landlord agrees. A joint tenancy can be severed by one person and it will end for everyone. She can serve notice on him to sever the tenancy, whether he agrees or not. She may also need to go to court.

Like I said speak to Landlord, get him removed from tenancy before kicking him out.

He contributes nothing. Tell him to get the fuck out and stop sponging off you and the kids.

Please leave him (I know that's easier said that done).

The more you stay with him the more he will claim he's resident parent and want to keep child benefit and UC payments.

Tell him you hate him and you want him to leave. That will give you an amswer.

Op can give notice providing its outside the fixed term. That would be sufficient to end the tenancy. The landlord could then agree a sole tenancy. I doubt a landlord would get involved. It would not be a good idea, and I certainly wouldn't, unless there is dv.

Is he claiming UC? He needs to contribute to the household in some way. Perhaps he can sell his gaming gear to pay bills?

That would be an illegal eviction by the landlord.

Glad you’ve posted and had such great support. Embrace your anger, lean on your parents and imagine how wonderful life will be once he’s not a stone around your neck. If he doesn’t bother with the kids once you’ve dumped him that is not your fault or responsibility. It’s all on him. He had every opportunity to be the partner to you and the dad to the kids you all deserve. He’s blown it because he’s pathetic. Stay strong and crack on with getting rid of him. You’ve got a lot of posters on here supporting you.

She might not be able to remove him from the tenancy but it's still worth talking to the LL as they will might have the problem of him possibly squatting if she leaves. Much better to see if they will come to a compromise in her favour first (as the rent payer) - although if she has a rolling contract they might tell him they won't renew the joint tenancy. Always worth a chat first.

Good luck OP. Keep hold of that anger.

I'm not sure you'll be able to remove him from the tenancy if you are joint tenants - I was told I couldn't when my landlord mistook my contract for being joint, but luckily my ex was only a permitted occupier (his credit was terrible so they wouldn't put him on there). You might be better off trying to break the lease and absorbing the costs that come with it, possibly a couple grand. He sounds like a piece of work though, men who have a mask and then it slips, and they do shit like this. I really feel for you, from what you've said you should be leaving him. You'll have more money and be better off anyway, and will do grand as a single mum. You're basically a single mum already with an extra mouth to monitor (his). Reach out to people close to you so you can share the burden of stress. You'll be happier without him once the initial emotions settle down.

Oh I feel for you, OP.

My husband was unemployed when our daughter was born. His long term contract had come to an end and he was looking to change direction but didn't know how. He did full time childcare for our eldest for a couple of months, then applied for a few jobs and had some disappointing setbacks, then our daughter was born and the job search went on the back burner for a bit. It all came to a head when she was a couple of months old and he wasn't applying for jobs and I started to get very anxious and depressed about the situation. We had a couple of blazing rows and I helped him a lot with CVs and interview prep and then he got something just before his severance pay ran out. It was a stressful time.

But the difference is that he was bringing in money (big severance package which was paid over 8 months), and he was incredibly hands on with the kids and the house in that time.

You just sound completely alone trying to raise three kids with an adult baby along for the ride. He isn't contributing anything. He isn't looking for a job. He's happy to let you pay for everything.

You're in a very vulnerable position with three children including a newborn, but I think it is time to give your partner an ultimatum. Pull yourself together, look for a job, do your fair share at home, or fuck off back to mummy.

Take that anger and roll with it. You deserve so much better.

Stay strong OP 🤗

The only good bit is that his mum will.have him back straight away.

Hope he can be with her by tonight.

Sounds like it will be a huge relief.

How dare he leech off me like this

👏👏👏

Good for you @DaisyG20 anger is an energy! Get him gone. Back to mummy and she can wipe his arse.

At the moment, he's the cool dad who plays games with them and stays up late watching films and I feel like they'd resent me.

Why? He can still be the cool dad playing games on his 50% but just in a different house. This man is adding nothing to your life but he is certainly taking away a lot from it. Financially, physically (food etc), mentally AND emotionally. He is sucking you dry. Speak to your LL and then kick him out. Don't listen to his promises of how it will all be different if he can come back - it won't.

He sounds awful and you need to get rid of him. Sorry you’ve put up with so much but you can’t continue like this.

If you pay for the Wi-fi (I’m assuming you do as you’re bankrolling this loser) then change the password. Don’t make him any good, wash his clothes etc. It will be easier for you if he goes running back to his mummy. He’s acting like a child so treat him that way.