Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

You never been to a social event where people smoke it. My 20 year old isn't into it at all but many of his college and uni friends are.

He's currently in Thailand with me. Weed shops every few yards. He isn't bothered by their presence but doesn't use them

I think 3. Being around someone smoking weed isn't a neutral thing that people should have to live and let live about. It stinks for one thing and if you have to be in a room with it can make you feel dizzy and ill. If you'd have posted they didn't want to go on holiday with someone who smoked cigarettes around them, then people would probably have been a lot more understanding. Unfortunately there's this conceit that we all have to be ok about weed and anyone who isn't is uptight and judgy. When actually it's pretty anti social if you don't like it, and your DC have a right to their views.

I wouldn’t want my kids around weed. Some people are quite relaxed about it but ime it causes serious problems and I hate the stuff. Given the ages though, I think your kids should be able to spend time with your partners daughter as long as she doesn’t smoke it around them (or you if you don’t like it). They don’t have to hang out with her as such and now they know in future it’s probably not a good idea.
And they should be able to tell her that themselves really but if not, you or your partner will have to I suppose.
I think it’s great they are the way they are about it. Thankfully you didn’t find out they all got high together instead. It wouldn’t be the end of the world of course if they did (just as it’s not that your partner’s daughter does) but it’s so much better that they don’t and that they felt they could talk to you about it. I’d be really relieved about that. But they’re going to be in these kind of situations sometimes and they really do need to work out how to deal with it themselves.

I don’t think weed is the issue here. I’d let them go and live with him.

They are adults, how is it parental neglect?

Just seen your post about them running to their dad and threatening to leave you/move in with him. Honestly, I think you should let them - call their bluff! Dad is Mr Wonderful because he doesn't actually have to do anything (apart from criticise you and enable your kids to be manipulative). Maybe let them see how it is if they live with him full time.
They need to grow up a bit - the poster upthread is right when she says they won't have friends if they think everyone should bend to their will.

You might have a nicer holiday if they don't come

Totally irresponsible parenting to condone and normalise your adult kids' weed smoking. In my opinion, it's a form of parental neglect.

They weren’t at the OP’s home, they were guests of their stepsister in her own home.

Decent people of all kinds take drugs or associate with people who take drugs.

For the benefit of the thread could you clarify on the other markers of “decency” in your belief system? Do decent people have casual sex? Do decent people have abortions? Do decent people drink alcohol? Do decent people occasionally find a fiver on the floor and decide to keep it?

YADNBU

I think in some circles drug use is normalised but it is a big thing. Apart from supporting the criminal underworld or murderers, slavers and people traffickers that sustain the trade, the drugs themselves are harmful and addictive and it is a criminal activity.

I would, however, speak to your children about having the confidence to leave any situation they are uncomfortable in. Maybe set them up a Uber account so they can get a taxi to your partners? This won’t be the last time they will find themselves in an uncomfortable situation and they must feel able to leave. One way to help with this is to up an agreed phrase where they can text you and you will call with some story as to why they must come home now! Aunty Betty has been rushed to hospital or whatever, so they feel able to leave.

Not harmless to smoke it. Not harmless to smoke it in front of people who don’t want to smoke it and are made uncomfortable by the situation. People who are exposed to secondhand marijuana smoke can have detectable levels of THC (tetrahydrocannabinol) in their blood and urine. Marijuana also can be contaminated with mold, insecticides or other chemicals that may be released in secondhand smoke.

The one pointing the finger isn’t always as pure as the driven snow.
Sometimes a “kid” might be trying to cover up a misdeed of their own by getting their own story in first.
Much like in murder investigations when the murderer themselves alerts a crime to the police or pretends to be helping in some way.

Is there any history or tension between the two?

Only you know the previous characters of those involved.
The best predictor of future actions are past actions. Compare the two, that might bring you closer to your answer.

I personally never make decisions, especially important ones, having heard only one side of a story.

If you didn’t want an honest answer then why ask? I totally agree with your kids dad - decent people don’t associate with drug users, and you shouldn’t be exposing your kids to that in their home where they can’t choose to avoid the drug user.

I think you’ll find there’s a lot more people who don’t want to be around incredibly naive and sheltered 18 year olds who snitch and manipulate, have no friends and can’t order an Uber.

It’s easier said than done because obviously you love your children but maybe you need to call their bluff on this one? And your ex’s. “Well you’re adults now so it’s up to you if you want to move in with your dad. Just know you always have a home with me”. And let them decide what they do.

I think you’re being totally reasonable here btw. As is your partner. If my dad had “told me off” about my lifestyle at the age his daughter is, I’d tell him to piss off and stop being daft.

And “druggie” my arse 🤣

I hate weed - it stinks and it isn't good for you, but I do also think your kids were being a bit precious. No one put pressure on them to do anything they weren't happy with and they weren't forced to stay.
I think I agree with your dh that it would not be right for him to have a word with his daughter. She is also an adult and was in her own home.
They are throwing the baby out with the bath water if they refuse to go on holiday because someone did something they don't like. I'd agree that they shouldn't go out socialising (outside of family occasions) with their step sister and cousin, if they don't enjoy the same recreational activities, but refusing the holiday altogether is a bit silly imo. But it's their decision, obviously, because they are grown ups!

I think I'd have a word with my own kids about resilience in the world - that they have led an unusually sheltered life and they are likely to come across drug use. Weed is legal in lots of places, so it's something that has a level of societal acceptance, which they will have to adjust to realistically.
I do agree with them that it's gross, but in life they have to accept that other adults do things differently and you can't really tell them not to!

Mmm..

Biased, I do sometimes use weed (edibles, perhaps once or twice every few months)...

Occasional social use, in the setting you describe ie all chatting, listening to music, relaxing... I think is every bit as acceptable as the same activities whilst drinking alcohol (ie, not entirely problem free but not any sort of major scandal either).

Dependent use, ie people who smoke alone, have to smoke first thing in the morning, have to smoke every day or very regularly, who pressure others into doing same.. thats a problem.

Your kids are pretty much adults now. If they're uncomfortable with what others around them are doing they can speak up, and they can leave. If they can't figure out how to do either, then perhaps you need to offer more guidance, but it is still for them to do, not for you to manage on their behalf.

This is one of the things you learn as a grown-up, being able to say 'no i don't want to get shitfaced on Metaxa and vomit my guts up in your back yard thanks' and 'if you lot are taking coke, I am going home, k bai!'..

Not 'Mummy, will you tell so and so to not do x around me, I don't like it...'

Comes across as a bit precious and goody two shoes.

Even if they do not want to do drugs themselves it is almost inconceivable that they aren't going to get exposed to them at some point in the future.

They need to be able to handle that other people are going to do stuff they might not like. And if so all they need to do is not partake instead of running back to the parents shocked.

I'd probably let them go off to their Dads and welcome the opportunity to chill.

I think I’d consider just not reacting or doing anything, let their outrage fizzle out and I’m sure they’ll forget all about it, and will be coming on holiday no problems.

So she has a history of hard drug use and she still uses illegal drugs now. Sorry but this is why your kids dad is upset, because you seem to think it’s ok for them to be around drug users. How often she uses illegal drugs is completely irrelevant - she’s a drug user, and decent people don’t want to be around people like that.

Get an actual grip on yourself 🤣

What we know for a fact is that this adult woman smoked some cannabis on one occasion, in her own flat, with her own friends/partner/cousins. She’s hardly a drug addict.

You’ve said she uses illegal drugs. Therefore she is a druggie and so are the cousins. You don’t want your kids around people like that.

Also your partner said you should be grateful it was only weed, which implies she sometimes uses harder drugs.

They are all adults. Not really sure why you are getting involved.