Young Adults using weed - big deal or no?

OP didn't allow it in her home

The morality of it is important to some of us. There is another thread on here by a mother whose DS has had his life turned upside down by being involved in County Lines. Why don’t the ‘no big deal/I do it/my kids do it/my high flying friends do it’ people on here go over to that thread and say the same thing to that mother? Course you won’t because you are cowards.

Whatever anyone's views on the impact or morality of occasional weed use is that is not the issue here.
Adults and you adults all have varying views on drug use.
The issue is how your young adults react when they are bystanders to something that makes them uncomfortable. In the future this could be sexist behaviour, racism, low level financial crimes and yes drug taking.
They seem to want their parents to actively intervene "tell her off". I would suggest some scaffolding type conversations about how to handle uncomfortable situations like this going forward. Google active bystanding as a starter. They need to be able to articulate and decide what they will call out and why. If drug taking is really a moral line for them that's fine, but they need to learn how to handle these differences in views going forward.
As an aside, your ex is being really unhelpful and frankly not doing his kids any favours keeping them stuck in a perpetual childhood and doing too much for them. It may make him feel useful/loved/powerful but their in the phase of learning to adult and sometimes that's hard......

It must be a very sheltered life you’ve led @JellyWellyBoots if you can’t comprehend the point about County Lines and actually think it’s funny. Would you be happy with your kid being taken away from you, being controlled by a criminal gang, having to deliver drugs to good knows who, shitting themselves they’ll get robbed by rivals? These are someone’s kids, vulnerable and exploited. They should be at home doing their homework or hanging at their mate’s house on the Xbox, not delivering drugs to you.

Regardless of if it's a big deal it is illegal and your children were uncomfortable. It's perfectly reasonable for them to not want to be around her anymore.

Smoking it before the age of 25 is associated with all sorts of negative things. It can bring on schizophrenia. Affects brain development and mood even IQ.

I personally think it's no big deal after age 25 but people not wanting to be around it needs to be respected

It CAN cause these things but it is often prescribed for these conditions too. I live in a country where it isnt illegal. I also have cancer. I cannot take most pain relief as it counteracts the treatment i am on. My oncologist told me to use weed as its the safest option.
Its also recommended here for ADHD rather than Ritalin etc. Which is far more harmful

It is a drug like any other drug that can cause issues but dont forget the benefits. Its far less detrimental than alcohol

So actually the conversation about weed use in France already happened long ago. Your partner told his daughter he doesn’t want it in his house and she has always respected that. Tell your kids this.
They absolutely do need to the limits on their (or their parents’) authority over other adults.

Why are your grown up children coming to mummy to tell the naughty girl we don’t want to play with her anymore? Have you wrapped them in cottonwool? They could have got up and left at any point but chose to stay. Couldn’t have been that uncomfortable.

Lots of hysteria on this thread!

Steeping back a bit, it’s not really about the weed, is it? It’s about how your (young, admittedly) adult children cope with situations and how much they expect you to be accountable for their comfort.

And the next genuine question for you is where the line should be about that, and how you can develop that moving into adulthood.

An adult woman and some friends having an occasional smoke in her own home is not really going to affect your family’s day to day life, is it? Her own morals about the drug trade and brain development are her own business. (I am not belittling this in general, by the way)

The issue is how your kids are supposed to act. I think you and ex need to urgently guide them in how to cope with situations they aren’t comfortable in. I don’t take drugs (rural 😜) and on my first night of the ‘big city university experience’ I was invited to a party and offered a joint as it was passed around.

I did not die of moral outrage, I said ‘nah, not my thing, thanks’ and passed it on - as I had been told to do by my parents. I swiftly assessed my safety, the atmosphere, how to leave and worked out it was all ok and stayed. Still friends with all those people now!

I also DID leave, avoid and report different scenarios throughout my 20s when necessary. What I didn’t do was run to my parents and expect them to call the other person’s parents to sort it out.

I definitely turned to my parents for guidance and support and they were brilliant and always put my happiness first, but this kind of neediness isn’t going to do them any favours in making friends and becoming independent.

Put it this way - the girl was nice enough to invite her dad’s partner’s not very sociable kids to hang out with her friends and just acted how she would do normally. She didn’t force them to do drugs or mock them. And as thanks, she got pearl-clutching tattle-taling.

She’ll not make that mistake again!

I live in a rural area. The local college is rife with drugs, particularly ketamine. Everywhere we go the smell of weed is prevalent.
rural Berkshire sounds incredibly unusual inasmuch as the 18 year old hasn’t been exposed to weed, maybe he just has very straight friends but it does sound like a mountain out of a molehill.
just do the holiday or not. Op your kids are adults, they don’t have to come and if they do then perhaps you can help with some role play about how and when to leave a situation they are uncomfortable with.
country bumpkins need to learn how to manage all types of scenarios just as much as anyone else

They want to come, they just won’t unless someone says something to her.

Your kids are way too judgmental and controlling. Explain to them that on their journey through life they will meet many people whose views and behaviours don’t accord with their own.
If they don’t want to come that’s sad but they are the ones responsible for that decision.

I agree tbh.

Many substances, or unhealthy things are brushed under the carpet when it suits.

Some people may be fine with weed, but others not so much. Same with alcohol, ect. But we cherry pick what we want to seem acceptable and ignore the high risks.

I think the difference with legalised weed, is it's growth and distribution is monitored and adheres to guidelines. Illegal weed here in the UK, you have no idea what its sprayed with, how it's distributed (child slavery) medical marijuana it's use is monitored, how much on prescription and the people that use it health checked.

Bit much to expect ds to talk to the woman when he can't even walk to a train station ffs

Why are people discussing rules in the OP's house?

This did not happen in the OP's house. It happened in OP's partners adult daughters flat. A place OP's kids were invited to, but under no obligation to remain in.

It isn't likely to happen on holiday, OP's partner has made it clear its not tolerated in the house, it hasn't happened on previous holidays either which suggests this next one would be no different.

Threads are so much more productive if posters don't go making shit up.

@boombang
you are not bothered by people supporting an industry which enslaves thousands across the UK, mostly children?

They smoked a bit of dope, they didn't go on a primark haul. Jeez.

So if the issue is weed being bought causing all this stuff surely it would be better to just legalize it. Stops all that if can be bought from a legit shop/pharmacy. And they no " gateway" to the harder drugs

What you are saying is nothing to do with the weed itself but the means of obtaining it

Would it be ok if weed was legal then? Like in many other countries?

I think people should cooperate on a family holiday and in this case we are talking about something that is actually illegal, so not sure I agree with you on this one. As I said no-one I associate with does this but for example when there is an occasional smoker in a group I have been in, they don't do it around other people out of consideration for them.

I hate weed.

I think the psychopathological effects of it are downplayed as it is seen as the 'acceptable' face of drug-taking, particularly for the middle classes.

I hate the hypocrisy mentioned above, of those who will turn a blind eye to the issues of the weed supply chain while drinking their single origin fair trade coffee and bemoaning the use of sweat shops by others.

However, I really do think that the biggest problem in this scenario is that a 20 year old and 18 year old can't get themselves out of a situation where they are uncomfortable (and not being pressurised to join in with illegal activity) and make their way safely home.

They then want a 23 yr old who is living independently to be 'told off' before they will agree to go on a family holiday.

OP will obviously know why the first issue has arisen, and can think of strategies to help develop independence in her young adults.
For the second, I would probably simply say that they are welcome to come or stay at home, whichever they wish, but that another adult is not going to be 'told off'.

Sounds like they are not keen on going to France to be bored silly by your partners DD getting high (high people don’t tend to be great company). And risking breaking the law by association when they have no interest in it.
They don’t sound like they hit it off and since they are all adults I think it’s perfectly reasonable for them to say - no don’t want to spend my holiday with this person I don’t know and don’t like.

But they're not kids. They're adults who have the same options you've presented - to not do it and not be around it.

There's no need for any other adults to be involved.

Completely agree. Do not allow it in my home.

I think it is a question of personal perspective as I am aware it is not entirely uncommon. However, for me it is a big deal - it is illegal and therefore unacceptable. I have never done it, nor allowed it to be around me, nor would I let kids be around it, doubly so if they said it made them uncomfortable.

Yep, the weed is a misdirect here.

If OP's kids were unhappy about alcohol use, or anything going on in the flat, they had the option to say so, or leave.

They chose secret option C - come home, whine to Mummy and demand she or her partner tell off some other adult.

That is not how adults lead their lives, its not the way to deal with situations you're uncomfortable in and if I were their parent, I'd be concerned at their inability to advocate for themselves appropriately!

The rights and wrongs of smoking weed are completely irrelevant in this situation.

The question is, is it appropriate for one set of adults, at the behest of a second set of adults, to "tell off" a third set of adults for smoking weed in their own home?

OP needs to get a grip and tell her kids to sort their own shit out.