To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

Over 55s who are not home-owners would qualify for sheltered housing. In terms of long-term planning finding something where care options can be added on at a later date, as needed, would be sensible. Your DHs siblings are likely to agree to this. If it is likely to cause friction between DH and his siblings and between you and DH to have her living in the annexe then it is not a good plan even on a temporary basis.

IF this is clearly a temporary stop-gap then personally I'd agree to it.

Yes.

It's a very big IF though isn't it?

I find my ILs very difficult to get on with.

Well to be fair, so does my husband!

Couldn't/wouldn't see them homeless but I can see how if they were settled & comfortable with husband/GCs on tap there might be little incentive for them to move!

Especially as they are pretty isolated where they are & honestly so desperate for company I think we'd find it hard to keep them to the annexe!

I'd be suspicious of the timings and ask to see the S21 notice from her landlord. It all seems very convenient.

Sorry if this has already been pointed out, but if MIL ends up needing significant care, then Social Services will probably decide that you're her carer, as you live with her (even though its an annexe) and will be in no rush to find her a nursing home.

If your DH was accommodating of your parents I might consider it with the clear red line that you would never be responsible for her care, domestic work etc. However given your DH won’t be in a room with them I don’t see why you should be in a house with his.

Just say no. And stand by it.

That's a good point about the rent becoming a bone of contention with her other DC.

OP, is this the sort of family where the siblings are likely, despite not doing as much themselves, to have Strong Opinions on the level of rent that should be charged? Ie could they think you're enriching yourselves if you charge her anything at all, might they expect it to be at a discount etc? This is something I'd be worrying about because DMIL clearly isn't in a position to help herself much financially.

Perfectly reasonable to say no.

If you do agree, make it clear that you aren't doing any caring, and stick to it. Every time she needs any help, it's on DH. Make that clear now - may change his opinion on her moving in.

Honestly, I'd pull out of the purchase. I know you say you've been looking for a house for ages, but I think the risk that you'll be steamrolled into her moving in is too great. The fact he didn't outright say no when she first asked rings alarm bells. Once you've bought it there's no going back. I wouldn't do it, given you've said yourself that he finds it difficult saying no to his mother. Most usually a "We'll think about it" means yes, that's how your MIL will have received it. If you buy this house, you'll never hear the end of it.

He has told his mum that we need to to take time to seriously think about her request and that the decision will be one that is made jointly between us

Thanks for the update OP, and the above is very encouraging, especially as it now seems this idea may not have been set up between them but something MIL (unsurprisingly) seized on when she heard about the annexe

Personally I still wouldn't go ahead with it, doubly so as he's not all that keen either, but hopefully now you can at least present a united front on this

Edited to add that, if you do decide against, be prepared for an awful lot of emotional blackmail, starting with "Of course I wouldn't be any bother, how can you possibly think that" and moving onto "My life's at stake if I don't move in"

How long for...?
She's recently divorced, sold home, renting. Surely an ideal opportunity for her to make proper plans for the future. Sheltered housing perhaps, or assisted living or small flat. It would be a blessing to future if a realistic plan was devised now. Tell DH your boundaries and let him deal with MIL.

IF this is clearly a temporary stop-gap then personally I'd agree to it. Otherwise, a firm "no" to a longer term plan...
you cant accomodate your FIL and parents for longer visits if she has permanent use of annex.

...And make sure she does not move in by stealth!

I'd just tell her no, it's not fair on the other grandparents/parents.

I wouldn't do it and it's down to your husband to take care of her not yours.

If you don't get on now it'll be worse living with her trust me.

Why? tit for tat is highly relevant in this scenario- why is it ok for the MIL to move in but not her parents? why does his MIL get respect and care but her parents dont?

A scenario like this is of course going to cause massive resentment over time- especially if her parents start to need care and he wont help at all but still expects her to look after his mother. You cannot ignore the effect this will have on their relationship- it could be devastating.

With your update I'd say no to her. Tell her your planning to rent it out only for a year to fund renovations to make it part of the main house.

Yes, from your description of your relationship with MIL, it’s a bad idea. It’s good your dh also doesn’t seem keen. My MIL asked to move in & my dh was keen to say yes…. I was the ultimate bad guy but I held my ground on the No. It would have been me doing all the caring, being present etc and I wasn’t prepared to do it - I was already struggling let alone adding more in. I was told how selfish I was etc etc but dh does now know it was the right course of action. It was a battle but it blew over pretty quickly.

While admittedly you a bit less so, neither of you seem to like each others parents so probably best that you both move in a leave the annexe empty until you're more settled.

If your DH is persistent ask him what his thoughts would be if your DP's asked to move into the annexe.

Edited to say just read your last post....Your DH should explain to his DM what he told you..
Seems fair that no one family member has first choice.

'Lillieloola · Today 10:39
Looneytune253 · Today 10:35

Would it not be easier than helping her from afar. I know it sounds like the answer should be no but realistically you (the family) will likely end up assisting her anyway, would it not be easier and cheaper if she was close
This👆'

She does not need to be that close!

Assisting is one thing, of course you assist for a couple of weeks when there is an operation or some temporary blip, but in this case it would be a growing need.

OP would become the default carer - at least if there was some distance, it would be a little respite.

Even having carers in will become more and more intrusive, would you accept hoists, special beds, the additional needs such as rails and grabs? Take out your bathroom for a specialised shower/wet room?
What if occupational therapists say the room is not now adequate - what else do you have? Your bedroom?
Presuming she will want some of her favourite bits around her - obviously fine in her home, but I don't want a lot of mismatched furniture in my house.
Is she going to cook for herself? Safely?
She and her needs will outgrow your annexe.
This isn't a one off, it's a growing need. Looking after a child or your husband should they need it is one thing, changing incontinence pads for your MIL is quite another.

It's not about love, or being a kind and caring person, it's about you providing the necessary, sacrificing your plans for your MIL, and OK shoot me, carrying a burden that is not yours to carry.

You have your annexe, and enjoy it, but do not become a carer unless that is your plan.

@Groveparkmama

Although it never happened, DH and I had a discussion early on about 'parents moving in'. In our case it would have had to include adding on to our house so no 'ready made' annexe. One major difference is that DH loved my parents, so him 'not wanting them there' wouldn't have been an issue. I had the same concerns you had about being turned into the 'primary carer'.

After much discussion, and to be fair to both sets of parents, it was decided that none of them would live with us but that we would give each other 100% support in caring for that parent if that time should come. That meant that either of us would assume 100% of our 'domestic load' should the other of us have to spend time or stay at their respective parent's home for caring duties. We did have to do that for each other with our mums, but we accepted the 'extra' home duties gladly. We also agreed that we'd be willing to 'top up' any care fees should that be necessary. Luckily for us, the financial need never arose as both our fathers died at home and both our mothers required professional care that they could adequately pay for without our help.

So, discuss with your husband absolutely. But do remember that if you should put your foot down wrt his mother, that he will have the absolute right to put his foot down about your parents, too. And vice versa, that's only fair. So be sure you also discuss your parent's possible future needs, too. That may affect his willingness to have his mother move to the annexe, once he realizes that your parents will have an 'open door' to do that too, should the time come.

Having seen the update I feel that perhaps Op's husband isn't as bad as I first thought!

That said if MIL moves in I would think she is unlikely to move out so it would be with that in mind that I would be answering!

If she would keep to herself & be a good tenant that could be a positive.

If her own son has doubts though then it probably has to be a no.

I'm also interested in the story of husband & Op's parents.

Absolutely not. Especially as she’s ill you’ll feel bad asking her to move out and be guilt tripped into having her there and being responsible for her long term. I would say 100% no especially if he wouldn’t do the same for your parents. It may be hard to say no now but it’ll be even harder to change things once she’s moved in. Don’t do it!!!!!

I think you should say no. She can be local but not in an annex. If you go ahead with this you can't go back on it without a big falling out. I have my DM stayig here for a couple of months and although she is very considerate I need my own space. It's not going to be good her being there and everyone being driven nuts

If she needed help living where she currently is who would give it to her?
Would it be a case of your husband heading off each evening/morning whenever required? If so it would be convenient having her close by.
If she would be employing a helper living away she could also use that option when living in annex.
Think about type of tenant you would have if put it out on market how do they compare to family member?
What siblings does your husband have ? I would imagine that could be most difficult part few coming to visit Granny but end up doing it in your house as annex is small. Or jealousy around Granny paying you rent.

OP Can I suggest that you divide off the issue of his not liking your parents and his mother wanting to move into the annexe? I know that's hard but any hint of tit for tat is not going to help this situation.

Another thing to think about is what happens if you need to move house in the future.

You may think you will be in this house forever but things change. You may want to move elsewhere for space/job/location/whatever. Doing that will effectively make your mil homeless again - unless you bring her with you.

Your dh would be better off working with his mum to find secure housing for her now - independent of him.