To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

Neither of you like each other's parents so there's no reason for any of them to live with you/in the annexe. Your husband can tell your MIL a family member, on either side, living in the annexe is not an option and then he can start to help her look for alternative accommodation, arrange care etc. If you weren't buying a house with an annexe she'd have to sort something else anyway.

No. Your husband doesnt sound very pleasant either.

Sounds like you should say no

Your husband sounds like a bit of dick too tbh

I would consider getting a house without the annex - problem solved

I am not saying it should happen, just that the discussion should not be based on tit for tat.

Do not do this Op...my other half has done it with his mum (i have my own house thankfully) and its now a disaster.

Absolutely no way.

We all know the care will fall on you no matter what anyone in this thread says, it's always the woman who ends up doing it/being expected to do it. The fact he finds it hard to say no to her is more concerning.

Dont do it.

Once she has moved in, you can't kick her out. What if she can't pay the rent? Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother? No

And that's exactly why moving her in "as a temporary measure" could be one hell of a risk

Only too easy, once settled, to refuse any further suggestions because "I'm not feeling up to it this week" - a week which becomes months and then years

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer

They never do, though in fairness that's not really their role but that of Social Services with whom they're supposed to liaise ... and Social Services will put anything on anyone just to get the boxes ticked

I am moving my mum into my annexe in a couple of years. Wouldn't want my MIL to move in though.
Which I suppose is unfair on DH but he actually gets along better with my mum, who is easygoing.

No no no. You could have 20 yrs of this - with a man who isn’t kind to his own in laws? No!

Definite no from me. If it’s something neither of you actually want it will just cause marriage problems if she moved in.

Very interesting post. Personally I couldn't live with my MIL even if we had an annexe to put her in. If you agree to this the situation it will not play out well. I think even if you are the Walton's the stress of 'live in' parents or in-laws must be intolerable.

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer. I work full -time and was trying to process the financial, physical and emotional effects of the situation. Basically I would have had to have given up work but is that what people do in the circumstances? My Dad refused to go into a nursing home. I just don't know how people cope.

OP eventually this is where you will be heading in terms of every increasing care needs for your MIL. Unless you are a total saint and prepared to sacrifice your own life for your MIL don't do it.

Bit strong! 😂

Partners are entitled not to like their in laws

OP already said she finds her MIL annoying- so thats valid too surely. Partners are also entitled not to have to live with their in laws either so either way, it shouldn't happen should it?

Assuming a happy and functional upbringing, personally I think people do owe their parents some help when they come to need it, if it's do-able. But not in-laws.

Have you RTFT? its sounds like he doesn't expect it.....and we don't know why he doesn't like his in laws, there may well be a real reason.

If she moves in, you will become her carer.

When she becomes more frail and needs help washing and toileting, it's highly likely she won't want your H doing her personal care even if he is willing.

You can get carers in to help. But you still have to be there to organise them and step in if they don't turn up. Even then, it's quite common for the person to prefer their personal care to be done by their female relative rather than a female stranger - and more common if they have dementia.

Caring is a literal labour of love. I've done it twice. I don't regret it. But I would sure as hell not do it for anyone I didn't want to because it takes over your whole life and when someone's end is coming it can be 24/7.

Go into this decision with open eyes and discount anything your husband says about him being responsible because when push comes to shove statistically it's going to be you not him doing the work.

This is not relevant if MIL can afford private care.

Because then it can be framed as what is best for a husband and a wife team and not "you won't do it so I won't". Partners are entitled not to like their in laws.

This, entirely this.

Funny that he refuses to spend time with your parents for no real reason but expects you to put up with his own mum moving into your new home all of a sudden when care needs are clearly on the horizon. Highly doubt he's going to be doing any of that.

Just say no.

I'd end a marriage over this.

YANBU

Once she has moved in, you can't kick her out. What if she can't pay the rent? Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother? No.

Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother in 5 years time so you can have a bigger kitchen? Of course not.

And the fact that he would not do the same for your parents speaks volumes.

You don't like her, it has huge financial implications, you will never be able to enjoy your home.

No no no

@Thursdaygirl tgat is how my mum got trapped

And wait for the moment when she stops paying rent and bills. Is the annexe allowed to be used as a residence?

Oh no, bad idea

your husband sounds like he expects you to do the caring for his mum too?

as a child I lived with this situation, my dad moved his mum in and my mother ended up caring for her in that she was almost a servant/nurse. It was awful for everyone

my gran would shout for my mum to come clean her up every time she went to the toilet. My dad said as a man he could not clean/bathe his mum.

it almost broke my mum and my parents’ marriage

Couldn't/wouldn't see them homeless but I can see how if they were settled & comfortable with husband/GCs on tap there might be little incentive for them to move!

Especially as they are pretty isolated where they are & honestly so desperate for company I think we'd find it hard to keep them to the annexe!

Absolutely!!!