To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

No it really doesn’t. My DH does more than his fair share of the caring responsibilities and it’s for my DM, not his!

I saw a house with an annexe recently, but the annexe had a separate council tax rating: have you checked this? If it’s longterm meant to add space to the house, then you don’t want someone in it long term and how could you ever kick her out? I’d get dh to tell her this is the short term plan (if you say long term, she’ll ask to move in short term then never move!) Just no.

depending on how far down the line you are with the purchase, I would pull out and tell MIL it fell through

You think this is not a plan but maybe it was his plan, and he is hoping you will agree- I wouldn't rule it out.

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer

They never do, though in fairness that's not really their role but that of Social Services with whom they're supposed to liaise ... and Social Services will put anything on anyone just to get the boxes ticked Edited

Thats what I was trying to say earlier, if she lives with the OP, this will be Social Services’ get-out clause if her care needs escalate.

What happens if you decide to sell and she is too old to find somewhere else to live? Do you want to become responsible for her?

What you need to say to your husband is “no”. I don’t see why you need to do anything other than tell him the truth as to why. If it damages your relationship with her, so what? You don’t like her and your husband doesn’t make any effort with your parents so you owe him nothing.
If your husband doesn’t want to tell her the truth then he could make anything up- it’s going to be an air bnb, it’s going to be an office, it’s for friends to stay etc etc

Living this much closer together isn't a known remedy for improving a difficult in-law relationship.

(I imagine that many reality TV show makers would be keen to be a fly-on-the-wall if you go ahead.📹Like real flies, they know where to find something to feast on!)

I cared for mum in our small home for 3 years. No other sibling could help, well one could have but wouldn't and mum clearly didn't want to live with them otherwise they would have.

So I took care of her as Alzheimer's got worse but she still retained independence and my lovely husband helped us make beautiful memories. It was hard on us and as parents both working especially so. There were nights he and I were drinking too much, nights I had to deal with mum's care for accidents.

But mum had very few options as too expensive to buy locally, so we were her home. I'm proud of that.

She enjoyed living with us and eventually we found a nice home where she made friends. She was independent and happy. She passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago. I'm so happy that even though it was hard I could help her at least a few years.

My point is to say, if it's tenable you can do it but do it out of love and fair terms. It'll take everything , everything , out of you. Your husband will need to be more involved then most men tend to be. It'll be a labour of love and your marriage needs to be strong.

Siblings wise, mine had less possibility and less patience, but the one who could have lived with her but didn't, you would not believe the issues they had with her small contribution to our bills. I'll never forget the selfishness. They made the occasional visit to her when in care, and always too busy otherwise. Unbelievable.

I'm in grief, exhausted, and only now looking back at what it's all meant.

So be very careful. You may find your husband and family change from who they are and you'll be stuck.

There is a BIG PURPLE button on each thread for this you know.

Tricky. How old is she?

I appreciate the sensitivity of this situation but I honestly don't think this would work. Irrespective of there being a separate annex, you will feel increasing resentment contributed to by the fact your husband doesn't like your parents.
I appreciate that your MIL has had a tough time but surely she can find another rental accommodation. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your husband. Best of luck

No, it can be hard enough at times living with people you enjoy the company of. For me it would be the impact on the kids, they’d inevitably have to quieten themselves in an aging grandparent was living with them, would they feel they couldn’t have friends over. Would MIL invite herself to family days out more/ expect to have meals prepared/ be taken places. It’s all the knock on effects of basically becoming responsible for her. It would definitely shift dynamics between husband and siblings as they’d probably assume you’d just do everything for her from then on. It doesn’t sound like a good or fair arrangement especially given how your family are treated by your husband either. Sorry, sounds like a recipe for a lot of ongoing family stress and far harder to move her back out if it goes pear shaped!

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been discussed, but I think this is an excellent approach.

And yes, OP, you WILL end up being her carer. When I was a child, my mother once said to me "Don't ever marry an only child!" It wasn't until years later that I realised what she meant: "You'll have to look after his mother as well as your own". Which is exactly what happened to her.

This may or may not be relevant, but I'm presuming your MIL is over 55 and I wonder whether she would be in a position to buy a flat in a warden-assisted complex? It might take some of the pressure off you, give her the company and support she needs and be the best solution.

Friends of mine, faced with an elderly parent who wanted to downsize and live with them, ended up buying a rather nice 2-bed flat a short drive from where they live. FIL gifted them the deposit and pays rent to cover the mortgage.

Don't buy a house with an arsehole.

Use this as an opportunity to leave him.

You're not going to be a nanny to a woman who's son would never do the same for your parents.

If there's no abuse involved then you and your husband should be responsible for taking care of both sets of parents as they age (perhaps with the siblings or by putting them in a home of course). If you partner says yes to this then he is
..not a partner. He's someone who expects you to be his maid and skivy. He knows fine well that's the direction things will take.

Either get out. Or refuse his mum on the grounds of an equal partnership. He doesn't get to be a hypocrit.

Recently viewed a house with a big 2-bed annexe. Originally built to house the vendor’s parents. Immediately disregarded it, as I could just see my MIL wanting to move in!! Fuck no!! Stay strong OP.

Either have the funds to immediately renovate it… or find a different house.

We have to get out in front of things & make sure it cant fall to us!
I wont be doing anything, dont live near any elderly relatives & gave up driving several years ago.

Echoing the other posters - no, it isn't a good idea for her to move in. It's also a difficult position if you have an empty annexe and MiL needs somewhere to live.

I would seriously reconsider buying the house.

Care of the elderly is a feminist issue.
It always falls to the woman.
Always.

She will probably live longer than you anticipate and every resource you have will be geared towards looking after her.
Say goodbye to all your independence. And your time and money.
She's clearly on a downward trajectory as it is. She could be ill and then very ill for a very long time.

To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do.

So just say no! You don't want it and you don't think your DH does either. He has bought some time by saying that you need to discuss it, you've discussed it and the answer is no.

How do you frame it to her? Simple. Just tell her the truth - that you plan to incorporate the annexe into the main house and you won't be able to do that if she's living there. And if she begs and says it's only for a short while - don't believe her. Once she's in there and has the security of living next door to her DS she will never fucking leave. And what will be the result of that? Massive resentment on your part, probably massive regret on your DH's part for ever saying yes, and possibly the end of your marriage. Whatever you have to do to prevent her moving in, do it, up to and including pulling out of this purchase, if you have to. But I'd try to say 'No' first, if you really want this house and have been looking for a year and this is all you've found.

@Groveparkmama "To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do."

Just be honest that you and H have had an agreement not to have ANY family living with you on either side, so the most you can do is help her on moving day, but the annex is off limits to everyone. Tell H to present it as a joint decision if that helps, but its a no to either side of the family - lie if you have to, say that friends of yours did it and it wrecked the family

@Groveparkmama no no no!!! do not ever allow this to happen!! your hubby cant stand your parents so I am quite sure he would never allow your mum or dad to move in so why should you allow his mum to move in?? frankly, I think your MIL had a cheek even asking if she could move in!! would he ever go in to help his mother wipe her backside if she was unable to do it?? change her pissy bed?? put her sodden bedding in the washer?? No, I dont think so!

Agree. if there was no annexe she would have found somewhere else to rent

Given your update it sounds like the best thing here would be to simply say- no family is living in the annexe. Then it's fair to everyone and noone feels like they are being favoured or left out.

Most people dont have an annexe anyway so before you even put the offer in on this house your MIL must have been aware that her moving was on the cards at some point and as a PP said, if you didnt have an annexe she'd have had to sort something out herself.

She must have had at least some thoughts about where she could go and I would recommend if your DH wants to help her, then he can help her find a suitable place to live bearing her future care needs in mind- eg sheltered housing or warden assisted flat etc If you are both working full time a warden flat or supported living place would be far better suited to her anyway as there would actually be someone there during the day if she needed it.