To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

How can you live with someone who doesn't like your parents? Unless they're armed and dangerous? Partners can be replaced, parents can't. As for your MIL moving in, I'm not sure. Has he any siblings or would care further down the line be totally down to you?

Let me tell you a little bit about LA care. I commented on page one and my stance is the same. If you have a relative in the house or next door the breakfast visit will be 11a.m. The carers have to prioritise sole clients. My father was a military man. Breakfast at 6am. Shower and ready for the day, guess who did it? Me and my 16 year old son although my father paid for it. Our care provision is shit in the UK and I have PTSD thinking about it (I developed an alcohol dependancy and at one point contemplated killing myself). I have a SEN DC so I'm not a selfish mare. I loved my dad and miss him every day but elderly care can consume your life. I woukd never do this to my children. Sadly I'm now disabled but I wfh when I need care it's a home for me. I'm a talker so I'm not worried about being lonely. Forward planning needs to be discussed. We have one life. Get her in a 55+ flat.

Btw, I say that as someone who has a good relationship with mil, but I still wouldn't want her living so close, nor my own parents, or anyone who was likely to be popping in daily or multiple times a day. I would find that so mentally exhausting and my home wouldn't feel relaxed any more. Different strokes for different folks, but for me it would be a nightmare.

Hi op,

no is a perfectly reasonable good answer. You will end up being the carer.

I feel so many elderly parents are in this situation. « Who will take care if me? » Maybe when you say no, offer your services to help her finding a good place. If she sold the main house, can she not buy something of her own?

I wouldn’t buy the house, it’s going to cause too many problems. By saying it will be a joint decision has already put you in the position of being the bad guy. The fact he behaves as he does with your parents is going to make you feel so much resentment. Even if he says no and she doesn’t move in initially, it doesn’t mean this issue won’t be pushed again. No annex no problems.

Nice one DH! 🙄

”It would have to be a joint decision between us”

In other words, if and when he eventually says no to her it is you who will be the bad guy.😡

'LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · Today 17:59
I think it would make no difference as to whether you became her lead carer, if she stays where she is or moves next door. Probably easier (for either of you) to be on hand if she is next door.

Needs a conversation as to her ongoing care either way, I don’t think proximity is the issue.'

The point is, that OP does not wish to become her carer!
OP does not want to make it easier to become her carer, she does not wish to become her carer. She does not wish to be on hand.

Proximity does make a difference. Living at a distance means you are at a distance. It becomes impractical for it to be OP's 'job'.
If the MIL is in her annexe, it is harder to resist becoming the carer.
With MIL in her annexe, there is nothing to stop the 'can you just...' on repeat.

If MIL is at a distance, any distance helps, OP cannot become lead carer. There will need to be a different option.

Stop with the 'either of you' - not just you, Life's too short. but everyone who knows full well that the man here is not going to be doing his mother's intimate care.

Let her move in but make it clear that if she needs assistance with daily living down the line, she will have to get carers in.

Definitely do not buy this house….it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

wouldn't MIL having to move out of rented property be better looking to go into sheltered accomodation?

win-win

Don’t do it - too many red flags, her health and the fact that you don’t get on brilliantly are the most obvious ones. I know it’s hard to say ‘no’ but it would be for the best for you and your husband.

I think it would make no difference as to whether you became her lead carer, if she stays where she is or moves next door. Probably easier (for either of you) to be on hand if she is next door.

Needs a conversation as to her ongoing care either way, I don’t think proximity is the issue.

There's also the point that a baby - unlike an ageing relative - can usually be expected to develop independence in time ...

I agree. People have their whole lives to plan for their care in old age. A baby isnt able to do that. Not to mention, the nappy stage is over fairly quickly for babies. An older person with dementia and incontinence can go on for potentially 20 years.

I ignore the they looked after you as a babies bollocks. No baby has a choice, a person who needs care does and it's selfish to insist on family do it.

My grandma was v heavy, and immobile, so I had to use a hoist (meant for two people to use, but there was only me) to get her up out of bed several times a day to get her cleaned up and her incontinence pads changed (urine and faeces). It’s not like changing a nappy, an adult human eating adult human quantities of actual food produces a lot of waste, and it is horrible. Using the hoist wrecked my back, and it will never get better
And thank you@AllTheChaos for being open about your actual experience.
It wasn't all that long ago when the standard refrain on here was 'they looked after you when you were a baby and now it's your turn to look after them'. As we can see from your post, caring for an elderly person is nothing whatsoever like looking after a baby.

Thank you@BabyFever1345 for telling it like it really is 👏🏻

Op, I’m not sure if anyone else has mentioned this as only read your posts and the first couple of pages of the thread, but how is MIL intending to pay her rent? If she is reliant on housing benefit, then that may be an issue if she is renting from her son. I don’t know what the rules are these days as I’ve not been involved in housing law for a long time, but it would be worth looking into as it may not be possible anyway if she can’t pay rent.

good luck!

@wonderingwandering99 I helped provide care for my grandma in her late 80s and into her 90s. Luckily it was before I became a parent, I couldn’t do it now. Let me tell you a bit about what it was like, to help you understand why people don’t want to do it, especially on top of childcare and full time work, even if it’s for someone they love.
My grandma was v heavy, and immobile, so I had to use a hoist (meant for two people to use, but there was only me) to get her up out of bed several times a day to get her cleaned up and her incontinence pads changed (urine and faeces). It’s not like changing a nappy, an adult human eating adult human quantities of actual food produces a lot of waste, and it is horrible. Using the hoist wrecked my back, and it will never get better. I was only doing weekends and evenings, as was working full time, and it was still exhausting. Other family members shared the rest of the week, as we had promised her, but none of us knew what we had agreed to till it was too late. She used her panic button every hour overnight as a minimum, usually about every half hour, and the responders have to call whoever’s number they have on file. It meant I would be called at least a dozen times between going to bed and getting up to get started on her care, because she was lonely, or scared, or her hot water bottle was cold. She only used the button when I was deeply asleep and could not hear her calling out. Imagine being telephoned every time you fall asleep, and having to go and settle an elderly person, then going back to bed and the same thing happens. And again. And again. She couldn’t feed herself, or do anything except lie there for the last few years. Luckily her dementia was pretty bad the last few years, and she was content, but there were several years where she knew SOMETHING was wrong, but not what it was. She would get confused and scared, and sob, which was heartbreaking, then angry and physically lash out. Even a bedridden person can hurt you when they hit you every time you go near them. Before she was bedridden it was sometimes scary. I was hit, slapped, punched, had chairs thrown at me. She would accuse people of trying to poison her, and throw her food across the room. In some respects it was easier when she was bedridden, as at least I could back away when she got physical.
She had to be cared for for 12 years. During that time we were all permanently exhausted, stressed, and wrung out. It affected my career, my relationships, my health, everything. I couldn’t even think about starting a family until it was over.

Now, tell me, do you still think it’s “sad” that people don’t want to sign up for this?

Buy a house without an annexe. She is a CF for even asking. Rent or no rent, it is an imposition and would become increasingly so as she gets older and more frail, and given your husband’s attitude to your parents why should you even consider it?

We’ve just had advice that the most ‘rent’ you can charge in this situation is £600 pcm before it needs to be taxed. The annexe also needs to have shared amenities and also there must be some element of shared living ie the annexe may only have its own bathroom, no kitchen - so that you are living together rather than it being a completely separate dwelling on your plot. That may potentially alter your plans. It may also affect your mortgage (if you need one) as lenders will ask what other adults will be living there as they could potentially lay claim to a share in the house.

I believe you’ll need a very very amicable relationship and want this for it to work.

They are paying for the house 50/50 so the OP would be mad to do that knowing he will most likely try and foist it on her.
OP should hang on to her money.

@wonderingwandering99 come back once you've done it.

I'm an immigrant in the UK and from one of those "cultures" that have "embraced" this. This is the reality:

1. People in my home.country live a lot less. You're not caring for someone with Alzheimer in their 90s, they'll be dead of a stroke by 70.
2. Those women have NO choice and are similarly unhappy about it. Don't make the mistake of thinking poor women are somehow kinder or happy to sacrifice themselves for everyone else.
3. There are other relatives around so it doesn't usually ALL fall to ONE woman
4. The one woman who does most of it isn't also working full time.
5. There is no choice to put your in laws in a care home. It's literally a choice between letting them starve to death in their own filth or bring them into your home. Obviously no one can bring themselves to do the former.
6. Those parents will have given an enormous amount of support to their children as young adults so there is a certain quid pro quo that doesn't exist in the UK.

The UK has a social care system, a benefit system and actual care homes. They may not be ideal but this MIL has plenty of choices.

Do not buy the house with the annexe. It will be the thin end of the wedge.

I admit I have no experience of caring for parents as mine are still young

Then how about you STFU and actually listen to those of us who have been there? If you actually read what people are saying then maybe you would understand why it’s so hard.

You need to be careful what you say here, life has a way of slapping you in the face after making self righteous statements like that. One day you will find out what it’s like and I suspect it won’t be such a mystery to you then.