To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

If you have carers coming in, they need access to your house.
How do you feel about a key box for if you are at work? I wouldn't like it.
How about the building modifications? I don't want my bathroom turned into a wet room slopes instead of steps. Hand rails.
If she was in her own place, I would insist on these things, but I don't want them in my house.

Isnt it obvious? say she has a toilet accident and cant clean it up- DH says "oh I cant do it, mum doesnt want me to as I'm her son and male" what happens then? care takes time to put in place, so then its either leave her in her own soiled clothes which is inhumane or OP ends up doing it. Then, once it starts, it continues and then its expected and then it becomes a demand. Social services wont help because she already has help (the OP) and they will get out of providing care wherever they can because thats what they do due to budgets.

Many older people flatly refuse to pay for their own care as they want family to do it so then its either a horrible guilt ridden choice to see them living in their own filth or family end up begrudgingly doing it themselves. What happens if once she's moved in she wont move out? because she's lonely and its so lovely being with family, - OP's H is not going to throw her out onto the street so they are stuck like that forever.

I agree with PP that you are being very naive if you cant see this as a very obvious slippery slope to an expectation of providing care by the OP. I know because I've seen it happen many times.

This is very naive.

But why would you need to care for her and how would you have tome to?

She can pay for a carer surely or your DH (sounds like a dream guy, not) can help her.

Let her move in. If it works out, fine, if not she could move to sheltered accomodation for the support she needs.

The trouble is, if that situation crops up, OP may well find herself helping out a couple of times if there's some kind of emergency (as most of us would if someone is in immediate need), and it'll then be harder to decline responsibility for ongoing care. I can imagine stuff like 'But she's only next door, it won't take you a minute to pop round and give her bum a wipe' and 'It's better that a woman does her personal care' being trotted out by the DH.

Don't buy it! If there's no space for her, then she can't move in.

Don't do it. My MIL moved in 3 months ago and it has been hell despite having an amazing hubby who has done the lions share of caring for her.
Luckily she is moving out soon as she was between buying homes and it can't happen soon enough.
Unless you are willing to become a part time carer and permanently hold your tongue to keep harmony, then I wouldn't recommend it.

Tell him him there is no need for her to pay for the annex. She can have your side of the bed as if she comes, you go.

'OhcantthInkofaname · Today 21:05
You know it would be much easier for your husband to take care of his mother if she lives on site. Whether you like it or not she is his family.'

Are being intentionally obtuse?
Being a carer isn't just getting a bit of shopping in and driving someone to their appointments.
Do you think he is going to shower his Mum? Help her into her knickers and bra? Deal with any intimate cleansing or incontinence?
You and others like you on this thread are goading for the sake of it. You know full well it will fall to the OP.
MIL is his family, but he cannot and should not be dealing with his mother's intimate care - and his wife does not wish to.
Even if carers come into the house - and they will need access if OP and her husband are working, it will never be enough.

She is being evicted from a rented property… now is the best time to get herself down to the council and get herself in the list for a little over 50’s downstairs studio flat or maisonette! Lots of them sit empty & are harder to fill!
I would put it to her that rather than saying no you see this as the perfect time for her to get into one of these places and be surrounded by people of her own age.

Her husband won't be doing the caring though will he ?

You know it would be much easier for your husband to take care of his mother if she lives on site. Whether you like it or not she is his family.

Are you the op that posted a few months ago about your husband not liking their parents because they enjoy spending money and having fun during their retirement?

Say no , and her son can help find a place.

Say what you want. When it actually comes to it, it will all get dumped on her.

Yes

@Groveparkmama you do know there are specialist rental properties for the over 55/60s? Housing associations. Google it. Some great places. Own apartment, as much interaction you want or don't with others. Alarm systems for emergencies. Check it out.
Do not buy that house.

Make it absolutely clear that you will not be caring for her and that if she needs extra help or daily assistance she will either have to hire a home help or ask her son. Be blunt with dh and tell him that in no shape or for. Will you be taking on any responsibility for his mother. You have to be clear to both at the start and stick to your guns. This is a dh problem to deal with you have enough on your plate.

I would get your DH to have very clear conversations about you leading your own lives

If you mean a conversation with the DM/MIL, then from experience I honestly wouldn't bother @NeedMoreHeadSpce

It goes with "I'd never expect my DCs to care for me!!" when the parent is younger, in that while folk will say a lot for appearance's sake it doesn't always translate into reality once the care needs start stacking up

Trouble is by that time it can be too late, and once in it's a hard situation to get out of when the tears start and the cared-for take to insisting they should be dead

If or when your MIL needs more care it is inevitable that social services will put a LOT of pressure on you to provide it. You will have to be prepared to stand firm and say "Absolutely not". Your husband therefore needs to be aware that the pressure will fall on him. Is he prepared to take that on?

This. Just don't even consider it.
Better still, don't buy that house.

NeedMoreHeadSpce ·
The thing is, no one knows how long.
It's insidious. Once MIL is there, she is there. OP may agree with her popping out of the annexe for a lovely sunday lunch once a week, but that can quickly turn into something else entirely. However pleasant MIL may be, she is aging.
Asking MIL to leave because she has become a burden (I know, that's awful) is a lot harder than not having her there in the first place.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Who's going to provide care to your parents, OP?

That’s a tricky one. How many years do you remotely think it might be for? I would get your DH to have very clear conversations about you leading your own lives and if she expects to be invited in every Sunday for a roast, for example, then you need to feel you can tolerate that. You don’t want it to be a chore/unwelcome commitment. Lay out your terms and conditions to DH, if he doesn’t agree, then it shouldn’t happen.