To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

We nearly did this when my mil died. My fil was fit but didn't function well on his own. A close friend talked us out of it telling us how her relationship with her aunt had been completely destroyed after she moved in to their annex.
Her aunt was also her godmother and they had been extremely close until she moved in. Whilst she was in the annex the aunt effectively controlled the house, criticising my friend's husband, children and preventing her from going out or on holiday. Of course it happened slowly- a sudden illness &. very pa comments. The aunt had been very generous and had bought them a new tv but then insisted on watching it because 'her one didn't have such a good picture '. In the end my friend had a breakdown & her gp told her to move the aunt out. The aunt lived in very good health until the age of 100!

Make it clear that if her health declines further you won’t be taking on care responsibility and she’s have to get carers. She pays rent and you have a formal tendency agreement.

Are you going to end up caring for her anyway in which case move her next door less work for you. But if you are able to put your foot down and stick to it that it's a strong NO on future caring duties don't but the house !

Mumsnet is never a good place for discussion of in-laws.

The ones saying OP should do it have no conception, because if they did, they would not wish it on their worst enemy.
Those that take on the role of deep care, rather than putting the vacuum round. have my deep respect, and I wish them well, but these posters are either very naiive or goading.

Have you ever cared for an elderly relative?

PardonMee · Today 03:52
The only way I would consider this is if

' a) she didn’t have a key to the house so had to knock on the door. She didn’t invade your family life or private time, except for agreed times/days'

Thing is, PardonMee, as she ages, she will need more help, and that cannot be corralled - it will be led by need. Agreements like that are for the well.

' b) he built a more compassionate and kind relationship with your parents. He may need therapy to work this through. '

That would be nice.

'c) your parents also can live in the annex of the opportunity arises'

If the opportunity arises supposes that MIL has moved because her care has become too much, or she has died, and now OP's parents need care. OP does not wish to become a carer.

' d) you do no care or cleaning for her. She is not your responsibility'

With such close proximity, that simply is not going to happen. No normal caring person will leave someone in distress until the carers get there. Would you let your own property, because the annexe is theirs, become unsavoury? Because I guarantee husband is not going to do it.
You are offering kind ideas, but in reality they only work while MIL can manage.

The only way I would consider this is if

a) she didn’t have a key to the house so had to knock on the door. She didn’t invade your family life or private time, except for agreed times/days

b) he built a more compassionate and kind relationship with your parents. He may need therapy to work this through.

c) your parents also can live in the annex of the opportunity arises

d) you do no care or cleaning for her. She is not your responsibility

I would not want my children to be responsible for any of my care when I get older.

Just to give mention, I would suggest checking the planning approval/building control on the annexe. If it has planning approval, an annexe will often come with a condition that it is ‘ancillary to the use of the main dwelling’ so that it is reliant on the main house. and cannot be used as a separate unit.

Pickle59
Have some sense!
Compassion is not destroying your own life and giving your children less than they should expect from their mother in order to become a carer for your mother in law.
Compassion is finding the correct care, not being a martyr.

what a selfish bunch, have some compassion !

I think OP left us some time ago.
I just want to say a massive thank you to carers, professional and family.

I absolutely would not want my adult children to care for me ever. Why would I want to ruin the lives of people I love. I have already told my adult children this.

Some of us find the idea of having our adult children being our intimate care givers abhorrent.

Well , I know how I'd feel Crankyracoon,
I would feel mortified that I had pushed my child into becoming my carer against her will and inclinations.
I'd feel horrified that she had to spread herself so thinly between me, her full time job her children and her relationship.
I would be mortified that becoming my carer meant that her home had to be adapted for me.
I would be bloody distraught at the thought of my daughter wiping my backside, and cleaning up after me, an adult - that's a job for the professional carer.
I would weep at the idea of her doing a full day's work after I had had her up twice during the night.
I would feel like an absolute swine because I had done these things to the daughter that I love.
Oh, and it wouldn't be my daughter doing it, because I have a son - it would be my daughter in law - hell would freeze over before I did that to her.

We will all get old (hopefully) and most of us will need care. It sounds like you and your husband are in a postion to help the woman who raised him. I wonder how you as a mother would feel if you were in this situation in the future.

But something smaller. This is recipe for resentment and marital and financial disaster

I'm sure she'd agree to anything to get her foot in the door.

As its self contained, Mayb let her move in but made it known u r not willing to do any carers duties and she’ll need to employ carers and u won’t ever change ur mind on it as yr parents will need to move it at some point.

Exactly! It’s like, hey @Dibbydoos, given care at home can cost hundreds of pounds a week, even a thousand, how exactly is MIL going to pay for this given she can’t afford her own home?! And once she’s there, the council won’t pay for sheltered housing unless op and her husband actually kick MIL out and make her homeless. Chances of hubby doing that sound about zero. As for why would she need care, she’s already elderly and ill. If she doesn’t die first, yeah she’ll need care, and no way hubby will be the one providing it!

Oh you sweet summer child.

Absolutely never in a million years would I consider this for any parent. It never works and the women (daughter/in law), nearly always the women, are left running around like headless chickens.

Do not do it OP!

I think this will turn the heat up with you and your DH, so yes agree with others, avoid avoid avoid, your home is your sanctuary.

OP, are you still around?