To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

I'd buy a different property. There are stamp duty implications got buying properties with annexes and multiple dwelling relief has recently been abolished. If MIL gets help with her rent benefits wise she may lose that if the tenancy is to a family member

@Snugglemonkey yes he would. But I do think he's unusual.

More importantly though, my point was always about the resentment.

Would he change her incontinence pads? Would he wipe her bum? Would he help her bathe/shower?

So, the fact he won't tolerate your parents means this is totally unfair.

But equally, being someone in the middle of the beginnings of elder care for my own mother right now I would give so much to be closer to her. If you're going to care for an aging parent there is so much to consider. The weight of the decisions is enormous.

I'm an only child, it's going to be me and I am not going to see my mother going to a home prematurely. At 89 she's probably also too old to do another move on her own into sheltered accommodation before then. She is also still independent in many ways, has hobbies, lives her garden, but she is becoming increasingly less mobile and likely subject to falls.

If I had an annexe I would absolutely move her in if I could to keep her happier for longer. Right now I'm already doing all the intermediate non-personal care ( house alarm problems, Internet problems, online shopping, ordering bits for her, arranging banking stuff....all of that). If she was closer my life would absolutely be easier at this stage. But then I also know she has the funds for care later on.

Categorically for my mum I would have her as close as I could.

Yeah thats notbwhat shes got an issue with

Just because you buy a house with an annex it doesn't mean you want your parents or his moving in. Just say no it's one word NO. My husband moved my MIL closer to us. Used to be a 4 hour drive to her home, now it's a 5 minute walk! She is 91 and does need assistance. I immediately got social worker involved and arranged carers twice a day. I didn't sign up to be a carer and to be honest don't want to be.

That 'promise' would not be worth the paper it was written on, I can tell you that.

I understand everyone's position on this, but I can't help wondering if you agreeing would help him learn to be a bit more tolerant of your parents, which might perhaps make your life a bit better in other ways? You would, of course, have to make it very clear that you will never, not ever, be this woman's carer. And I'm sorry, but I'd probably want that on paper!

Hell would freeze over before I would live with my MIL! Just tell DH that you're paying 50/50 so the answer is no.

i wouldn't even take the chance - you will end up miserable

Agree with this.

It sounds like you're basically recommending that the OP and DH fund private care for MIL? Ie the rent money she pays to be used for carers. If so, can you really not see why they might not jump at the opportunity to pick up the tab for this, instead of being able to have full use of the home they're buying?

Also, this is one of those situations where flip the sexes doesn't work, because elder care disproportionately falls on women. Especially when it's elder care of females. Whether any of the people in this setup understand and want it or not, moving an older, lower income and already unwell woman onto the premises is setting the women, not the man up to be carer in the future.

Need therapy...maybe just needs to decide to be bit nicer and make an effort.

You absolutely have to say no.

Seriously it will end your marriage if you don't.

DHs reply to his mum needs to be that the annexe is going to be needed for various different occasional guest and you can't have anyone permanent in there. (If I had an annexe I would rent it out as airbnb accommodation whenever I didn't need it but would use it at least 15 weeks a year for various guests)

She'll be welcome to come and stay for 4 or 5 days occasionlly but can't live there.

I think you also mustn't agree to her staying there as a stop-gap if her current landlord evicts her. If she has a family backup option like this she will plummet down the priority list for being rehoused by the council and you'll never get her out of there. If she's evicted she needs to present as homeless and she will be matched to appropriate accommodation

Say no as he wouldn’t let your parents move in so why should his mother get priority

Would definitely reconsider buying a house with an annexe! No way would I have my mil living in our garden, as by default I would be expected to become her carer and I will not ever be ok with doing that. You need to put your foot down.

Absolutely, look at legal situation with regards to care.
There are also a tonne of legalities that you woukd need to look into as in effect you'd be her landlord/landlady.

I do worry that the whole situation seems toxic with regards to the extended family. Does this not create problems with your childrens relationships with the grandparents? So sad.

Although I completely sympathise with your situation and don’t envy you having to make this decision, I’m shocked at the amount of people just flat out saying no or even leave your husband! I’d be interested to see the responses if you’d asked advice about your own mother wishing to move into an annexe and your husband objecting. No doubt all these keyboard warriors would still be advising you to leave him!
At the end of the day, she’s still a vulnerable, older woman who is living alone. Maybe you could look into home help? The money she would be paying in rent could be used towards someone coming in to assist her once or twice a day if she needed extra help down the line?

I have real fears for women these days facing a future caring for our ageing population. Of course it’s great people are living longer, but there isn’t the quality and availability of suitable social care to deal with the demand this will create. And the flak will inevitably be picked up by women, many of whom will be trying to hold down a job and raise children, since people are also having children later in life. I’m in my 40’s with a nine year old and worry about this endlessly with my own parents.
She might not realise it, but she isn’t only asking to live in your annexe, she is in effect asking you to care for her in the future. I hope this doesn’t sound callous, and I don’t mean it sound this way, but the more you fall into that role, the more likely how much you do will factor into any future assessment of her care needs. She will be seen as living with you, you and OH will be seen as her carers and she might not receive the support she needs and is entitled to. Far better for her to enter sheltered housing. Much clearer boundaries. You can still help without becoming her carer and the pathway to residential care will be clearer, if that’s what she needs.
Romantic notions of ‘oh it used to be that kids cared for their , I’d never consider putting my parent in a home’ just don’t work in this day and age. I’m not sure it ever did. Unpaid caring puts a burden on women. Also, cold as it might sound, and I adore my parents and will help them as much as I can, children don’t owe their parents care in later life. It wasn’t our choice to be born. I want to enjoy a close relationship with my parents that is not eroded by me becoming overstretched, resentful and out of my depth and their embarrassment at me having to undertake personal care. I know they would detest that.

So my answer would be no.

If my partner felt like that and avoided my parents I'd be giving the same treatment to his. I am petty though lol

I would prefer not to but I guess it's difficult if your husband decides to go for it. A friend of mine moged with her family into a newly build house with a studio added for her MIL. Didn't work out, they've had to ask MIL to leave. Lots of disputes and heartbreak for everybody. I wouldn't do it.

Research local sheltered accommodation so you have relevant information on a sensible alternative to her living in annexe , your marriage will suffer if you don’t want her living with you so have a meeting with her in a nice pub and the 3 of you come up with a plan x

My FIL refused to let MIL's father move into their home when he was in the last years of his life...30 years later, MIL refused to let FIL's mother move in (his mother lived to 94). FIL was a bit taken aback, but as MIL said to me 'what did he expect?' She really didn't like her MIL, either.

In your situation I wouldn't buy a house with an annexe, especially as it sounds like neither of you are particularly keen for her to move into it.

Absolutely not

You are obviously buying a home you love, so people saying don't buy it so she can't move in, is just daft, what next, buy one without a spare room, no garden so you can't build a granny flat etc...
Say it's a clear no, but tell her what can be done instead & help her to do it.

I was recently in a situation where my ex mother in law came to stop for what was supposed to be 3 days, it turned into 6 weeks.
She has early onset dementia, she has capacity but her short term memory is non existent. You wouldn't think she has capacity though, she had never had a freind, a hobby, never went to groups, nights out, coffee mornings etc, my ex FIL had a high income, he did everything, the cleaning, cooking, finances, she was a kept woman with no understanding of money, doesn't know how to clean or cook she didn't know how to do anything at all & it was impossible to teach her with no short term memory.
She had not been able to stay in her home because she was neglected & financially controlled by her children, so was staying with the final child, for us to discover by chance that this one was at it even worse. A long story short a SW that was already involved instructed she was not allowed to go back to her home or the child's house she was staying at.

It was round the clock care, the child she was staying with slept all day & then stayed up chatting rubbish all night, so for MIL it wasn't bedtime until 4am. I was getting bed an hour earlier every few days, it ended with me sat on the sofa in the dark every night, because it was like putting a child to bed, excuses to keep getting up, roaming about, keep coming in my bedroom, She was incontinent, but not through health reasons, it was because she wouldn't go the toilet unless you told her to, she simply did not want to have to get up to go, couldn't even make herself a cuppa.

I was not sure what I was going to do, because I couldn't maintain this & she had always said that she would never go into a home. So what I did from here, you could do similar. It may seem like a lot of work now, giving her the time & support, but a bit extra now will pay off in the long run, reducing the chance of you needing to provide long term care.
As you say she has had some health problems & has a no fault eviction, first it's important you contact your LA to notify them of risk of homelessness & also adult services because she has a health need & with homelessness she is vulnerable. The next thing is find out where your assisted living complexes are & take her to visit some.
My DD, knew someone that worked in a complex close to us & she said she would give us a tour, I was able to talk my MIL into visiting. My MIL loved the complex, having a restaurant, library, hairdresser, all on site, lots of social areas always someone to chat to, the flat was a brilliant size, she was told we could get carers to go in 3 times a day. One thing my MIL couldn't cope with was being alone, so this assisted living ticked the boxes she thought she wanted, her own flat, independent living, whilst having company & support always on hand.

For my Mil, talking about what she would want in a care package, she was actually asking for what a residential home provides. I found "senior home plus" a brilliant service, who contacted homes (with availability) on our behalf that met our criteria. I was able to talk her into visiting one around the corner from me. I always made sure to use the term residential home, never called it a care home, she never realised she was going to one of the type of places she had said she would never go to.
She was in a room there just three days later, within a week she was settled, she's been there 7mths now & absolutely loves it, she is settled & happy.
Because her situation is so complex, my life is on hold sorting her out, but I'd rather a few months now, than the other option which would have been her living with me & me being her sole carer providing round the clock care for what could be years.

If you did think you could explore these options I'm happy to answer any questions, it's an area I know quite a lot about.

Good luck in your new home when you get moved in x

Compassion is not destroying your own life and giving your children less than they should expect from their mother in order to become a carer for your mother in law
Compassion is finding the correct care, not being a martyr

Probably the most accurate post on the thread ...