To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

I would not care how popular it is, it is the only option.

I’m also thinking they’ve planned this between them. Unless there was another plan for the annex

I would suggest to your dh and mil that a better solution would be to look for sheltered/warden assisted accommodation for her nearby. That way there is always someone she can call on, if and when the need arises

An excellent idea, but one that's unlikely to be popular if it turns out the pair of them really have planned this together

Plans for Airbnb making cash may see dh change his thinking...

No way would i let her move in, you'll be signed up to be her helper then carer.

The op is not responsible in any way for her mil. Why would she end up assisting her?

If you are feeling resentful already that is a big red flag

Spot on- you are already feeling like this and you haven't even started living with her yet! Imagine how much worse this will get when you inevitably end up as her carer and you will, because it's always expected of the woman. The fact you have even had this thought means you have picked up on some subtle hints that it will be expected of you.

Look, this isnt about love. I love and adore my family and friends but I dont want to live with them 24/7. Its not because they are horrible people and its not because I dont love them, it's because my home is my only space to relax and I need and value my privacy. Privacy is also really important for your relationship with your husband. If it wasn't, then everyone would just live with their parents instead of getting their own house. It's literally the reason people want their own house in the first place so its not wrong or unkind to want and value your own space.

You need to take this really seriously now because if you go along with it and she moves in, it will be a million times harder to change the situation later on down the line. She isnt going to move out once she's comfortable there and then you'll have to deal with all the emotional turmoil of making an old lady leave and being the "bad guy". Take action now before it's too late. Say no.

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL.

Whilst I can empathise with OP's concern I'm aghast at some of the heartless responses to an ageing parent about to be homeless.
Whether I liked her/got on with her or not, I'd help if I was able to. And no I don't mean care, I mean a roof over your husband's mother's and kids' grandmother's head. JFC.

F

Read the current thread about a MIL who lives in the same house and has just ruined a family dinner celebration. The poster can't do anything without inviting her MIL and she knows exactly what they are doing all the time. Don't do it. If your husband insists suggest he buys a house with her instead....

I’d pull out the sale. This could be a nightmare and be the death of your marriage.

Agree with poster that suggests sheltered accommodation. She will be on your doorstep and her health is likely to decline inevitably meaning that caring responsibilities will fall to you. If you are feeling resentful already that is a big red flag.
You can dress up the sheltered housing option as coming with more support for her, organised activities, nice gardens, whatever she's into.

Big fat no from me. Literally can’t think of anything worse. As others have said this is the thin edge of the wedge, before you know it then you are her carer. Thats before we even get to the hypocrisy about your parents

It’s a shame if you can’t have a house with an annexe,if that’s what you want, just because your mil is eyeing it up. I would suggest to your dh and mil that a better solution would be to look for sheltered/warden assisted accommodation for her nearby. That way there is always someone she can call on, if and when the need arises. Point out that as you and your dh are both working full time, and have children, and a house to run, there won’t be any capacity for you to assist her, should the time come when she needs it. I feel it’s really important for both parties to maintain a degree of separation, harsh as that may sound.

The advantages which I’m assuming she imagines living in the annexe will bring - being closer to her family and the convivial company and assistance afforded by that - will all collapse in a heap if/when she becomes frail and dependent, needing lots of input. I still haven’t recovered from the four years I spent looking after my dm after she came to live in our spare room after being discharged from hospital after a fall. And that was my idea and I loved her very much. It completely changed our relationship for the worse and because it was all hard slog, and she was gradually losing her mobility and any independence, we both felt trapped and unhappy. She had a call button and I would have to get up in the night to assist her with the loo etc. The companionship, which I had anticipated myself, in the beginning, just didn’t happen, because I was desperate for my free time to be just that. We employed 2 lovely private carers to come in, every day in the end, to facilitate some respite for both me and her. You should ask your dh what arrangements he has in mind to make for his Mum when she starts to need extra help, possibly including personal care, and night time care, because you are not prepared to be the default provider.

YANBU. I can envisage this conversation coming up with DH re. my own MIL. I like her but I need privacy and time alone and with just DH. I would be constantly stressed living with another person constantly around or feeling that they should be included more. It's my home and that means it's the one place where I come first.

Ask dh how he envisages helping his dm with his work /dc /dw. My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for better mh and marriage. All their complaints went direct to dh.. If they turned up without arranging it first I kept to my plans. Even if that meant they didn't see the dc.

A friend has done this, moved her rather controlling MIL into the annex, and is now left rather trapped by all of this. Her husband loves having his mum around but she's left doing all the running around. The MIL is healthy enough but has no life independent of theirs...

It's frankly made me re-evaluate what might happen in the future with my In laws, and I really like them!

IME this can depend on what the "help" is perceived to be, and it doesn't have to be doing it in person when arrangements with care agencies, etc, can perfectly well be done over the phone and perhaps the odd meeting

Also agree that the sale of MIL's rental place/suggested purchase of the house with annexe coming together is very noticeable. If DH/MIL really have planned this together without consulting OP it's even more reason to refuse before they cook up anything else

I would try really hard not to buy the house with the annex. Even if you agree for her not to move in initially it's going to be an ongoing issue, causing resentment on all sides, when it's there.

We'd talked quite a bit over the years about potentially doing something similar with my DM. We get on well and she has a good relationship with DH and the DC. However, since covid she has spent a lot of time with us and it's made me realise that doing it full time, permanently would be a disaster for all of us!

No- the council will not provide paid carers for her if her family is doing it. This means it will all be on OP's shoulders- including toileting, washing, dressing, medication, meals etc. The council will palm off care onto anyone they can to save money - they are notorious for doing this.

I've known neighbours of elderly people be lumbered with the responsibility of giving them their daily medication and helping with personal care simply because they did the odd bit of shopping once in a while for them. The council just assumed they would do it because they helped out a few times previously.

When it comes to the council, you have to make it crystal clear you are offering no help whatsoever otherwise they will hand it all over to you. They are chronically underfunded and thats why they do it.

This👆

Don’t buy the house. You’re putting in half so you can say no to the purchase.

If your DH has been the main driver to buy the property with the annexe then I'd say he and his DM have cooked this idea up together.

It's rather coincidental that her rental property is being sold right at the same time that you're potentially buying a property with an annexe, don't you think?! <suspicious eyes>

No matter what boundaries you discuss with her/them, they will be eroded as time goes on. Before you know it, you'll be wiping her bum while your DH watches the telly.

Ask your DH what his answer would be if you wanted your DP's to move into the annexe? Given the info you've provided about the fact he doesn't like them, I think you can guarantee his answer would be a big fat NO and he won't be troubling himself with the reasons why it's a 'no'. So you do the same. No guilt. Just no.

Would it not be easier than helping her from afar. I know it sounds like the answer should be no but realistically you (the family) will likely end up assisting her anyway, would it not be easier and cheaper if she was close

We were in a similar position - BIL and SIL thought it was a wonderful idea as did DH although he would have had my parents there.
It turned out it was the excuse for DH's siblings to do feck all to help.