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Original poster

To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

363 replies

Groveparkmama · 19/06/2024 09:46

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 15:03

I'm assuming he wouldn't be happy if you suggested your parents move in there?

crumblingschools · 19/06/2024 15:01

What will MIL do instead?

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 19/06/2024 14:58

VillageLifeIsTricky · 19/06/2024 11:13

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL.

Whilst I can empathise with OP's concern I'm aghast at some of the heartless responses to an ageing parent about to be homeless.
Whether I liked her/got on with her or not, I'd help if I was able to. And no I don't mean care, I mean a roof over your husband's mother's and kids' grandmother's head. JFC.

And you don't think there's even the slightest chance that OP is going to find herself stuck with being her MIL's carer in the future? I think you're being very naive if not.

GingerPirate · 19/06/2024 14:58

Lola2024 · 19/06/2024 09:48

No no no!

Do not do it.

Do not buy the house.

Consider leaving your husband he sounds like a very unpleasant man.

This, although a bit extreme, but so would be my reaction.
Short story, I wouldn't have my own mother living with my husband and me.
She lives in another country in a family size apartment.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 19/06/2024 14:56

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/06/2024 09:48

No, you will end up being her carer because I guarantee he won't do it, it always falls to the woman

This. Your DH has got a nerve expecting you to even consider it imo.

RedToothBrush · 19/06/2024 14:52

Groveparkmama · 19/06/2024 12:53

Thanks all for your comments.

We did not specifically want to buy a house with an annexe. However, we have been looking for over a year and we really like the house and it ticks lots of boxes for us in terms of size, area etc. etc. Our intention for the annexe is ultimately to make it part of the main house (when time and funds allow) and, in the meantime, we were thinking of potentially renting it out. We are aware of what this would entail as we have both been landlords before.

My MIL called my husband a few days ago to ask about the annexe, so I do not think it is a scheme that has been cooked up behind my back. My husband has also been thinking about the implications of it all, including being fair between all PILs (including his own dad), our original intentions for the annexe, needing our own space etc. He has told his mum that we need to to take time to seriously think about her request and that the decision will be one that is made jointly between us.

To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do.

Be the one to say no then.

No - because of the care implications
No - because of the unfairness
No - because of the risk of default and not being able to claw back
No - because of issues with your parents.

The only reason you have to say yes, is because of a massive guilt trip. This is not a reason to do this.

It will only end badly.

This is just the easy option for her.

minthybobs · 19/06/2024 14:45

Nope nope nope. It’s not fair he won’t tolerate your parents at all and yet expects you to live with his. WTAF? I’d be livid if I was you- what kind of BS double standard is that?!

Agree with PP, you’ll end up being her carer if that’s the kind of attitude he has.

Wizardcalledoz · 19/06/2024 14:44

Wizardcalledoz · 19/06/2024 14:42

How old is MIL? Is it likely to be 5-10 years of her living there, or more like 20? Not that you can know of course, my granny is 95 and no signs of slowing down just yet!

That isnt to say you should consider it, but it should factor in to yours and dhs thoughts about it.
Personally it would be a big no from me!

Meetingofminds · 19/06/2024 14:42

Pull out of any house with an annexe and tell your dh he needs to make a care plan with his dm. Just no way op.

Wizardcalledoz · 19/06/2024 14:42

How old is MIL? Is it likely to be 5-10 years of her living there, or more like 20? Not that you can know of course, my granny is 95 and no signs of slowing down just yet!

spacehoppercommuter · 19/06/2024 14:33

Naunet · 19/06/2024 14:24

Well maybe they should rise their sons not to have such double standards. Why is it perfectly reasonable for him to not be able to stand her parents, but expects her to house his mother?

Show quote history

Quite. Apparently the OP is "heartless" not to want to live with her MIL and yet the husband wont even spend an evening with her parents and thats not heartless at all I presume?

Bloody hell. Misogyny at its finest I see.

Mix56 · 19/06/2024 14:31

He would refuse your parents living there. QED.

Naunet · 19/06/2024 14:24

VillageLifeIsTricky · 19/06/2024 11:13

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL.

Whilst I can empathise with OP's concern I'm aghast at some of the heartless responses to an ageing parent about to be homeless.
Whether I liked her/got on with her or not, I'd help if I was able to. And no I don't mean care, I mean a roof over your husband's mother's and kids' grandmother's head. JFC.

Well maybe they should rise their sons not to have such double standards. Why is it perfectly reasonable for him to not be able to stand her parents, but expects her to house his mother?

Pumpkins89 · 19/06/2024 13:57

Absolutely not. Annexe or no annexe, this would very likely turn out very badly for you. You might have to be very clear about this….I’d also make sure you get your husband onside so you are together on this.

Carrotsandgrapes · 19/06/2024 13:54

Don't do it. There's a high chance you will end up being her carer.

Unfortunately you just don't know how her health will be. I know people who were independent until the day they died at 100+! Fingers crossed, that'll be your MIL. But I also know others who were independent, had a fall or illness and then declined faster than I could ever have believed possible.

You may think you'll have boundaries in place, but when she's had an accident, needs help moving round, dressing, using the bathroom, eating or cooking etc, you'll find it very difficult to say no, because it's hard to say no to someone who's vulnerable and in immediate distress. And it will fall to you, not your husband. She won't want him to help her dress or bathe.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2024 13:52

What's the backstory with your husband and your parents?

Abitorangelooking · 19/06/2024 13:48

ByUmberCrow · 19/06/2024 13:37

Why? Not everyone thinks their children owe them something 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Personally I would hate for my children to feel forced into caring for me. mid forties I'm hoping by the time I'm elderly we've developed a bit of realistic compassion. I'd hate a slow declince Into dementia/ incontinence.

Planning on setting up a medical directive where I refuse medical care apart from pain relief if I lose capacity.

camelofdestiny · 19/06/2024 13:47

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL

What a load of old garbage. I have sons and would NEVER want them OR their wives looking after me, I cant think of anything worse and Ive seen how it can ruin marriages. I also wouldnt want to live with them. We all deserve our own space and I didnt have kids just to make them my carers later on in life. I want them to have their own lives and I want us to have a good relationship which wont happen if they end up being my carers. Resentment can destroy even the best relationships, I've seen it happen time and time again. I want to be their parent, not a caring burden.

sanogo · 19/06/2024 13:47

Absolutely not. You'll end up being her carer

Imagine if she lives in to her mid nineties

As long as the granny flat is there this will be a continuous subject

Could you buy another property instead?

ByUmberCrow · 19/06/2024 13:41

Another person saying to reconsider the house purchase, unless you were planning to use the annexe for something in particular (in which case it isn’t free for MIL to use anyway!)

I live in a similar situation with my OWN mother and I HATE it even though we were previously close. I feel trapped, judged, and she believes she has a right to know every detail of mine and my children’s lives.

It’s awful.

TheWernethWife · 19/06/2024 13:40

The day my MIL moves in to my house will be the day I leave. DP is very aware of this.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/06/2024 13:39

Can you not say that the annexe is already ‘spoken for’ as a home office, games room, gym, etc.?

ByUmberCrow · 19/06/2024 13:37

VillageLifeIsTricky · 19/06/2024 11:13

Fast forward 30 years, those posters who are mothers of sons may well find themselves in this situation through no fault of their own.
No doubt your responses would be VERY different if you were said MIL.

Whilst I can empathise with OP's concern I'm aghast at some of the heartless responses to an ageing parent about to be homeless.
Whether I liked her/got on with her or not, I'd help if I was able to. And no I don't mean care, I mean a roof over your husband's mother's and kids' grandmother's head. JFC.

Why? Not everyone thinks their children owe them something 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactlab · 19/06/2024 13:35

Don’t buy the house.

He hates your parents but wants to move in his mother?! No way!!

Goldbar · 19/06/2024 13:29

I would ask your husband to say no to your mother and be honest about the reason - that you all get on much better with a certain amount of distance between you. If your MIL is honest with herself, she will accept this.