Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

They will only disclose his past relevant history, they won't tell her what you told them. If she works out it was you who made the application she might be cross but she's only going to find out about the application if he has a history to disclose. You've still done the right thing.

Hopefully, she will listen to what the police have to say but I think you may have to be prepared to lose her if she wont. That doesnt mean what you did was wrong- it was the right thing to do. However, men like this are masters at manipulation and if he gaslights her into believing it was unfair and he was the victim she may choose his side.

Just be prepared is all. Sometimes we have to make hard choices, doesnt mean they were the wrong ones.

Your poll isn’t clear, so I would ignore the vote.

You have done the right thing. The police wouldn’t be interested in contacting her unless they have other information from prior incidents that cause concern.

I doubt they will tell her who has made the Clare’s Law application.

You have absolutely and completely done the right thing. Let the police deal with it from here.

You may lose your friend but you may have prevented something much more terrible happening.

I hope she sees sense and doesn’t “stand by her man” like some do 😱🙄

From what you've said, my concern is that she will stick with him no matter what the police tell her, and you will never know what they actually disclose.
I really hope she takes heed.

Allow them to contact her first. As another person commented, if she's wrapped up in this guy and knows that she may be contacted, she might avoid any calls or maybe even worse - try to confront her partner about it and if he is a significant risk, who knows how he might react toward her?

You have absolutely done the right thing (I'm assuming you did give them her mobile number when asked)?

I definitely would NOT speak to her before the police do. If she has moved a man who is essentially a complete stranger in to live with her and her child, she has obviously lost all judgement. She'll almost certainly tell him immediately, giving him the chance to get his side of the story in first, and she will want to, and probably will, believe him, and won't listen to what the police have to say with an open mind. Leave it to the police who will (hopefully) be trained in managing this exact scenario.

You have absolutely done the right thing BTW. You may be feeling uncertain right now, but compare that to how you would feel if you'd hesitated, changed your mind, and then harm had come to her or her child.

If there was no risk they wouldn't want to speak to her. She may never speak to you again. But that's worth it if it protects her and her child from a dangerous man.

You have done the right thing, but you should tell her. She may not react well, with the wedding being so close, but somewhere down the line she will thank you for worrying about her enough to do this.

Other than the speed of the relationship what are the behaviours that made you feel concerned? I think this is one of those times when you need to trust your instinct.

You could have saved 2 lives op. Have no regrets.

You have done the right thing. 💐

You've done the right thing. Just wait for her to come to you then explain why you did. If you speak with the police again ask them what they will say about who applied for the disclosure

Too late to edit.

Ignore my mention of child!

Your right! Crikey. Can I blame too early? 🤣

Think I conflated two separate threads. Sorry op.

You’re a good friend to have OP.

@HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb where did you get that the child is 8 years old? The OP hasn't mentioned the age of her son.

OP, as scary as it is for your friendship you need to let them talk to her. Be prepared to be honest with her when she tells you, and say you weren’t aware they would contact her, you were just worried for her and her son and looking out for them.

Good point!!!

They won't contact her purely based on your concerns about his current behaviour unless he has a history, which he clearly does.

Have you tried typing his name into Google?

If there was no risk of harm to her, the police would not want to speak to her.

Personally, I would not let her know until after the police have spoken to her - she may be so wrapped up in this guy that she avoids their calls if she knows they are coming.

But I would be honest with her when she does come to you after their call. As a good friend you were worried for her and her child. Better to do something now than when it's much harder from her to extricate herself with a divorce.

I work in social care and this comes up quite a lot about family members and friends asking about making a Claire's law request. This 7 minute briefing is helpful in understanding the process.

The trouble is that everything for everybody around someone like this becomes hard choices and difficulties.
As soon as you have a dangerous person who also wants the nice things in life like a caring partner etc but doesn't earn the privelage and actually it's highly likely to put that very person and their child at risk, then everyone, everyone is in the shit pit with them.
If you stood back and did nothing you'd have to watch an 8 year old child and his mum have their safety and peace of mind dismantled.
If you act, like you have, there's a chance the brakes might still go on.

I think you've done a brave and scary but right thing. You're a great friend.

What you're experiencing now is the emotions of worry about how she'll react etc .. but there is no way forward for anyone who cares about her and her son that doesn't involve worry - this is because the real cause of all this, has her snared.

Have you already talked to her at all? 'all a bit fast' etc?
Would be good to tell her what you've done so you can give her a way out... How she could postpone the wedding while she has time to think etc. How she shouldn't discuss it with him until she's had chance to take it in.

Tell her you are scared you'll lose her but would rather that happened through giving her what she needs to know than slowly if she is cut off by him, you're not trying to spoil her happiness you're scared for her .

Tell her you expect she'll be angry but remember it was done with love. Ask her to talk with someone else she knows loves her if she doesn't want to talk to you for w while, like her mum who someone she trusts.

Exactly. And with a child to think of what you've done may make all the difference to them both.

Agree with @GoneFishingToday and @Whothefuckdoesthat and how they have worded things- tell her.