Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

I would rather lose my friend than know I stood by and did nothing to keep her safe. Thinking of you.

Bless your former boss! That's a difficult conversation to have with a member of your team. Did you ever talk to him after everything was over?

We need more people to speak out. I wish I had. My mum suffered 30 plus years of an abusive relationship. He's now dying and in nursing care but she's still not free yet. She is now 76. It appalls me how much she has lost, such as precious time with her grandchildren, due to being at the beck and call of an abusive coercive controller. That has been half of her life to this point. What a terrible waste

OP you have done the right thing 100%. Very brave. You have done what you could and now it's up to her and the police to continue the conversation.

Hoping for a good outcome here.

https://www.kingston.gov.uk/downloads/file/552/clare-s-law-7mb#:~:text=Who%20has%20a%20right%20to,affairs%20with%20several%20other%20women.

Here it is.

Maybe they just needed her details as it was missing from the form?

You have done the right thing. There is nothing to say someone from his past became aware and made a call. Say nothing. At the very least unnecessary paperwork was conducted up to you potentially saving lives.

Sit with it remain calm, let the system work.

You did the right thing. Don’t let your embarrassment stop you now

When I was a teenager, I was working in a hairdressers and had started a new relationship. One day the salon owner pulled me to one side to express that he was worried about me and had noticed a change in me since I began my relationship. I was angry and mortified and ended up leaving my job. After 10 years, suffering emotional, physical, financial and sexual abuse. I went through a long and difficult separation that involved courts, restraining orders and several more years to put myself back together. I look back now and get really overwhelmed when I think of that conversation with my boss, in the salon staffroom - and even though I didn't take his advice, I will forever have a huge amount of love and gratitude for that man. Makes me tear up just thinking about it!

You did the right thing, and if your friend doesn't realise it now, or next month - she will one day.

You're the best kind of friend a person could have

What made you think they would contact you and tell you the information? It's pretty clear that they only contact the person who is in the relationship. You have one the right thing of course but I suspect that your friend wont act upon the information and wont even tell you about it.....

I am probably wrong but I'm sure I've read this thread before, even down to the same names. Either way hopefully I am wrong and it looks like you're getting the right advice 💛

So it’s not entirely clear to me but is it the case that the police would ONLY contact her if there is something to disclose?

you have 100% done the right thing but in all honesty I wouldn’t tell her. She needs someone who she perceives to be on ‘her side’. She may minimise or get defensive or not believe the police. Message her as normal and hope that she brings it up to you

Before Claire's Law legislation was put in place I knew of a couple where the husband would regularly beat his wife up and was in prison for it. His wife was on breakfast TV being interviewed after it.

Then I found out one of my best friend's was seeing this man, and had just had her first young baby. I didn't tell her, but I could tell, when I saw them, he'd moved in with her like straightaway (red flag) that he knew that I knew. I think she saw the breakfast TV interview with his ex wife or was told about it. My friend had been in relationships with violent men before.

I'd definitely do a Claire's Law application now.

In your case, I'd be honest with her. She'll either call off the wedding or get married regardless but at least you know you did the right thing.

Don’t admit to it. He will go crazy if he’s got something to hide. She will hate you for doing it and quite frankly you might yourself be in danger.

You do not have to tell your friend anything, the Police will not reveal who set the chain of events rolling. Frankly, you are the friend that all of us need in these circumstances.

Whilst it may be difficult not to say something, this is not about you and your feelings, this is about keeping your friend and her children safe, so say nowt and be there for your friend when needed.

I find it disturbing that women move men in after 8 weeks!! She has a young son?? And she hasn’t done any background checks on this guy herself?!?
disagree with others though, I probably wouldn’t tell her… just wait and see if she contacts you… then and only then would I explain my reasons

Don't panic. You've done the right thing. They'd only contact your friend if there was something to be concerned about. It sounds as if there IS something to be concerned about. And even if your friend hates you for now, she'll understand it was the right thing to do eventually. I'm not sure I'd say it was me unless asked though.

Just remember that the people telling you to admit it was you are not going to be at any risk of reprisals from him themselves.

I meant to add that during the initial call they won’t say that it is a Claire’s law request, they just get some details and say that if there is anything further they will be in contact. Then if she never hears from them again she will just wonder what it was about and move on.

You've done the right thing. If they ask just keep denying it was you if you're worried about reprisals from him. It could have been someone else you told for all they know or someone who's heard or seen something. The fact the police immediately contacted you for her number suggests you were definitely right to be concerned

I have done this quite recently too. A friend had opened up around Christmas time about her relationship being emotionally and financially abusive, and I happened to be with her while he was texting her and threatening to kill himself if she didn't answer the phone etc... so I googled him - and found out he had a conviction for domestic assault from a year or so before they met online. He is hot and cold with her, she has given him thousands of pounds and bought/paid for things for him, when she doesn't have much herself. Luckily he lives 45 mins away and doesn't drive so their lives are fairly separate.

She knew about his conviction but had never told our friend group, and believed his narrative that he 'just signed the statement without reading it'. He was fined and had to do community service.

They had been seeing each other for just over 2 years at this point, but finding out about the conviction worried me (as it would!), so I did a Clare's Law application. The whole process took around 2 1/2 months, and at the end of it the police called me to ask for my friends contact details as they needed to speak with her, and obviously couldn't disclose to me what it was about.

When I first made the application I didn't know for sure they would contact her or that she already knew about his conviction, I only found out part way through the process so I told the police at that point when they came to see me that she was aware, therefore I can only assume there is more to his record.

After I had given her contact details to the police I told her the next time I saw her to expect a call, turns out they had already been in contact with her. She was very upset with me, said I had gone behind her back and was 'sneaky'...which honestly broke my heart as I would want any of friends to have done the same if it was me. We are okay now but still not quite how we used to be.

At the end of it all she chose not to hear what the police have to say, there is the option for her to contact them if/when she wants to know, but for the moment she has completely bought into his narrative for everything it seems.

I haven't brought it up with her again since, but have told her I will support and be there for her no matter what. I just have to hope she will be okay in the meantime, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

My understanding is that they initially call the person in relationship with person being checked out, regardless of who did the application, to check that they are in fact in a relationship, to ask questions such as DOB addresses etc, then the police kick off the searches, which can take up to 28 days.

100% this.
You sound like a very good friend. Better to do this now if there’s a risk of escalation.

well you might just have saved her life. If she ends the friendship over this, it wasn't a friendship worth anything.

This

It's going to be difficult and she'll probably shoot the messenger, but with a child involved I'm not sure tyou had much choice - somebody had to care enough to enquire, and sorry but moving in an unknown so quickly with a child in the house already shows an appalling lack of judgement on her part

If your friendship is over but you have saved her from possible abuse or worse I think you've still done the right thing. If she can't see you did it with the best of intentions then unfortunately there's not much you can do about it