Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

You’ve done a good thing, OP

@Onthebrink87 😍

He is still my hairdresser to this day! Thankfully because of the general dynamics of the salon, we were all very much friends rather than colleagues. But of all the adults in my life back then, he was the only one to clock on and speak to me. I love him dearly for it although he is very dismissive of how meaningful the interaction was 😂 a very no nonsense type of guy and worth his weight in gold!

I think you're doing exactly the right thing in now telling her. As others have said, if you do tell her it gives her the opportunity to not answer the call. She'll also probably tell him and he may isolate her further from friends and family.

Clare's Law does work.

I made an application a few years ago on behalf of a friend whose new boyfriend had chatted her up with comments like "I only went to prison the first time because she bruised so easily" and "the second time I went to prison was only because she got the police to lie about me and anyway it was only a broken jaw"

My friend was completely enamoured to him and as she'd just come out of a long loveless and sexless marriage, she was so incredibly happy and grateful that someone wanted to sleep with her that she'd herself said she was prepared to overlook those comments and his (her words) "funny things that turn him on" like gripping her round the neck during sex and pushing her around.

She moved him in within a few weeks despite having 2 kids under 13 at home.

Within 36 hrs of me submitting the application they had paid her a visit and gone through his extensive list of previous violent convictions against women. Turns out that he'd got previous for threats to kill a partner.

She and the kids were given help to escape.

You've made the right decision to not tip her off about this, as if she is so in his thrall then she will tell him and he will go on the offensive and probably get angry and violent as a result.

She was really cross with me. It was only when it was spelled out in terms that we'd rather see her kids grow up with her alive and around than for them to have to identify her on a mortuary slab that she finally realised the risk she'd been under.

Can you let us know how it pans out OP so we all know how Claire's Law operates in real life please.

Good luck, you've done the right thing

Sadly I used Clare’s law with my son
as I am worried about his partner
the police didn’t come back to me but knocked directly on their door.
nightmare!
hope you have better luck

I did this. Didn’t trust my friend’s boyfriend, had reason to be suspicious etc. Did Clare’s Law and never heard anything again. Years later, she told us she’d had a big falling out with her boyfriend because years previously the police had contacted her and had her come to the station. At that point, she still didn’t know who and when she finally told him he was extremely hurt.

I thought she’d either find out something and leave him, or never be any the wiser. I didn’t think there’d be a disclosure and she’d shrug it off. She knows it was me now, and they’re separated, although for nothing to do with Clare’s Law. I still think I was right that something wrong was happening.

You did the right thing. That they want to speak to her seems to say there is something concerning. You are a good friend.

My mother did this “move in after 2 months” nonsense. Twice. First one was a child molester, second one was (just) a physically and mentally abusive bully. Two of the many reasons I haven’t had anything to do with her for 20 years.

@Northerngirl345 you did the right thing. I was that child and I wish someone had done this for me. Maybe my mother would have listened to someone in authority.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You've taken what steps you can to protect your friend and her children, now protect yourself.

As a prior victim of DV I disagree with those saying "be honest with her".

NO.

First of all people caught up in DV who are in love can feel like everyone is out to ruin their happiness or they just don't know the whole story etc. Abusive people GROOM their victims. IF the guy is abusive, and the friend knows whow made the inquiry, she many inadvertently tell the guy which then makes OP a target and puts her in harms way. Abusive people often try to distance their love interest / victim from friends. DO NOT TELL HER.

Call the police or domestic violence hotline and ask THEM before you do anything else.

Your friend might be relieved. When you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, often you can’t see the wood for the trees.

I really wish someone had done that for me. Everyone knew and everyone just watched me drown. If someone had reached out, I would have grabbed that lifeline.

Whatever happens, you have been an amazing friend. If you hadn’t done this and something had happened to her, that would be horrendous.

My fear is she won't want to "hear" it & won't believe the information she receives. No doubt, she will tell him before she tells you, OP. He will, ofcourse have an explanation about the crazy, vindictive, spiteful ex who lies... you know the story. Be prepared that your friend won't be ready for the truth.

Name changed as this could be outting.

A friend of mine did this awhile ago for their DD. They were concerned about new partner. They were proven correct and the police attended.
Unfortunately the D stuck by him and abandoned her children. God knows if there is anyway to rebuild their relationships if the D ever sees sense and returns.

But I'm sure if you asked my friend if she would do what she did again the answer would be yes. Because although the outcome wasn't what she hoped for at least her grandchildren are physically safe and well.

I wouldn’t necessarily tell my friend that it was me who contacted the police. Partly because she may tell the man in question. In a way it’s irrelevant who did contact the police. Plus YOU are also entitled to anonymity and protection. (Maybe I’d admit it later down the line if they are clearly no longer together.)

She deserves to know if he is possibly dangerous. And if he is, she can’t be annoyed at you thinking he is because he is.

You've done the right thing. It's scary but you have. If she doesn't thank you immediately she will one day!

I think you need to tell her so that she knows that the concern came from a trusted friend and its not a jealous ex trying to get revenge for a break-up, for example. What if she tells him that police contacted her and asked probing questions? He'll spin it. What if he doesn't have a DV record but is still an abuser? He could use that to gaslight her and take his anger out on her?

I’ve got a similar story, I haven’t done Claire’s Law before but social services were involved with my sister & her kids due to domestic violence. I was an alternative contact for school/social services so I had the details of the social worker. The kids were under a protection order & my sister had to stay away from the man she was seeing. I found out that she continued seeing him & having him around her kids. I made the decision to inform social services & it blew things apart. HOWEVER I was willing to be the villain if it kept my sister & her kids safe. She absolutely hated me for doing it & didn’t talk to me for over a year. However now we’re a few years down the line we’re completely back to normal & our relationship is great. She’s admitted that I was right to make the call & she knows it was out of love for her & the kids.

Shes now told us the full extent of the relationship, how controlling it was, the incidents of DV & what he did to her & what he did in front of the kids etc. and how’s she’s grateful that I made a choice she wasn’t able to. I’d do it again for her or for any of my friends etc even if it meant I lost the relationship. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened & I didn’t do anything. I know it’s not the same situation but you have to think about could have happened if you didn’t step in. You could have saved her life ❤️

Hopefully they’ll only contact her if they have info on him.

When you do a Claire's law no information gets shared with you, it goes directly to the woman you are concerned about. I don't think that they will mention your name so don't worry about that. You have done the right thing. Maybe this man shouldn't be around children and you bringing it to light could safeguard the family. Also worth mentioning it can set false sense of security, just because someone hasn't been reported doesn't mean they aren't/haven't been abusive.

You have done the right thing. I was in a similar situation to your friend, and I wished someone had done what you have done. I just hope she takes the information they give her seriously and doesn’t chose to ignore it.