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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not asked to be a bridesmaid but expected to plan the hen?

70 replies

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 19:46

SIL hasn’t asked me to be a bridesmaid. That’s fine. She was one of mine, but I accept she has more friends and so I didn’t make the cut, I am not upset by that.

HOWEVER. I have been asked (indirectly, by MIL but apparently at request of the bride to be) to plan the hen do.. I admit I love organising events and did her baby shower, which was really lovely but AIBU to say no to this?! I thought it was down to MoH to plan these things but apparently everyone thought I would do a much better job.. but I haven’t made it into the bridal party.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 18/06/2024 20:48

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:23

@Shinyandnew1 she said ‘you did such a great job of the baby shower, ‘bride’ wondered if you’d be happy to plan the hen do? You know we are all rubbish at that sort of thing!’

I haven’t replied yet, but will say nope, bridal party’s job this time!

No one wants to do it more like! Luckily I haven't had to do it, but couldn't think of anything worse.

MooonDreamer · 18/06/2024 20:46

Yeah that's a bit cheeky

RitaIncognita · 18/06/2024 20:46

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:36

I should add that SIL has form for this.. she got her mum to text everyone that had sent her a new baby gift to say thank you, rather than do it herself. I think if I did this I may actually be roped into planning the wedding 😂

She delegated her thank-yous? My pearls are well and truly clutched.

WallaceinAnderland · 18/06/2024 20:42

Great opportunity to say no and mean it. Don't say you don't want to step on toes as they can easily reject that reason. Just say you'd prefer to take a back seat this time and enjoy something someone else has planned for a change.

PossumintheHouse · 18/06/2024 20:42

Fucking hell. Just say you can't. Do you want to lumber yourself for months, and deal with all of this?

Fathomless · 18/06/2024 20:42

she likes you enough to do the donkey work but not enough to be in the inner sanctum of her bridal party. yeah, no.

needhelpwiththisplease · 18/06/2024 20:39

"Sorry I've not got the time but I'm looking forward to seeing what the bridal party arrangements are and being a guest."

Anjo2011 · 18/06/2024 20:38

‘ That’s a job for the bridesmaids’ . The end.

comedycentral · 18/06/2024 20:38

Say nooooo, we will support you! Mumsnet army is cheering you on.

Livelaughlurgy · 18/06/2024 20:37

I'd laugh and say "ah no, I've done my bit, I'm looking forward to being a guest, Flossie and Mary Joe will do a fab job"

Original poster
Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:36

I should add that SIL has form for this.. she got her mum to text everyone that had sent her a new baby gift to say thank you, rather than do it herself. I think if I did this I may actually be roped into planning the wedding 😂

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/06/2024 20:33

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:23

@Shinyandnew1 she said ‘you did such a great job of the baby shower, ‘bride’ wondered if you’d be happy to plan the hen do? You know we are all rubbish at that sort of thing!’

I haven’t replied yet, but will say nope, bridal party’s job this time!

Blimey-did the MIL ask you by text!? I’m presuming so as you said you hadn’t replied yet.

That is even more rude! Do they realise how much work goes into something like that? Why would you want to do all that for someone that not bothered you to include you, someone that couldn’t be arsed to even ask you in person and has got their mum to ask you instead…by text!

Please reply asap and make it clear the answer is no!

PossumintheHouse · 18/06/2024 20:31

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:23

@Shinyandnew1 she said ‘you did such a great job of the baby shower, ‘bride’ wondered if you’d be happy to plan the hen do? You know we are all rubbish at that sort of thing!’

I haven’t replied yet, but will say nope, bridal party’s job this time!

Hi, so glad it was OK. Sorry, I can't.

Noshowlomo · 18/06/2024 20:29

Yeah keep the response short and sweet. That’s so rude

Original poster
Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:23

@Shinyandnew1 she said ‘you did such a great job of the baby shower, ‘bride’ wondered if you’d be happy to plan the hen do? You know we are all rubbish at that sort of thing!’

I haven’t replied yet, but will say nope, bridal party’s job this time!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/06/2024 20:21

HOWEVER. I have been asked (indirectly, by MIL but apparently at request of the bride to be) to plan the hen do..

What did she actually say to you, and what did you reply, @Ginspirational ?

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/06/2024 20:19

She sounds super greedy. How many events does one person need?

CJ0374 · 18/06/2024 20:13

Even if I was the MOH I wouldnt want to organise a hen do! 😬
You don't even know though whether the MIL just said it have you involved and her daughter knows nothing about this request. I agree with others, IF your SIL mentions it, just say its her MOH/Bridesmaids role and you can't. Move the conversation onto something else.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/06/2024 20:12

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 19:55

I think the work behind it is why they want me to do it.. they are all the quiet type and none of them take ‘charge’ as it were. The only reason I did the baby shower was because due date was looming, nobody had said anything and I knew she wanted one. Bloody annoying though.. I might just say I’ll leave this one up to the bridal party to organise, as I don’t want to step on toes!

Be carefully about the toe treading comment, they might just say, ‘oh don’t worry-they don’t mind!’

Just firmly say ‘no, that’s a job for the bridal party.’ Hopefully they’ll realise what a shitty thing they’ve done.

If you’re going to be a people pleaser, why don’t you make that person yourself? Why would you do loads of hard work for someone that can’t even be arsed to include you? That’s the price they pay for not choosing you-they can do it all themselves.

DoreenonTill8 · 18/06/2024 20:12

Ginspirational · 18/06/2024 20:02

@Brefugee self confessed people pleaser unfortunately..

Please all of mn and say no!

Eddielizzard · 18/06/2024 20:10

Def say no. I find people appreciate and respect you a lot more if you're not quite so available. Since she hasn't actually asked you directly, you don't really need to do anything. MIL may bring it up, and your line of 'not wanting to step on bridal party's toes' is a really good one. She can't deny that you didn't make the cut and will be embarrassed (hopefully) enough to STFU

PossumintheHouse · 18/06/2024 20:09

No. That's it.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2024 20:09

Big fat NOPE from me. They are taking the absolute piss.

TattieBap · 18/06/2024 20:07

Fuck that. Cheeky cow.

Badassnameforadojo · 18/06/2024 20:07

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 18/06/2024 20:05

Is they've already got a baby together, she's hardly a 'hen' anyway...

Wow. So, is her marriage less than other people’s? Because they had a baby first. Should she not get to enjoy all the same celebrations as all the lovely virgin brides out there? (Thought I’d wager almost none of them are virgins).

Do you judge men like this? Or just women?

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