To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

It doesn’t matter whether she was a combination of the Archangel Gabriel and Ma Walton, the house is too small for your needs, has no drive and is on a busy road.

How recent its his mum died?. Just please dont make big decision. Ask him to think again and talk again about this next year. Now he is still too emotional. By the time next year he might open for discussion. If i were you i will sell both of house and get bigger one if you need more space or rent MIL house for xtra income. Just wait until next year. I’m sure he is better by then

After the dust has had a chance to settle and for your husband to hopefully be more rational, I would very calmly say to him that you would never expect/demand him to live in a home that holds so many traumatic, abusive memories for him, and you know he would never agree to live in such a home, either. It is completely unfair of him to think you would be happy to do this.

You're not being unreasonable, but give your husband time to come round to the idea of not living there. My husband was adamant that we'd move into the bungalow he inherited from his parents. It was a massive no from me - not from any ill feelings, but a) there was only one toilet and b) not much of a garden. With multiple boys, both aspects to me are important. Gently give him the pros and cons and let him come round in his own time - hopefully, he will.

You can't fix the parking issue.

It's just a non starter.

Once you start discussing renovations it's a slippery slope as to why spend the money if you are not going to move there.

The best thing is to stand firm. As the house is not maintained it becomes a less appealing place to move to.

One option might be to get an estate agent valuation of both houses and get in black and white an independent comparison to why the old family home is the lesser house and "encourage" the EA to "push" the opportunities of selling both to buy something better in terms of family needs and long term financial benefit.

He is totally unreasonable.
Do not back down and dont not blink.

If you have to...
The ONLY compromise i could think of would be a total decorate and remodel / extension possibly change walls and layout downstairs.
all their posessions and furniture would need to be removed.

Failing that given they are 500m apart let him move in there and you stay put.

DH wanted to keep MILs place after she died as a ‘holiday home’. I didn’t like her and I didn’t like her home. DH also wanted to keep it the same as it had been. It was very uncomfortable and badly looked after and it was just unpleasant.
Its his home town and not somewhere you normally would go on holiday, so really would only have been used for going to funerals. We sold, it’s 5 hours away so unmanageable.
DH saw online it was gutted and changed about for the rental market and got really upset about it.
Id just tell him it’s a hard no, you don’t want to live there, it would make you miserable.

Ask him to imagine you are buying a new family home. Would he consider his old home if it were on the market having belonged to strangers not his family? Is it better than where you are now?

Don't love somewhere you will be unhappy, but if you do I would brooch the subject of renovations and redecorating now otherwise you will end up living in a museum of his childhood, you need a new kitchen and bathroom and freshly painted walls to start with before you consider moving in!

I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me

Op, does your husband know how badly his mother treated you? Has he acknowledged this? Did he ever stand up for you?

A pros and cons list is a good idea

If he was taking a rational approach then yes, but in these circumstances I doubt it would make any difference

TBF he's grieving so parking the whole thing for now may be wise, but I'm not keen on the "pig headed" aspect and if it comes to it you'll just have to refuse to move there

You can say no. But if he is deep in grieving, well it’s complicated. Emotions when a parent dies are complicated. I think you should let him do whatever he needs to while it’s still all so raw, while still maintaining your own boundaries (he can choose whatever he needs to, you are deciding for yourself that you are not going to live there).

The fog will clear. Its far too soon though.

You are not being horrible.

But equally you can't allow yourself to be steamrolled here.

Do not use your memories about his mother as a reason though. Just focus on the house. Space/parking.

It may have been his childhood home but he needs to look to making decisions for his current family and making future memories and not dragging everyone back to his past.

Grief doesn't give you a right to be a dick.

A pros and cons list is a good idea.

It's really not. He wants this from a purely emotional place, reason and logic aren't going to sway him right now. He is caught up in the family home bollocks.

It is really soon, she only died in May, but once he's made his mind up about something he can be incredibly pig-headed and stubborn.

So can you, love. You can be every bit as pig-headed and stubborn as he is. Two can play that game.

Stand your ground and absolutely refuse. Your husband can't just dictate every fucking thing about your lives, and the home you decide to live in is right at the top of the list. Nevermind the fact of no driveway on a busy road. Tell him it's not happening, so he can just deal with it.

Can you not both try and take the emotion out of it?

It's the biggest asset you will own and currently the proposal is to swap one home that (downstairs toilet aside) has significant disadvantages re: parking that will make it less valuable and harder to sell.

In a head vs heart discussion for both of you this move would be ludicrous.

Are you not better to pool the equity in both houses and build new positive memories somewhere new that gives you the space you actually need?

I understand he's grieving but that's equally a good reason not to make important decisions the whole family might regret.

I wouldn't give up a driveway.

No, you need to find a home for your family.

I wouldn't emphasise what bad memories it has for you as he's grieving.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like the house is suitable for your family and it has uncomfortable associations for you. I would tread carefully as your DH is obviously feeling emotional at the moment which is understandable, he is grieving. Can you leave it a few weeks and then try and have another discussion. Ultimately, it comes down to whether he is determined to move in there, even if that means without you and the children. Hopefully he will see that he's being unfair to you.

@DesTeeny make it about the practicalities - not your or his emotions/memories. Write a pros and cons list for both. Ask him if he is willing to take the car and find a space whenever you can’t and so on.

She's gone. Clean her out - change it and make it yours

Well, he can live in her house and you can live in yours.