Leaving child behind on trip

I wouldn't take Alton Towers away. I would get him to reflect on how it must feel for the other child, then get him to write a letter of apology or make sure there is a verbal apology. Then consider ways of making it up to them. Include a teacher so they know the child receives the apology.

Why was he unkind to the other child in PE? What happened beforehand? Was he triggered?

You can't just assume he was feeling in control at that moment and made a calculated decision.

My DS has ADHD/autism and will hit/punch/throw at other children, but it's ALWAYS because they always trigger him because they know he's an easy target and they're clever/manipulative...and they wind him up to the point that he can't cope, in situations when the teacher isn't around, and then he explodes because he can't regulate and all the other kids 'dob him in'. It's a power thing that other nasty children do to him. My son needs to learn to control himself and regulate his behaviour. Are you sure your DS did it because he was in control and being mean? Or was it a lack of judgement and a reaction to another child being unkind?

I'd find out exactly what he's accused of doing and if he can supply his version of what happened and why, and address that. Excluding him from the trip seems kind of unrelated and arbitrary, especially as the trip was never a reward for him but for his sister. However, if grounding is an appropriate response to what he's done, then leaving him home makes sense.

My DD has been subjected to “unkind” behaviour. She was deliberately and repeatedly bullied for months before school would even pick up the phone to a parent. I don’t want to make you feel worse, OP, but my suspicion is that the one incident they’re reporting directly to you is the tip of the iceberg. As another poster said, hats off to you for actually parenting and dealing with it.

"bring unkind repeatedly" is parent speak for "picking on and bullying"

The school is clearly dealing with it by having contacted the OP- schools don't contact the parents of a 14 year old for a one off "being unkind" that might be a few harsh words, or a shove on the football pitch here and there.

If you don't take him, though @yorkie825 his absence will hang over you and his sister and affect her treat.

Take him and use the summer to work with school to deal with why he is "repeatedly unkind" to some other people.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from and I couldn’t agree more that issues need addressing (adhd or not).
however I do think consequences should be relevant and natural where possible.
the consequence of this situation is that school have called (has there been another consequence too? Detention, letter of apology etc?) and that you are really disappointed and upset by his behaviour, and the other child is upset.
I think in this instance I would just be talking it through with him and explaining how he has impacted people. He is impulsive and it will take probably years for him to be able to link consequences to his actions. I think the key is being consistent with it.
I would also explain that I had considered not taking him as a punishment but that I’ve reconsidered and that I will take him on the understanding that he is going to step up and consider his actions. (I know that kind of contradicts the relevant consequence thing, however if my child was continually misbehaving I wouldn’t feel like treating them to something big!)

It's too disconnected and too big a punishment to be effective. Take him on the treat, and separately have a talk with him about the incident.

Fair enough I see what you mean. It should be a special day for the OPs DD.

I have 4yr old twins myself so I don't really know about parenting teens yet, god help me haha. But the twins and I always have to go everywhere together on trips - so sometimes if one has been particularly naughty then the other one gets to 'choose' what we do / the order / how we do it. Theyre obsessed with CHOOSING, but usually both will still enjoy themselves in the end. Agree with your point though.

I couldnt quite put my finger on what this is about, but I now think it is almost as if you are saying "look at me, Im prepared to do something difficult and follow through...Im showing the world I'm a very good strong authoritative parent and it's definitely not my fault my son was unkind".

It's of no benefit to the injured party - the child he was unkind to, and it isn't going to stop his impulsive behaviour to deny him this trip

There are other forms of restorative justice surely? Writing an apology, volunteering, helpful chores - after all he has let YOU down too.

It's a bit glib to find something fun to take away from him in such a deliberate way

What children need and particularly teens is not rewards but a genuine sense of involvement...if the trip is just a bargaining chip it probably wasnt worth it anyway but if you can enjoy each others company there genuinely take pleasure in his enjoyment that's well worth having to boost his self esteem motivation. But not as a reward.

I really think it depends on how unkind he's been.

If it was calculated and deliberate bullying that's quite different to an offensive comment either said in the heat of the moment or because he misjudged a situation.

Before making a decision I'd want to investigate further and hear his side of it.

Not taking him to AT is a harsh punishment so it would only be appropriate if he really needs a reality check imo.

Also what would you do if the AT trips wasn't coming up?

This. I’d want to know far more about what actually happened, especially as you say this is atypical for him.

That's too big of a sanction. If that were my child I'd take £5 off their £10 spending money and donate to an anti bullying campaign. Thankfully the threat of this happening has been enough for them over the years.

This, I also dont think this 'I have decided this punishment and this will just make it all better and suddenly this child will turn into an angel' works I look back and think how my parents handled me and they communicated with me and we worked through things same as we do with our child

This

OP - we need to know what "unkind" means. It could be him saying something mean in retaliation to a classmate saying something to him about his disability (and the classmate is better at being secretive or makes a big deal) or it could be physically hurting someone or it could hiding a classmate's shoes during PE...

It's a treat for DD so she should be getting a say anyway, not using her to punish her brother!

Well put.

It’s very mean indeed.He has problems, you know that and cannot always help himself.
Address his behaviour at school in another way.Poor kid.

Could you take him but remove some privileges like choosing the rides, for example? No gifts or arcade games at the resort? Perhaps let your daughter make all the decisions on the itinerary, rides, the music in the car, the food you have etc? And explain that it is a punishment for his bad behaviour? Sorry that might be quite a silly or childish idea, I was trying to think of a middle ground.
Sounds like a hard time for you OP hope you end up having a nice day out whatever you decide.

And to be honest, a celebration which is really for your daughter, and only been on the cards for a couple of days is different to taking away something specifically for him that he's been looking forward to for weeks.

More context needed regarding the way in which he was unkind.
Being "unkind" could be linked to his difficulty with impulse control, but it could equally be unrelated. Whatever the reason it needs dealing with, but I'd say that how that is done depends a lot on his thought process behind the behaviour.

I think there really has to be a warning before a big punishment like that. Tell him if you hear anything about him being unkind between now and then then he won't be going.

The trip should be about your DD surely? Maybe she'd be happier to have a nice day out with a friend there instead of her brother.

need to know more about " unkind" and the history. It must have been bad to get a call.

He has impulse control issues, the 'unkind' behaviour is atypical for him, and it sounds like the school are dealing with it.

I think it would be shitty to leave him behind; how hard he must be working every day to focus in school and behave well. And he gets it wrong once and his big end of term treat is over?

Nah.