Leaving child behind on trip

What does your DD want? Would she miss having her brother there or not?

She means bullying

Also, bear in mind that kids with ADHD hear vastly more criticism and vastly less praise than NT kids. Choose battles carefully. Be curious rather than moving to punish first.

Exactly. My DD with ADHD really struggles with personal space. It's something to work on, not punish for. There's no malice in it. So 'unkind' isn't what it is really.

it is about DS not respecting others personal space and he had spoken to hm before about this.
That could still be a massive spectrum of things though? What was it that happened?

I think working on him about personal space and boundaries would be better than banning him from the trip then, definitely

Hello is your son remorseful for what he did? If so I would make him write a letter to the person he was unkind to explaining that he is very sorry/remorseful that he's upset the person/sometimes does things without thinking about the impact it can have on other people etc. Drop the letter off at the person's house or school or even better your son could demonstrate that he wants to make amends by giving it to the person himself.

Personally I feel it's too big of a consequence.

Losing screen time/being grounded otherwise, etc, fine, but I think not taking him because of one incidence of unkindness is unfair. I know you say it's happened before, but it feels like it hasn't happened for a while from how you've said it.

Sit him down and tell him you were contemplating not taking him as punishment. Make him think you're doing a favour and being kind by still taking him, then remove his phone or gaming device for a period of time instead.

I once got a phone call from the school saying my son had said something unkind to a girl in his class. This was after 2 terms of vicious verbal and physical bullying towards him which was not dealt with once and he was even criticised for not making friends.
Can you find out from him why he was "unkind"?
@ButWhatAboutTheBees
Yes what does "unkind" mean.

Of course his behaviour doesn't sound bad. It's his mother telling us.

The behaviour is repeated and not the first time she's been contacted.

There are two other versions of this situation. The school- and they did not use the word "unkind". That the OP has been contacted, and not for the first time, indicates it's a lot more than unkind. It could be verbal abuse, it could be physical. (Particularly as it seems to be happening in PE) The other version is the child/children who are being subjected to such behaviour that another child's parents are being informed. That is never done lightly, and usually after many many low-level incidents that the school has tried to resolve. Often it's as a result of the other parent making a complaint.
If, (and the OP herself says her son is currently being assessed to see if he has ADHD) he is found to be ND, then protocols will be put in place to remove him from contexts when he might not be able to help himself from being "unkind"

For now, she needs to work with the school to find out what is happening and how to stop it.

Not letting him go to Alton Towers will resolve nothing.

I agree. His behaviour doesn’t sound that bad and to deny him a big planned treat because of one report of being “unkind” is mean and disproportionate. It will do nothing to improve his behaviour.
I’d want to know what the school meant by unkind, and why they called you. In my experience some teachers overreact to mildly mean behaviour by certain pupils.

But we don't even know what the son did besides being "unkind". The school presumably did give more details

And repeatedly doesn't stop it being because sly NT children are picking on him and deliberately winding him up to make him react and then telling on him.

a really good idea. In adult life, if you upset someone (outside of criminal behaviour), you’d expect to have to make amends to that person. Apologising is much more relevant and appropriate and could help repair things at school.

Punishment for a child with adhd won’t stop impulsive (“unkind”) behaviour. For my Ds (adhd dx) the only way he can reliably behave in a socially acceptable way, especially in a high pressure environment like school, is through medication.
this punishment will only make him feel even crapper about himself than he likely already does. You can impose an alternative less draconian consequence if you choose but presumably school have already given some. You can support that and maybe impose an extra chore if that is likely to succeed with him but I’d suggest you’d be much better to talk about strategies to manage himself and avoid triggering situations and people in future. You might find on investigation that there’s a lot can be done.
if you’re not careful adhd boys get labelled as bad lads and give up trying.

I really disagree with this. By all means talk and address any underlying issue but this approach is essentially saying children don't need consequences for their behaviour because when they're an adult mummy won't be there to sanction them. But the punishment is to teach them that bad behaviour = consequences so that once they reach adulthood they can make good choices for themselves.

The OP has stated that this is not the first time she's been contacted about her son's "unkind" behaviour, and that this latest contact from school said it was "repeated".

I doubt her son is the victim here.

But it is his consequence for his behaviour is it not?
It's meant to make you think about your behavior?

As someone who was horrendously picked on, particularly during PE where there was less supervision (especially in changing rooms), I applaud you for taking a strong stance on bullying.

I think it's fairly reasonable to work out that the ND child is the easier target for "blame" when they react to being bullied by other children who are much sneakier and can work under the radar compared the ND child who reacts loudly and obviously...

Which is why you need to establish what happened by speaking to him, depending exactly on what the "unkind" behaviour was.

Otherwise you risk punishing him for being victimised as well

Absolutely. Repeatedly being unkind to someone is called bullying. And bullying shouldn't be tolerated.

Far too much excusing behaviour for ADHD "My kid hits others but its never his fault." "You want him to be kind, punishing him would be unkind. So you'd be setting a bad example".

People don't like spending time with bullies, so you don't get invited to fun things with other people when you're a bully.

A high school has bothered to call the parent of a 14 year old for behaviour towards another student. This is clearly no minor, short term issue. Teenagers treat eachother horribly and teachers turn a blind eye almost always.

I think it’s fine, it’s reasonable that there are consequences to actions. You are making it clear that any bullying kind of behaviour will be taken seriously.

If a good talking to worked then we wouldn’t have any bullying schools would we? Of course children know they are hurting feelings when they do it, thats why they do it, to dominate another child, their motivations are no different to adult motives for bullying.

Having ADHD and poor impulse control is not the same thing as having no impulse control.

This is spot on, for me, and well expressed.

I don't think leaving him behind will address the unkind behaviour. You will just be modelling to him yourself being unkind. What's more it will just make him upset and think about the consequence to him rather than making him think about the consequence to the DC he has been unkind to. I agree, it absolutely needs dealing with, but leaving him behind is counter productive.

I found the key to consequences for ADHD children is timing. If the trip is tomorrow or this weekend then yes, I'd leave him behind. If it's weeks later, he will struggle to put his actions at school and not going to Alton Towers together.