AIBU to not pass on a message from my ex-stepdad?

If you saw your step dad / your sisters dad as a father figure and you also have a relationship with your own father, can you not rely on these two men for Support?

From your description your mother is manipulative and abusive with all relationships and that will not change because you give her a grandchild. You need to break that cycle.

Your sister and her father have a right to form a relationship and he is reaching out to her hoping for contact. Unless there are more sinister reasons that he lost
contact in the first place it’s only fair to allow them to form the relationship you did with your dad. That doesn’t have to mean being the messenger for him but you can advise he uses official channels to gain some access to time with your sister in a way that perhaps he will also be there for you and your baby too. It’s what father figures do.

You do not need the anxiety and toxicity of
your mother. You’re convincing yourself you have no alternative but you do. Sometimes even going it alone is better than living under fear of what your mother might do next if you displease her.

your priority is now your baby not your mother and you’ll soon realise how odd
your situation was growing up - hopefully
it will motivate you to give you a difference experience growing up. Allow your sister the opportunity to have a different experience too. Expand her world

Yes its beyond unreasonable, immoral and down right horrible to keep this message from her. You are enabling your mother for your own selfish needs. I've no idea why you want such an repugnant influence in your child's life.

You have also been groomed by your mum.

You are prioritising your mum over your sister, even though you know your mum to be dishonest and not to have your best interests at heart.

I think you should be honest and honourable - which means telling your sister. If this would jeopardise the relationship with your mum, that says everything about your mum.

This isn't your responsibility
And if he knows how things are with DM then he should never of asked you
He needs to take actions of his o2n and get in touch with Miam and then if she refuses Mediation then he can apply to court.
It will be then up to caffcass to speak with your sister and evaluate the situation from her point of view.
If I was you I would stay out of it.

I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation but I would caution against your DM having anything to do with your baby. She has already irreparably harmed 3 children and 3 fathers - she will do the same with her GC.

I'm so sorry you don't have anyone in your life to give you any support to the point you've had to go to a neglectful and abusive mother who fucked you up.

I can't imagine how hard and lonely that must be. Not to mention frightening to have to rely on someone who's shown you they are not someone to rely on and to have them able to access your infant and try to protect the baby while needing your mother.

I won't pretend to have any solution to suggest because for you to find yourself in this position means you literally have nobody else and it would be arrogant of me to come along with have you thought of this, this, this, this or this like you're an idiot who would choose this if it wasn't your only option!

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position and to say, for the little it's worth, that I wish you well and hope that things go well for you.

I would do this.

On a separate note, I would think very carefully about including your mother in your child's life. I can't think of any reason good enough to include someone this manipulative and abusive. I fully appreciate you want a support system, but utilise your friends, join baby groups etc and make your own support system (something I have done myself). I made the mistake of 'letting my mother in' under different circumstances and it has made cutting her back off very difficult.

@minnieot I'm sorry I don't really know what I think you should do.
However your mum is not a good person, keeping 3 children from their fathers.
Not sure what sort of grandmother she's going to be.

@minnieot can you not get him to post something to your sister at your house then you hand it to your sister unopened? Not for you or anyone to intercept stuff so you wouldn’t know who sent it.

I did t realise you were only 21. It’s a lot of pressure on you. I can understand not wanting to rock the boat in your situation.

But do stay firm in your boundaries. It sounds like your mum will try and take over your baby too.

Is your sister’s dad on her birth certificate? If so don’t pass on the message directly but the next time she is in hospital let him know immediately, I doubt they would stop him visiting.

Are you sure your mother's version isn't the correct one? After all, he left her with a sick and disabled child and doesn't appear to have made much effort to keep in touch.

I understand this.

But do you realise what she is doing is abuse?

If you really can’t, then tell the father he needs to go through official channels as there’s no way your sister will remain in touch if you do this. And your mum will cut you off.

But please don’t rely on her with regards to your own baby. You do realise she could do the same to you and the baby’s convince them that she is god and you are just shit.

She already had yourself esteem on the floor. Do you really believe you will be strong enough to stand up to her if she starts trying to alienate your child from you?

Posters on here are already tapping into something you have expressed you’re not ready for. I would try your best to ignore those who are suggesting anything you are not comfortable with.

He is a grown man who has made his own choices and can use his brain to find a way in. Message him he needs to be able to build bridges with mum to be able to see your sister or go to court. I imagine you’re his easy option!

You're making the wrong choice here. You're choosing a woman who was awful to her children and their fathers over a man who is desperate to see his child it appears. If you don't do all your mum wants you'll be cast out too.

I understand that. But if she finds out youve kept her dad from her. Are you prepared to lose your sister?

You could just give him your sisters contact details and then he can contact her .... say he found them on social media?

One of the main reasons you are in a bad place is due to your mothers actions.

and she is doing it again to your sister. You can see the damage done to your brother.

Struggling with a new born while trying to rely on someone who ‘grooms’ children into hating someone else, then trying to enforce boundaries on that person will not be good for you and your mental health or your baby.

and keeping this information from your sister is cruel to your sister. Your mum created this situation.

I think pp are being a bit harsh. Your mother sounds like she is dealing with a lot constantly in hospital with your sister. Supporting you with your pregnancy and mental health. She doesn’t sound like a terrible mother. Maybe one that didn’t always make the best decisions.
However, your Step-Dad is a grown man. If he wanted to have contact with his daughter there are plenty of ways over the years he could have done this. Putting it now on you when you are at a vulnerable time doesn’t make me think poor man. It’s lazy. And you are not selfish to say this is a difficult time for me. If he truly wants to see his daughter you are not his only option.

Pass it on. Your sister has a right to know dont be so selfish

You do realise that your mother will treat you and her grandchildren as badly as she treats everyone else, Op? Goodness knows why you want your children to have to experience that.

I think you've got a lot going on here.

You certainly don't need your mum, whatever you may think right now. She sounds manipulative.

I do think that it isn't fair to effectively ask you to sort this out though. He could write to your sister, go through court. Lots if options. You shouldn't be making the initial contact.

I think you should speak to the ex stepdad, explain your situation and why that means you don't feel able to help him at present, but might be able to help in the future. In the meantime, if he wants to pursue alternative ways of contacting your sister, that's fine.